Occulomency

Oooh - Ah! That got him!

Occulomency predicts that next year is going to be even more interesting than this year. The FIA (aka Spanky Mosley's Spanky Squand) have announced that the maximum number of entrants is going to be 13. So we have 10 teams currently (but face facts, Toyota are going to bail out, so it's 9 really), but what has surprised me is the number of teams that have submitted applications that we know of.

• Campos Meta1 - Adrián Campos lodged an entry for his Campos Racing team in conjunction with Meta Image.
• Prodrive F1 - the Aston Martin chairman and Prodrive founder David Richards announced his application to enter Formula One with financial backing from Dar Capital. This follows a previous attempt to join F1 in 2008. It is not clear when the team will race under the Aston Martin name; it will race as Prodrive F1 in 2010 before changing to Aston Martin in either 2011 0r 2012. This is believed to be due to a clause in the contract when Richards bought the firm from Ford prohibiting him from using the name publicly for a certain amount of time.
• Team USF1 - A group led by designer Ken Anderson and former Williams employee Peter Windsor. There is some confusion over the name of the existing group, although the intended team name is Team USF1, if its application to Formula One is successful. The project was originally launched under the name "USF1", and the group's website domain name is USGPE (for US Grand Prix Engineering), in order to avoid conflict with Bernie Ecclestone, who controls the use of the term "F1".
• Lola Cars - The British racing car constructor Lola Cars, which has been involved in Formula One several times in its history, has confirmed that it has submitted an entry for the 2010 championship.
• Litespeed GP - The F3 team has teamed up with Mike Gascoyne who recently parted with Force India.
• March Racing Organisation
• Team Superfund - a new team established by former driver Alexander Wurz and funded by Christian Baha, the owner of Superfund Group.
• Epsilon Euskadi
• N.Technology
• Brabham: "Motorsport aktuell" reported that Franz Himler (Formtech) has entered a team called Brabham.

That's 10 teams applying for sure. Plus there are rumours in the F1 press about five further entrants that have not been announced as yet.

Driver rumours, well it's a bit early in the season but I'll put a bit of cash on Kimi retiring and Alonso filling his seat at Ferrari.

New rules for 2010 should make racing a bit more interesting too.

• Refuelling is to be banned for the first time since 1993. As a consequence, the cars will be allowed to refuel after the third part of qualifying. So back to superfast last gasp Qualy laps.
• Tyre warmers are to be banned. Starts are going to be fun, heavy cars and cold tyres. Nice.
• Formula One Management is offering financial support to all new teams from next season, in the form of $10m along with the free transportation of two chassis and 10,000kg of freight to each race.
• The minimum car weight will be increased from 605 kg to 620 kg, to stop taller and heavier drivers such as BMW Sauber's Robert Kubica being at a disadvantage if KERS is added to their car.

It is rumoured that the whilst theFIA want to make KERS compulsary, FOTA want to ban it on the grounds of cost.

Then there is the budget cap of course. Basically a maximum spend on technology (but not salaries or marketing) of £40m is at this stage optional for 2010, with teams that are choosing to take up the budget cap being allowed greater technical freedom, together with unlimited testing. Teams choosing not to take up the budget cap may spend freely, but will have technical and testing constraints.This rule will change due to protests by the FOTA and Red Bull, Ferrari, Toyota and Renault threatening to leave the sport, but Spanky Mosley always wins, and there will be a budget cap.

In sponsorship terms, next year is going to be a bit different. ING & RBS are pulling out of the sport, and Santander is rumoured to be moving to Ferrari.

Then of course there is Brawn. Virgin has long been rumoured to be purchasing the Brawn team for the 2010 season and may race under the name Virgin Racing or Virgin Grand Prix.

Irridium Cubed's Crypto-zoology Risk Management Services

How can Irridium Cubed help you manage a full-scale zombie incident in your company?

Here at I3, we have the ethos that in order to succeed, you have to know your enemy.

In our many years of experience, we have found the most common ‘denial of life’ attacks on companies are carried out by just two species of zombie.

Older zombie attacks tend to come from slow, shambling zombies. Generally these can be defeated by the judicious use of low-tech solutions such as a cricket bat and a pair of decent trainers (though not Adidas, they are for pikeys). Frankly, if you need I3’s help to survive a slow zombie attack, you were selected by nature for extinction, and as we are firm supporters of Darwin, we will leave to die.

Irridium Cubed is on hand to help you survive the zombie outbreak from it’s first few confusing minutes, to getting you out of town whilst the rest of the citizens get on with eating each other’s flesh.

Preparation

George W Bush said in his talk to the country thing, "When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth." So the zombie apocalypse is bound to happen sooner or later. However, here at I3 we recognise that you company would look a bit strange if you started bricking up your windows and stockpiling rifles, so we offer a full zombie apocalypse mitigation, remediation and recovery service.

A few pointers on initial survival.

At I3, we believe that situational awareness is key to survival. Note areas around you where large numbers of people tend to congregate, as come the dawn of the zombie nation, that’s where most of them will go (pubs, football grounds and shopping centres are particular hot-spots).

I3 also provides innovative social networking architectures, whereby you can subtly mention to colleagues, friends and family how well you cellar or house can be defended, so they can come and seek protection with you when the dead rise.

So, you’ve woken up, and the dead have risen.

First of all, call the I3 zombie hotline (), at that moment out crack team of Avenging Angel Attack Squad Alpha Mega Kill Force will race to your aid, dispensing rapid justice to those nasty zombies who are trying to get your tasty brains.

I3 has years of experience in the zombie eradication fields, we know that the only way to permanently stop a zombie is to destroy its brain. This isn't rocket science (although rocket propelled grenades work well), we use the traditional Mossberg pump-action shotgun, with a close range head-shots as our preferred way of un-zombieing a corpse.

We are however flexible, we have a martial arts expert who can decapitate a zombie with his inner thigh, a pikey who is useful with a blade and bloke with professional bow hunting gear, so all methods of zombie skull penetration  are covered.

Irridium Cubed recommends the Buddy System

We here at I3 aren’t overly sentimental, if one of our squad of Avenging Angel Attack Squad Alpha Mega Kill Force is bitten by a zombie, we’ll shoot him in the head and get it over with.

I3 would take your select group of survivors and head for the nearest Waitrose. Since the average Waitrose has enough food to keep a few thousand middle-class people fed for a week or more, I3 believes that  we should be able to provide you with enough staples to get by for a few months if you limit your group to around 100 or so.

There's a trade-off here between having enough people to defend your supermarket, and enough food to keep them fed. I3 doesn’t know if zombies are edible, but that's a possibility if things get rough. It's not really cannibalism, is it?

The only contractual requirement from I3’s Avenging Angel Attack Squad Alpha Mega Kill Force is that make sure you have some girls with you. Preferably hot chicks, but in the absence of those some tough biker babes would do.

Irridium Cubed – we want to eat your brains…

Wheezy

This last couple of weeks, I have had the worst asthma of my life. It's been atrocious, really. Unable to sleep, eat or do most of the many things that generally keep me happy. Yes I have been taking my medication, and yes I have been trying to look after myself, but at some point one has to try to find the root cause for this condition.

Now, having watched the Jeremy Kyle show and The Wright Stuff on a couple of our independent television channels, I have decided that I have found the probable reason for my poorly chest.

Yes, that's right, I have found the cause.

I believe that it was caused by my mother eating Angel Delight when she was pregnant with me. I have no medical or scientific evidence to back this up, but it is a theory that you will find hard to disprove.

I am now an expert in Angel Delight related chronic medical conditions. Please forward your questions to me regarding a possible class action I am thinking of launching against Birds.

And you Mother.

Went the Day Well?

Occulomency visited a former World War II bomber base this weekend. The purpose of the visit was to view a series of races and displays pertaining to the 50th birthday of the British motoring icon, the Mini.

But  some things are not as they first seem. Sure there were a plethora of Union flags, lots of pomp and circumstance and a good deal of good old fashioned pluck. But when Lettie nearly fell off a bouncy castle, a smartly dress fellow informed me in an unmistakable German accent to "superwise  your child, old bean".

Gradually Occulomency began to notice odd things. Why were the Burger-Bar prices written with  the figure seven featuring a cross stroke? Why were they selling bars of chocolate made in Vienna? Why did all of the staff  have blue eyes and blonde hair? Why are they so pro the new Mini whilst seemingly ignoring the old one?  Could it really it be?

Slowly and horrifyingly, Occulomency realised that the enemy was in our midst, German paratroops disguised as British car enthusiasts. As the Germans declared themselves the hitherto supposedly pukka British Touring Car Driver allowed himself an 'Ach, so'. I suppose the consession stand selling bratwurst and frankenfurter on "zie barbeque tradition von Ulm" or something like that, should have given the game away.

We tried to escape, but were all locked up in a church with the Vicar and the Verger. Fortunately, a platoon of the Home Guard were passing by on there way home from a trainign exercise, and Bravely the men infiltrated the church hall dressed as choir boys and faced the enemy head on.

Occulomency needs a new coat.

Occulomency is done with being a Ferrari apologist.

In a fit of pique, Scuderia Ferrari (Scuderia is apparently  Italian for whinging, cheating bastards) took Mosley (you know, the one who definitely didn't engage in a a Nazi themed spank-a-thon with a bunch of hookers, even though we all saw the video footage) to court in France (you know, the country full of treacerous, work-shy peasents) because the prospect of cheaper, more entertaining racing doesn't appeal when they aren't able to spend their way out of the shit-pool they are in right now.

Ferrari lost. Funny that eeryone who goes up against Mosley in court seems to lose. He'd have gone down a storm at Nuremburg. Anyway, a little fact was brought to light at this trial, which must have left Ferrari with a distinct "I just shot my own foot off" feeling.

This little fact is the veto privilege that was given to Ferrari upon breaking ranks with the GPWC in 2005 and resigning the Concorde Agreement (thus stuffing the manufacturers panned break-away series). This veto gives Ferrari the power to affect the FIA regulations rulings and was the main focus of their bid to seek and injunction against the FIA regarding the 2010 regulation changes recently announced by the definitely not spanky-Mosley.

Sounds like no-one knew about this, but it begins to explain the vim and vigour with which every minor and major rule infraction on the part of McLaren has been punished, and yet Ferrari has got away with murder.

Sir Frank Williams claims not to have known of this "veto" power, so can we assume that other teams in the dark too?. Bernie surly must have known, and it does appear that it has given Ferrari an unfair advantage. What annoys Occulomency is that it hardly appears that they need this sort of help.

Trouble is, Ferrari aren't as bright as old bum-smacker Mosley. Max reckons that the veto has expired. It has also been suggested that Bernie could sue Ferrari should it choose not enter the F1 in 2010. Rumour suggests that Bernie recognizes the Courts ruling as acknowledging the veto power Ferrari posses and this would also indicate that they are in fact obligated to the remainder of the Concorde Agreement which expires in 2012.

Ferrari claim that the regulations changed without respect to  "due process", this negates the Concorde Agreement and buts Max & Bernie in breach of the 2005 contract

I'm hoping Ferrari will either pull out or shut up. When I find myself agreeing with Alonso, I know F1 is in trouble.

Ferrari also issued the following statement as part of a press release:

"Wirth Research, Lola, USF1, Epsilon Euskadi, RML, Formtech, Campos, iSport: these are the names of the teams which would compete in the two-tier Formula One wanted by Mosley, wouldn't it be more appropriate to call it Formula GP3?"

Yep, nice one Ferrari, I mean these crap new teams that no-one wants to watch... Brawn Gp etc....

Arrogant twats. They would do well to remember that every other team that has appeared in the championship  in 1950 turned out to be replaceable, and it's unlikely that Ferrari would prove to be any different.

Occulomency needs a new coat.

The Stupidity Assumption.

Occulomency does a fair amount of driving throughout the United Kingdom. Places change, people look different from place to place (especially Wrexham), but one rule has to be applied wherever you find yourself.

All other people on the road are blind, dangerous and stupid. Every pedestrian will step out in front of you, every car with it's indicator on will either:

                        a) not make the turn, or
                        b) make the opposite turn to that which is being indicated.

Every car that approaches a recently changed red light will continue as if the light was green and will not stop.

Motor-cyclists are aware of what is going on around them and are unfailingly polite, scooter riders are not and will exhibit non-predictable movement patterns (whilst being aggressive).

If it's a Citroen Saxo, Vauxhall Corsa or a Peugeot 206, I'll assume it's going to wander into my lane, turn without indicating or something else so remarkably stupid that I haven't been able to guess what it is. These cars should have a wide exclusion zone around them.

Men with families in Volkswagen Polo's will be angry and will overtake only when dangerous and will cause you to brake, swerve or both. Again, avoid getting to close.

People who own camper vans enjoy shitting in a bucket in a cupboard and then emptying it themselves. Obviously one can assume that their judgement is impaired so maintain a wide berth.

Anything with a non-standard exhaust is going to be driven either very quickly or very slowly. Any car with lights:

            a) on it's windscreen washers; or
            b) underneath the car,

must be assumed to be driven by a moron.

Saabs are driven by nice people. Audis (especially diesel ones) are driven by cocks. BMWs never let you out of side streets, nor do Volkswagen's driven by middle-aged ladies.

People who drive cars that advertise that they are not interested in driving can be a worry, but are generally not there to make any points so can be assumed to be generally safe (most Fords, Mazdas, Renaults and large Citroens come into this category).

Korean cars are split by age. New ones, or ones owned from new fall into the above category. Second hand ones are dangerous and they should be assumed to be unpredictable.

Toyota Yaris's are generally driven by lovely people. Toyota Prius's are driven by sanctimonious gits.

Anybody with a V12 or a Wankel is OK by me. Old non-classics are fine too (most Rovers etc...). I hate to admit it but Lotus drivers are probably enthusiasts who take pride and care in the way they drive, and so are to be trusted.

Actually, apart from BMW drivers, if you have chosen a rear-wheel drive car, you probably understand cars quite well, so you can be trusted too.

By the way, waving and smiling at a driver who is desperately trying to avoid eye-contact is most amusing, try it when some dick won't let you change lane. It's fun.

The reason, by the way, is obvious.

Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn. Treacherous as the Seas. Stronger than the foundations of the Earth.

Occulomency was approached to design a special helicopter jet plane hybrid, so very important people can get to important meetings in a timely fashion.

The list of requirements were as follows:

   1. It must be fast
   2. It must look super bitchin' cool
   3. It has to be white with the P2 logo on the side
   4. I has to have machine guns
   5. It has to have white leather seats
   6. It has to have a minimum range of Weybridge to Las Vegas
   7. Its running costs have to be no more than £1,000 per month
   8. Ideally it has to be able to transport all staff.
   9. Ladies must love it
  10. It must have a top speed of 1000 miles and hour (see point 1)
  11. If needed draw inspiration from Streethawk or Airwolf
  12. It must have a super intelligent computer like KITT so we can summon it to collect us from the pub/meetings
  13. It has to be able to fly underwater as well
  14. It must be bullet proof
  15. If possible can it also go into space?
  16. Some sort of cloaking device to make it invisible would be useful
  17. Working safe ejector seats
  18. Must be a negligible carbon footprint Note: Look at work being done on bio fuels
  19. Must be no harder to pilot that a Raleigh Chopper Bike
  20. It has to have pontoons so we can land it on Corby Boating Lake

Now this looks to the untrained eye like a nearly insurmountable task, doesn't it?

Not for Occulomency.

All shall love me and despair.

Bring back David Coulthard's Special Folder

Occulomency watched Spanish Grand Prix last night (Occulomency recorded the whole thing and then took over the television for the whole evening).

A few things struck Occulomency regarding the race and the BBC's coverage of it.

Lewis Hamilton said "It's just a shame they haven't given me a car to defend the championship with. The car is that bad. I'm driving the socks off it. There's just no hope."

You'll notice he said 'they' not 'we'. So, not part of the team like last year then eh Lewis? It did sound like he was trying to find ways of describing his car that didn't include the word "shit".

Also, Hamilton's pussycat doll. Just a word Lewis, don't let it talk. It's not what it is for.

Lewis is "doing great" because "the sun is out".

No Lewis, just no. Ok... No.

In related news, Lewis the Hamster has been located, and is safe and well after tasting freedom for a few days.

Next, which one of you bastards stole David Coulthard's special folder?

Occulomency has a theory.

It's a good one.

He's had to have his folder taken off him by  BBC health and safety officials.

Lets face it, no-one who has to listen to Eddie Jordan spout on should be allowed to have sharp objects on their person lest they snap and launch a frenzied attack. That special folder looked like it could pack quite a punch. Mind you, if Coulthard decided to head-butt EJ.....

Sunglasses question: Should Occulomency move from Wayfarers to Classic Aviators?

Jaguar XJS Engine Check Codes

Occulomency is curious as to how many hits this title accrues. Occulomency will let you know.

Bidding on 1982 (25th Edition Observers Book of Auto mobiles), Occulomency will let you know.

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I may have been wrong

Recently Occulomency may have had recourse to describe the French as treacherous, work-shy, peasants. Occulomency may have been wrong. Look at what those cunning Galls can do.