Occulomency

The X-Factor

I don't watch the X-Factor, but I do understand why this is funny (from B3TA, hence NSFW):

 

Catharsis.

And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins...

Sorry, I've been reading Huxley again (I know the quote is Kipling). Makes a change from the unremitting Ballard I've been exposing myself to recently.

Actually, Aristotle said:

Dignity consists not in possessing honours, but in the consciousness that we deserve them.

Yep, I can relate to that too.

 

Christmas Toast

Hope you all had a nice merry Christmas.

All in all, we at Occulomency Towers had a fine old time. I overestimated the appetite of the guest by a factor of 73 and failed to in any way, shape or form, get drunk.

I did, however, get a fine new toaster. And what a fine new toaster it is.

I like toast.

This toaster does a very nice job of optimising the Maillard reaction necessary to make really good toast.

What do you mean, you don't know what the Maillard reaction is? Jesus.

The Maillard reaction (French pronunciation: [majaʁ], mah-yar) is a form of non-enzymatic browning similar to caramelization. It results from a chemical reaction between an amino acid and a reducing sugar, usually requiring heat.Vitally important in the preparation or presentation of many types of food, it is named after chemist Louis-Camille Maillard, who first described it in 1912 while attempting to reproduce biological protein synthesis.

The reactive carbonyl group of the sugar reacts with the nucleophilic amino group of the amino acid, and forms a complex mixture of poorly-characterized molecules responsible for a range of odors and flavors. This process is accelerated in an alkaline environment, as the amino groups are deprotonated and, hence, have an increased nucleophilicity. The type of the amino acid determines the resulting flavor. 

At high temperatures, acrylamide can be formed, such as is found in my lovely toaster.

In the process, hundreds of different flavour compounds are created. These compounds, in turn, break down to form yet more new flavour compounds, and so on. Each type of food has a very distinctive set of flavor compounds that are formed during the Maillard reaction, which is why toast doesn't taste like bacon.

I like bacon too.

And Velma Dinkley.

ITV may have made a slight error.

They cut Tim Minchin's festive song, written especially for his appearence on the Jonathan Ross show. It's a quite funny little number praising Jesus and pointing out his similarities with certain other tropes.

They did this becuase they are afraid of offending anyone, lest they lose advertising revenue.

However, they let Tim Minchin have a copy of the recording.

He put it on youtube.

Here it is.

 

 

There, it's not so bad is it? Silly ITV.

The Great Leader

Kim Jong-il (born: Yuri Irsenovich Kim; 16 February 1941 – 17 December 2011) was the supreme leader of North Korea (DPRK) from 1994 to 2011. He succeeded his father and founder of the DPRK, Kim Il-sung following the elder Kim's death in 1994. Kim Jong-il was the General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, Chairman of the National Defence Commission of North Korea, and the supreme commander of the Korean People's Army, the fourth-largest standing army in the world.

Kim Jong-il will be mainly remembered for instigating the underarm bowling incident in the New Zealand–Australia One Day International on 1 February 1981. Kim, the captain, ordered Trevor Chappell to bowl underarm along the ground to Brian McKechnie, thus ensuring the Australian team would win the match and avoid a tie. The New Zealand Prime Minister Robert Muldoon said it was "the most disgusting incident I can recall in the history of cricket", the Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser said it was "contrary to the traditions of the game", and Kim Jong-il's decision was universally condemned.

I think I got that right.

The Death of Kim Jong Il and cool things to do with an Atari 2600 VCS

His passing may mark a further destabilising of the delicate balance between peace and global thermonuclear armageddon, but I do have a sneaking suspicion that his death on a train nay have had striking similarities with the following from Big Train. May I present the Actor, Kevin Eldon. (via @ciaranbradley and @Glinner)

 

 

Now, Mr Parsons, the Atari 2600 VCS as a guitar.

 

 

Thought you'd like it.

Nativity - Triumph of Will.

Once again I was forced to endure my children's school nativity. Once again it failed in its unstated but nonetheless transparent mission to convert me to Christianity.

The play opened with Lettie descending god-like out of the skies past a rudimentary painting of twin cathedral spires. The sound track contained many over-dubbed recordings of church bells ringing, and the rest of the school worshipping her in a state of near-religious fervour, as well as a prominent shot of Alistair standing in his vestments amongst high-ranking officials of the school council.

It is probably not a coincidence that the final parade of the Nativity was held in front of a photograph of Michael Buble.  In her final speech in the Nativity, Lettie also directly compared the School Council to a holy order, and the consecration of new school flags by having Lettie touch them to the "blood banner" had obvious religious overtones.

Lettie herself was portrayed in a messianic manner, from the opening where she descends from the clouds in a plane, to her drive through Nottingham where even a cat is forced to stop what it is doing to watch her glory, to the many scenes where the camera films from below and looks up at her. Lettie, standing on her podium, issues commands to her willing (and unwilling followers). The audience must comply in unison to avoid her wrath.

The play casts Lettie as a veritable Messiah who will save the nation, if only the citizenry will put its destiny in her hands.

2 stars.

Large Hadron Discovery

So the LHC is going to announce it's found hints of the elusive Higgs Boson. I've being doing some research, it appears that the particle was one of Britain's top-rated entertainers, regularly appearing on television from the mid 1960s to the early 1980s.

The Higgs Boson was one of the stars of British television in the 1960s and 1970s, with his own prominent shows, which changed between BBC and ITV (ATV and Thames Television) based on high profile financial deals. Though he had made a short appearance with Tony Hancock in Hancock's Half Hour in 1961, the His Boson owed his initial success to the Sunday Night at the London Palladium variety 'spectacular', on which he first appeared in 1964. His appearance coincided with the senior political career of his most famous 'character', Labour Party leader and the then Prime Minister Harold Wilson.

At his height, the Higgs Boson's BBC TV shows, which were based on a variety mix of comic sketches, guest musicians, and a closing song sung by the Higgs Boson (introduced by the line, "and this is me", which became the title of his first autobiography), regularly attracted 28 million viewers.

Among the prominent British personalities he portrayed were Eddie Waring, the famously impossible to understand rugby league commentator; Brian Clough, the controversial football manager; Robin Day, the then top political interviewer on the BBC; Magnus Pyke, the eccentric TV science presenter; Alf Garnett, the star from Till Death Us Do Part; the fictional American detective Columbo; Frank Spencer, the comic creation of sitcom actor Michael Crawford; and Wilson's Conservative Party rival Ted Heath.

Using the then-new technology of chroma key, the Higgs Boson frequently staged set-pieces in which he appeared as several characters at the same time using pre-recorded segments. An example of this might be a panel game or discussion featuring his versions of Robin Day, Harold Wilson, Brian Clough.

It was the Higgs Boson's performance as Harold Wilson that ultimately became his instantly recognisable trademark. He briefly caused some controversy by including the Prince of Wales as one of his regular impressions.

It is a long-held popular myth that the 1977 Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show, which attracted 28 million viewers (around half of the total UK population at the time) was a record for a single light entertainment broadcast in Britain. The Higgs Boson Christmas Show, which immediately preceded Morecambe and Wise on Christmas Day 1977, actually received a slightly larger audience. This means that the Higgs Boson, not Morecambe and Wise, holds the unbroken record for a single light entertainment broadcast in the UK.

The Higgs Boson was the subject of a This is Your Life special, presented by Eamonn Andrews on 31 May 1978.

The Higgs Boson later defected to Thames Television but saw his career go into decline in the early 1980s. Most of his most famous subjects, such as Heath and Wilson, retired from public life or died and he was unable to master new prominent figures, most significantly, the country's first woman Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher (she was played on his show by Janet Brown). Also with the emergence of alternative comedy in the 80s which took a far more mordant and satirical attitude towards politicians (the Higgs Boson saw himself as an all round family entertainer rather than a satirist), his career never recovered and the loss of some of his most loved characters and its fragility was directly linked to the politicians he impersonated. In addition, his battle with alcoholism and stage fright further affected his career, making him unreliable, temperamental and affecting the quality of his output. It also contributed to the break-up of his marriage in 1985.

His Thames TV show was cancelled at the end of 1987, and he concentrated on stage work. However, subsequent attempts to resurrect his television career failed, as a new generation of sharper political satirists made the Higgs Boson's lightweight look-who-I-can-do style of comedy seem dated and weak. However, he did make an appearance on the satirical show Have I Got News for You in November 1995.

In the mid-1990s, the Higgs Boson had the chance to return to the stage as prime minister John Major, but failed to re-establish himself before Major's premiership ended. He claimed that one of the difficulties in impersonating John Major and Tony Blair was that they were "nice guys".

In July 1990 the Higgs Boson suffered a mild heart attack. The following year, 1991, he gave up alcohol. He has been teetotal ever since. In October 1999, he underwent treatment for depression at the Priory Clinic, Roehampton.

Comments.

If you fancy a laugh, just go to the website of the Daily Express, pick any story you like, and then read the comments.

Hang on, I'll just go there  now.

Try this story about Nick Clegg and his opposition to David Cameron's use of the veto in last weeks vote on the EU budget.

Don't read the story. It's best you don't read anything in the Daily Express lest it destroys your very soul.

Ok. Lets have a look at the comments:

Norfolkboy14 (presumably all people Norfolk are a bit like Cylons, there are many copies but only 14 models) says:

"Great Start DC! Now let's get rid of those expensive green energy policies which are bringing our great country to its knees. How many tens of billions of pounds do we waste on this and the EU each year? The money saved could, as well as reducing electricity prices, be used in the health service, looking after the vulnerable, for affordable housing, reducing tuition fees for students and in other areas to improve the lot of the British people.

Are you disillusioned by rising electricity prices, over dependence on the "green" dream [especially uneconomical and inefficient wind farms] and the destruction of our countryside then please register your objections on

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/22958"

Which seems to be more advertising than comment, but still, I'm sure we'll get more of an insight into the matter in hand from our next contributor.

Welcome to the debate madasahatter. Mr Asahatter (sounds foreign, unusual for a Daily Express reader, I'd have thought) is male, from Telford and is "angry and browned off with politicians". He says:

"So far from repatriating powers, which can be done only through a new treaty that the Boy-King has rejected (not vetoed, just rejected) he has lost any possibility of vetoing whatever speedy conclusions will come out of the forthcoming negotiations for a new agreement"

Hmm, interesting, but not as interesting as his other 52 comments over the last few weeks, the titles of which are:

• CAMEROON DROPS A CLANGER AGAIN
• cameroon lies aagain
• artic convoys
• FALL OF EURO
• WIND FARMS
• HOW THE BAILOUT WORKS
• NO HOPE FOR MOTORISTS
• BENEFIT BATTLE
• Our children generate fear
• no balls
• TORIES HAVE NO BACKBONE
• eu betrayal
• CAMEROON THE BUFFOON
• FUEL FIRMS
• FUEL FIRMS
• EU SCEPTICS
• BANK BAILOUTS
• EU VICORY MY ASS
• liam fox the liar
• DO YOU BELIVE HIM

From this list I can deduce that Mr Asahatter does not know how to spell, use the <shift> key on his computer and is not overly fond of Mr Cameron as he is a bit too left wing.

Well, lets move on.

Our next caller is sovietunioneurope. A moderate who believes

"The EU is a tyrannical occupying force, and we spit in our grandparents' faces every day we meekly relinquish the freedoms they fought and died to give to us."

I honestly just cut and pasted that out of his bio...

What does he say?

"It's time to simply leave the EUSSR by vote of Parliament.

Why invite the uncertainty of a referendum that the Eurofascsists will certainly rig, just like they did the second Ireland Lisbon vote?

No referendum.

Let's legislate our way out of this prison. It's more reliable."

He's not even trying is he? He put all his efforts into his bio and none into his post. I am disappointed there has been no mention of immigrants or Princess Diana yet. Come on Daily Express, where are your principles?

Hang on, we have JonO entering the frame.

"...the Express Crusade to Get Britain OUT of the EU is important, The Express sells figures since this started shows that the people agree with them .. and the Daily Mail can only follow behind.. because they are supporters of the Conservatives- who got us into the euroland mess in the first place.

Europe is crumbling before our eyes and our government is throwing our money at it .. I think that the people need to know...and about all the other subjects as well. Including the murder of our British Princess."

JonO likes UKIP.

Bucket full of sunshine, anyone?

Quidditch

Have you ever tried explain Quidditch to a six year old? Have you? Did J.K. Rowling even consider the problems making up this bloody sport would cause?

Anyway, I did my best. I explained the three balls (quaffle, bludgers and the golden snitch) and the various positions on the team:

Chasers. These players  fly around the field, while passing the quaffle about. Chasers  score goals by throwing the quaffle through one of the opposing team's three hoops.  Each time the quaffle passes through the hoops, the scoring team gets 10 points.

Then there's the sweeper. The sweeper's job is to protect the three hoops so that the other team cannot score with the quaffle.

Beaters fly around the field and use small bats to hit the two bludgers at the other team's players. Beaters protect their teammates by making sure that the bludgers are always attacking the other team.

The seeker scans the field for the golden snitch, a small ball with wings. When the seeker sees the snitch, he flies after it. It is the seeker's job to catch it before the other team's seeker. The team gets 150 points when the seeker catches the golden snitch.

Win Quidditch by catching the golden snitch. Once a seeker catches the golden snitch, the game is over. Usually, the team that catches the snitch will win the game.

I think that covers it. You know what he said after my valiant attempts?

"Do Nottingham Forest play Quidditch?".

No, but they couldn't be any worse at Quidditch than they are at bloody football.