Occulomency

Eric Pither

Right, well I think that probably explains a great deal.

Measure for measure

I worry about some people's career choices you know.

Suggesting a Maxi shows a remarkable lack of judgment.

There is a tale that quite recently the Germans (spoken as if it is still 1941 and the sky is full of Heinkels) were at the old Morris plant at Abingdon showing designs for a new version of the Mini, slightly larger and with four doors.

"Vee shall call zis ein Maxi!"

Cue much coughing from the plucky Brits, shuffling of feet and staring at shoes etc.

The Subaru Legacy may be a fine car, but it does not fit the profile.

I think the reason so many people don't enjoy driving is that they are buying the wrong cars, and the Subaru is a prime example. It is good, cheap(ish), practical, reliable, dependable etc, but if you sit behind the wheel in one, does it make you go 'Squeeeee!' inside?

In everyone's budgetary limits, in everyones  range if what is deemed practical, there will be a car that makes you want to drive it. You just have to think a bit harder and be prepared to go against the advice of well-meaning persons with no imagination.

If you tell someone that you want a new car and they reply with "cars just get me from A to B", just walk away without listening to another word. If anyone mentions fuel economy, ignore them. Go with what makes you feel happy when you drive it.

My RX-8 makes me happy, even when I'm toiling up the A1 on a miserable Wednesday morning. I am sure a Subaru Legacy wouldn't fill me with joy every time I look at it.

So the character of this theoretical car becomes important and that's why I want a big British bruiser. There are definitely better cars out there for the money, but none that will make me feel quite so good and will fit in a standard garage.

A good question to ask yourself is:

"Would Mrs Peel or John Steed drive this?"

Much Ado About Nothing

Options have been suggested which are inappropriate (this is now a moot point I should stress). It is only fair that the discussions focus on the following key selection criteria:

• This car may a hobby thing, but it also has to be practical.
• It must have rear-seat belts and a large boot.
• It needs to be either old or exquisite, or preferably both.
• It must be luxurious and sumptuous, but it also must fit in a standard garage.
• It must have either a V8 or V12 engine of at least 5 litres.
• It should preferably be British.
• It must cost less than £5,000.
• It's name must be Silvia.

Suggestions so far include:

Rover P5-P6, which actually has merit. Prices for a good example of the P5 are a little high, and the build quality of the P6 can be variable to say the least. Worth a look though and they are quite funky.

A Smart was suggested, but fails to meet any of the aforementioned criteria, plus I can't stand the buzzy little Vichy-France built monstrosities.

A Mini Cooper has been tabled, but we can only discuss the Old Mini, as the new one is an expensive German rip off which may have a fan belt that will last a thousand years but is too small and far too poncy. Old Minis are too small and not luxurious in any way at all, shame because I love them..

I guess a Triumph 2500 is a possibility, but.... Nah.... I just don't like Triumphs.

My favourite at the moment is still a late model Daimler Double Six.

Never going to happen.

La comédie des erreurs

So a Rolls Royce would be three and a half inches too long for the garage. I have found a cheaper, more modern and in my view, more desirable option.

So...

A V12 anybody?

Discuss.

O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.

Now you lot know I want a Caterham 7. But that is going to have to wait a year or two as, where is impecunity is not an issue, finding the money to finance a 7 is not going to be a straightforward thing.

Now I was happily wandering around the Classic Car Show on the weekend, and I think it may have broken my brain a little. Not directly, you understand, but indirectly.

It started with a 1982 pagoda roofed Mercedes 500SL. They wanted £12,000 for it, which is not a lot of money for a hell of a lot of car.

Then I saw a 1999 Maserati GT. Only £16,999, but really, you know it wouldn't be reliable enough, and the tax and insurance would be horrendous.

What about the 1999 Aston Martin DB7? £20,000. Black and gorgeous, but plagued with worse reliability issues than the Maserati.

But this got me thinking, if one needs a family car, but not very often, what about something ridiculous?

I mean one only needs it for, say holidays and the odd long trip. Small fast cars like the Arbarth or the soon to be released Alpha MiTo make fantastic runabouts and country lane blasters, stripped bared sports cars like the Exige or the 7 make perfect 'have a great time going from point A to Point D via the best bits of the British road network' cars. But these cars as long distance option with two kids in the back? Probably not.

So.

I'm thinking.

Just considering, mind.

What about a nice 70's Rolls Royce Silver Shadow?

Discuss.
 

The future's bright. His car is Orange.

And the nation of Occulomency breathes a slight sigh of relief.

Peanut has bought a car with an engine in the right place.

And the nation of Occulomency breathes another slight sigh of relief.

Sister of mine is buying a Fiat 500 Arbarth.

This means the wermacht staff car is going. Hurrah!

Oliver's Army

I saw Oliver!

Oh and three other chaps cocking about with cars.

You're a Celebrity?

So, this years contestants for "I'd like to be a Celebrity, get me on Television" have been announced.

They consist of:

• A former Eastenders actor
• A former daytime TV personality (and failed politician), probably a facist, will be hated by all
• A former public servant that about 3 people have heard of
• A footballer's girlfriend or wife (probably soon to be former)
• A former TV presenter who dropped out of sight to have children and wants to make a comeback
• A former TV presenter with very big teeth and a big gob, will hate other former daytime TV host
• A former US TV star (probably from the '60s, but the '70s or '80s will do at a push), will leave early
• Another former Eastender, probably recovering from a drug-habit or alcoholism, will miss kids
• A former sports personality
• A complete nobody with fake tits, will cop off with former Eastender at some point.

Same as last year then.
And the year before.

But still.... Sulu!

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.

I was sent a list.
A good thought provoking list.
A list of famous Belgians.
Trouble is....

 
Tintin is fictional, if you allow him, what about Poirot and Dr Evil?
Hergé works for me, and don't go all accusing him of being a facist, life is more complex than that. It certainly was for him.
Audrey Hepburn's parents were facists, however. But they weren't Belgian, and she really never lived there apart from as a very small child.
The bloke that looks like James Coburn, who is he? Coburn was born in Nebraska anyway.
And is that Pierre Curie? He was French and run over by a tram. Married well though.
Magritte is definitely a Belgium and pretty famous.

Additionally, Peanut mentions Charles Joseph Van Depoele, Georges Remi, The Singing Nun and that bastard who inflicted the Smurfs on us (Pierre Culliford).

But you have all missed the best one.

Yes, that's right, Thierry Marc Boutsen, driving God.

Addendum:

OK, the one who looks like James Coburn is Jacques Brel, a 'famous' Belgian. Who I am barely aware of. Turns out, he wrote the original of that Terry Jacks saccharin filled puss bucket of a song, "Seasons in the sun". 

The other dude, who, I thought to be Pierre Curie was, actually, Victor Horta, a rather marvellous architect who designed such over the top art nouveau structures, that he is often credited with starting the movement.

I thank my muse for the information.

By the way, we forgot another incredibly important Belgian.

Yes, that's right, the not dead Plastic Bertrand.

Rock God!

ten seconds to belgium

Did you know that Belgium has the only motorway system in the world that is fully illuminated?

Anyway, I wish to start a campaign to make a  Belgian famous, as I think Jean-Claude Van Damme is a twat.

So here is my (first) nomination for the 'Let's make a Belgian Famous' section of Occulomency.

Egide Walschaerts (21 January 1820 – 1901) was a Belgian mechanical engineer. He is best known as the inventor of the Walschaerts valve gear for use in steam locomotives.

Born in Belgium at Mechelen, he joined the Belgian State Railways as works manager in 1842, a position he held for the rest of his life, first at Mechelen and then at Brussels Midi. Whilst at Mechelen in 1844 he developed a new type of valve gear. A locomotive built at the Tubize workshops fitted with the Walschaerts valve gear was awarded a gold medal at the 1873 Universal Exhibition in Vienna. This valve gear came to be used in the majority of steam locomotives, and became almost universal throughout the 20th Century.

There, that's the first of a long seiries of famous Belgians. My educational quotiant for the day is satisfied.

By the way, the people of Mechelen have a great nick-name. Back in 1687 they made an heroic attempt to fight a blaze high up in the Saint-Rumbold's Tower. Trouble is it was the flairing of the moon passing behind clouds that they could see, reflected in the tower's windows.

Since then, the Mechlinians have been called Maneblussers (Moon Extinguishers).