Occulomency does a fair amount of driving throughout the United Kingdom. Places change, people look different from place to place (especially Wrexham), but one rule has to be applied wherever you find yourself.
All other people on the road are blind, dangerous and stupid. Every pedestrian will step out in front of you, every car with it's indicator on will either:
a) not make the turn, or
b) make the opposite turn to that which is being indicated.
Every car that approaches a recently changed red light will continue as if the light was green and will not stop.
Motor-cyclists are aware of what is going on around them and are unfailingly polite, scooter riders are not and will exhibit non-predictable movement patterns (whilst being aggressive).
If it's a Citroen Saxo, Vauxhall Corsa or a Peugeot 206, I'll assume it's going to wander into my lane, turn without indicating or something else so remarkably stupid that I haven't been able to guess what it is. These cars should have a wide exclusion zone around them.
Men with families in Volkswagen Polo's will be angry and will overtake only when dangerous and will cause you to brake, swerve or both. Again, avoid getting to close.
People who own camper vans enjoy shitting in a bucket in a cupboard and then emptying it themselves. Obviously one can assume that their judgement is impaired so maintain a wide berth.
Anything with a non-standard exhaust is going to be driven either very quickly or very slowly. Any car with lights:
a) on it's windscreen washers; or
b) underneath the car,
must be assumed to be driven by a moron.
Saabs are driven by nice people. Audis (especially diesel ones) are driven by cocks. BMWs never let you out of side streets, nor do Volkswagen's driven by middle-aged ladies.
People who drive cars that advertise that they are not interested in driving can be a worry, but are generally not there to make any points so can be assumed to be generally safe (most Fords, Mazdas, Renaults and large Citroens come into this category).
Korean cars are split by age. New ones, or ones owned from new fall into the above category. Second hand ones are dangerous and they should be assumed to be unpredictable.
Toyota Yaris's are generally driven by lovely people. Toyota Prius's are driven by sanctimonious gits.
Anybody with a V12 or a Wankel is OK by me. Old non-classics are fine too (most Rovers etc...). I hate to admit it but Lotus drivers are probably enthusiasts who take pride and care in the way they drive, and so are to be trusted.
Actually, apart from BMW drivers, if you have chosen a rear-wheel drive car, you probably understand cars quite well, so you can be trusted too.
By the way, waving and smiling at a driver who is desperately trying to avoid eye-contact is most amusing, try it when some dick won't let you change lane. It's fun.
The reason, by the way, is obvious.
Whilst I agree with most of what you say, your statements are in fact only 1/2 the equation. As all driver/car types fall into a category, there style is relative to what you are driving.
For example, Imprezta Drivers are normally idiots, especially Mk1 drivers, who are normally young and have just enough cash to buy a really knackered fake STi, (or a Skyline). Now, if driving, lets say a Land Rover, they will be idiots but just rude fast idiots, when over taking on a motorway. If driving, lets say a Lotus, they see this as a challenge and want to kill themselves to overtake you.
Etc.
You know it makes sense.
Now do more research.
Posted by: The Peanut | Friday, May 22, 2009 at 07:37 AM