Ok @JamieVJB, you've asked for this.
Back in May 1985, I was young, just doing my O'levels in fact. Duran Duran were doing the James Bond theme for what would turn out to be a rather saggy and jowelled RogerMortis' last outing as the sexist, misogynistic dinosaur we all love.
Duran Duran and Bond, what could be cooler? Eh?
Well, nothing. Or so we thought, afterall Duran Duran did good videos. A bit odd, sometimes, but good. Mainly. Well, I say good. I mean patchy.
Many Duran videos are obviously products of their time and have stood the test well. Obviously The Chauffeur and Girls on Film spring to mind as classics (naked ladies.... naked ladies dancing and mud-wrestling... with ice-cubes....) but Rio, Careless Memories and even The Reflex have lasted well. They look old but not dated.
Try watching the video clip for A View to a Kill. It looks dated, which is a shame because the idea is good, the execution, however, not so much.
Directed by Godley and Creme, the video features the former wild boys as some sort of secret agent types who are having a scrap around the Eiffel Tower with scenes from the movie interwoven seamlessly to form a cohesive plot-line for the clip. I mean, how hard can it be to make that awesome? I'll come back to that later.
OK, so my problems with the video start near the beginning of the piece. Roger (drummer) is sitting in the driver's seat of a van. This van is displaying the sign of a catering company called“Chez Tayloire”. This is really clever because Roger's surname is Taylor (there are two more Taylors, but I'll get to them later). Anyway, Roger has parked his van (apparently illegally) on the street in front of the Eiffel Tower. Roger uses a Star Trek style transporter to move himself into the back of the van.
Or maybe Roger can apparate (read Harry Potter, FFS), anyway the crux of the matter is, Roger does not need to do humdrum things like opening van doors or walking, he teleports himself.
Lesson number one: Duran Duran are beyond physics.
Roger has kitted his van out with a super computer spy den thing with a massice telephone. It's a bit like the TARDIS, circa Colin Baker, but with a massive telephone. It's not great but the lights do wonders for his cheekbones. Roger was the shy one, so he got to sit in the van. No wonder he upped sticks and left soon afterwards.
Roger launches a badly chroma-keyed seemingly two dimensional magic levitating camcorder which he uses to look at the secret agentish mayhem he is orchestrating.
Simon Le Bon is leaning up against some railings on the Eiffel Tower. He is dressed as a twat. Sorry, he is wearing a beret, stripy tee-shirt, a big trench-coat with the collar turned up and is listening to a walkman. Awesome, Simon, awesome.
Andy Taylor is wearing dark glasses, is dressed entirely in black and is using a white cane, for he is BLIND EVERYBODY!
This may explain his hair. I know I'm not one to talk, I regularly have committed crimes against hair-styling, but Andy's hair is unbelievable.
Imagine Bellatrix LeStrange (just watch Harry Potter FFS) after being doused in a vat of Harmony Hairspray and then connected to the national grid.
He's also got a big box (careful now).
Andy looks over to:-
Nick Rhodes, who, being into photography in real life, is stretching himself artistically and taking photographs of a gorgeous bird. He was always my favourite, but not even I copied his hair from this video.
Next we get John Taylor, the bass player whose real name is Nigel. Remember this, his name is Nigel Taylor. Anyways, John (he's so much cooler than we are) is hanging around the telescope thingies on the top deck of the tower. He's watching scenes from the movie from it (you know, the bit with RogerMortis and Grace HartySlapper shooting at each other).
Cut to Roger, who is looking a bit sulky to be honest, so he releases three extra badly chroma-keyed seemingly two dimensional magic levitating camcorders.
Simon opens his walkman (if only he'd been listening to Spandau Ballet) but, surprise surprise, it's a multi-funtion spy tool! (a bit like Timothy Dalton, then).
Anyway, inside there is a little control panel and an illuminated display that says “HELICOPTER”. Simon pushes a big red button, that should never ever be pressed, we see footage from the pre-credit sequence of the movie of a helicopter exploding near the north pole. Why Simon needs to be at the Eiffel Tower in order to blow stuff up at the north pole isn't fully explored within the confines of the video's narrative structure.
Roger, meanwhile, has got a bloody enormous telephone or an unfeasably small head. He talks into it and gets through to Simon.
Nick is taking photographs of hot-bird. "Look over your shoulder...", he's such a pro is our Nick, "that looks great", amazing.
Simon uses his Sony Spyman to blow up an airship that's floating adjacent to the golden Gate Bridge in San Fransisco. Again, quite why Simon needs to be at the Eiffel Tower in order to blow stuff up in north America isn't fully explored within the confines of the video's narrative structure. It does kind of give away what happens at the end of the fucking film though. Curse Duran Duran and their spoilers.
Roger picks up his giant phone and gets through to Nick, who then starts covertly (well, I say covertly, I mean, look at him) photographing John.
John inserts money into the telescope and a sodding gun barrel emerges from the aperture, now I think, from a health and safety aspect, that is just plain dangerous. What if a child had put the money in first? Eh? Carnage.
Anyway, he spins it around and starts shooting as RogerMortis and Grace Hartyslapper. None of the tourists seem to notice, though and John only manages to shoot down one of the badly chroma-keyed seemingly two dimensional magic levitating camcorders. Still, he looks chirpy about it.
Nick takes a photo of Andy. Now those of us who have read Andy's autobiography ("Wild Boy") will know that Nick and Andy didn't have the smoothest of relationships. Some of that animosity was played out in a sort of therpeutic tableu which saw Andy apparently playing his accordion, which turns out to be an evil spy's accordion with a big red button which must never ever be pressed. Andy presses this big red button which must never ever be pressed, Nick screams. His camera explodes, Nick is no more. Lucky his hair didn't catch fire or else half of Paris would have gone up.
Now it's Andy's turn to look happy. Must have been quite therapeutic. Andy packs up his assassin's accordion and wanders off. Just like he did in real life, soon afterwards.
Anyway, the song is over but there is the dénouement. Another fit-bird walks up to Simon and says “Excuse me. Aren’t you..?” Simon says, “Bon. Simon Le Bon.”
But she jostled him a bit and as Simon glances down at his Sony Spyman he sees that it’s now flashing “EIFFEL TOWER.” He grows alarmed (or is it quizzical, or consipated, or anally probed by one of Roger's badly chroma-keyed seemingly two dimensional magic levitating camcorders, I can't tell), there's no need to panic, no need to cry, the camera pans back to a postcard stand in front of the real Eiffel Tower, and a postcard explodes.
It is awesome, but I don't believe that Andy Taylor was really playing that accordion. It wasn't even plugged in.
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