Occulomency

Ladies with funny names

Puerile, I know but....

a numerical improbability of statisticians.

I have spent the last couple of days in London.

Firstly, we saw and played with a proper original German enigma machine. Very cool.

Peanut and I had several discussions revolving round the dimensions of rolling stock on the famous underground system. I know, we could have got drunk and visited the Spearmint Rhino, but no, we talked about trains.

This is the very same Peanut who definitely isn't a geek.

Anyhow, it was pointed out to me that Underground trains are actually quite different in size depending on which line the trains run. Well, here is the deal.

The 'Tube' rolling stock.

This is the general designation applied to the trains specially designed to run in the restricted space available in the tunnels used on part or all of the Bakerloo, Central, Northern, Piccadilly, Victoria & Jubilee Lines.

The dimensions vary between individual designs but the common feature is the ability to run through a circular tunnel of approximately 13ft/4m diameter.

Then there is the 'Sub-Surface' rolling stock.

This is the general designation of the Underground trains constructed to width and height dimensions closer to those commonly used for railway vehicles in Great Britain, although in some cases they slightly exceed various standard dimensions or clearances. They are used for services on lines which currently share, or have previously shared, use with non-Underground trains and where no section required the use of smaller diameter "tube" tunnels.

So, line by line...

Goody Goody Goody

Occulomency notes that a TV talent show to find an "ordinary girl" to play Jade Goody in a musical based on her life is being planned.

Occulomency went into the centre of Nottingham this lunchtime to pick up his rather marvellous Sea-master from the reichswatchmenders (it now has full functionality).

Usually when Occulomency parks it is at the lowest extreme of the Victoria Centre car park, blue section, by the lifts that come out opposite Tesco. Today Occulomency decided to park at the the top-most extremity of the Fletcher Gate car park, and in a remarkable fit of heroism, travel from the 12th to the 2nd floor in an Otis elevator.

Occulomency descended but two floors before my journey into the depths of the underworld began. Three of Nottingham's finest entered the lift, a stout young lady in her early 20's, her father, presumably of around my age and her beloved boyfriend, a rat-like creature also around 20 years of age.

Their attire largely consisted of items that I presume TK Maxx and Primark were selling off at a bargain price, their jewellery and watches came directly from Argos, their shoes indicated a level of physical activity which the young lady's physique did not hint at.

They all had a vaguely unwashed scent attached to them, although as the journey continued that became less of an issue. The young gentleman belched, loudly. The young lady commented that it was rude, the gentleman commented that his indigestion was due to the poor quality of repast that his beloved prepared for him that morning. The father of the you lady commented that he had seemed quite content to eat this ante meridiem regalement.

The resultant conversation was punctuated by a remarkable smell which, if Occulomency's trained olfactory nerves are to be believed was due to one of the trio releasing flatus.

They left the elevator having an animated discussion regarding their shopping plans at the Broadmarsh Centre.

If the entertainment industry need to start their search for persons and vulgar, ghastly, stupid and impolite as possible to star in their search for a Goody in the Fletcher Gate car park.

Occulomency seeks relocation to Belgium at the earliest opportunity.

Gulf colours.

Aston Martin Chairman David Richards says that Prodrive, his rather spiffy racing car company, is just possibly going to think about entering Formula One next year.  There must be a chance that Prodrive will brand themselves as Aston Martin, and given they are tied to Gulf for their current Le Mans campaign, does that mean we would get Gulf coloured F1 cars? Ooohhh.... I hope so.

Spank enjoying, son-of-Nazi sympathisers Mosley is planning for up to 3 more teams next year, so we could get up to 26 cars on the grid and it’s never bad news to get more cars in a race.

Anyhoo....

Occulomency & clan have just returned from Portmeirion after the first visit of the year. Stayed in Belvedere for the first time. Nearly, but not quite, as nice as Cliff House, but it has good views of the Village and Estuary. The Hotel was as flawless as ever and Castell Deudraeth has improved. Trouble is, the break wasn'tlong enough so we'll have to go back later in the year.

Finally, the Government has failed to persuade Occulomency to trade in the Jaguar for a less polluting car.

Content Warning

On a new mission.

Collect all 25 editions of "The Observers Book of Automobiles"

This should be possible for less than £100.

I have the first edition (1955).

I shall keep you posted.

The four pillars of hangover management

A public service.

1. Aggressive rehydration regime (oral a poor second choice for IV)
2. Fat & Carb loaded breakfast (pref. bacon, fried egg, chilli & chutney sandwiches)
3. As much sleep as possible
4. Ibuprofen (pref. used as a prophylactic prior to imbibition)

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

A quick look back at the honesty of F1 teams through the years 1982-84.

Formula One rules specify a minimum weight  leading to cars being built light and ballasted up to the minimum weight to optimise weight distribution. However, back in 1982, the rules  specified that cars were to be weighed at the conclusion of a race when refilled with their usual fluids.

In 1982, Brabham and Williams used this provision to develop cars with  'water cooled brakes' - the car officially started the race with a large, full water tank, the water was released in the general direction of the brakes and the car effectively raced underweight, only to be later topped up sufficient water to ensure the weight limit was not breached.

Tyrrell, was only team without a turbocharged engine in 1984, were able to benefit from a similar strategy. In Tyrrell's case, the engine was equipped with a water injection system (a means of lowering cylinder temperatures to increase power), whose supply tank was to be topped up late in the race.

It had been noted by journalists that after Tyrrell's final pit stops, lead shot could be seen escaping from the top of the car. It turned out that Tyrrell were running the car underweight during the races then, in the closing stages, topping up water injection supply tanks with an additional 2 gallons of water mixed with 140 lb of lead shot to ensure it made the weight limit. As this was pumped in under significant pressure, some escaped through the tank vent and rained down on neighbouring pits, in sufficient quantities for other teams to sweep the shot away before their drivers pitted.

The minimum weight limit of an F1 car  includes the driver. For a time, drivers were only weighed once a year at the start of a season with helmet, gloves and boots. Rumour has it that many teams developed very heavy helmets for the weigh-in.

All teams try to get an advantage, always have done, always will do.

It just adds to the entertainment when they get caught.

Theme Park Review - Hades World of Excitement and Adventure!

Set in a picturesque part of North Nottinghamshire, nestled between one of the UK's largest power stations and a high security psychiatric hospital. Hades gives you a day out that's hard to forget, even with extensive electro-convulsive therapy.

As you enter the park through the entrance (Hell's Mouth) the cheery sign tells you, and your adoring family to abandon all hope, ye who enter here. The white angel at the entrance to the camp directs some to the left and some to the right, but all are joined in common astonishment at the range and depth of vistas and experiences on offer.

Let's face it, all children love a story, and tales that cause you to question your will to carry on are plentiful at Misery Hill Village.  “Who’s been drinking my Jesus Juice (tm)?", asks Michael Jackson when you sit on his lap, I  you will be able to guess the tune when you play the piano in the Gary Glitter's house! Do you want to be in his gang? Oh yes.

Next, well, ahoy there me hearties, shiver my timbers, splice the main brace and up the jolly roger, it's time for a lick-o-the-cat with Captain Sandy, Master Bates and Seaman Staines in the pirate village of Bunghole. Don't get too wet on Roger the Cabin Boy's special water-sports ride!

Then it was all aboard the Shitland Railway, but hold on to your hats! Those pesky bandits were popping up everywhere, lead by that bandit King, Jonathan King. I'll bet you've never heard a goat yodel, a potato talk, or a pig sing! Well you will if you visit Evisceration Plaza! Do you know another vivisection laboritory that's open to all ages? Where all the animals join in and sing a musical chorus? All the fun of a career at Boots, you even get to play with the electrodes! Then we went to the methylenedioxymethamphetamine kitchen, a great place where you're the one who makes magical things happen.

It did take some courage to visit the Land of Torments, but the bowel chilling terror didn't last long. Who can be afraid of our delightful little troup of Bill Oddies, Tony Robinsons, Giles Brandriths and Noel Edmonds who take you on a smug journey through the vast lands of their egos. Then on to the exciting Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry's Bouncy Castle/Trout Farm, don't look so worried, it's just research! You shouldn't miss the magnificent Cahulawassee River Ride around Deliverance Country, squeal piggy squeal!

Fianlly, just before the exit was the terrific Ministry of Love, have a relaxing Victory Gin in the Chestnut Tree Cafe, nice.

** Occulomency's top tip for a happy visit!**

When crossing the River Styx on the way into Hades, you must remember not to pay Charon (the Ferryman) until you reach the other side, or you will turn into a mono-browed, nanny-shagging, toss monger.

**Remember!**

It is considered more dangerous driving to a theme park than riding coasters, especially if you drive in a French car.

**Don't forget!**

Work shall set you free.