Occulomency

Looking for the TV sound.

Today, I shall continue with my series of philosophical critiques of Duran Duran music videos from the early 1980s with their very first one. Planet Earth.

 

Remember?

Course you do. 

Now, I know that on the face of it, this video isn't as funny as "A View to a Kill" or as ridiculous as "Girls on Film", but bare with me, it has it's golden moments. I'm trying not to do all the really wacky ones in one go, but there is still plenty to say about their first outing into melding the world of video with the world of popular music.

At this stage, they still hadn't fully succumbed to the Duran Duran paradox (in 1982, they wanted to be a serious rock band, but all their fans were 13, by 2002 they were a serious rock group, but they had 13 fans...)

Predictably, there are a couple of versions of this video, but I'm dealing with the more common Russell Mulcahy one here.

Let's drop into wikipedia for a moment so I can tell you a bit about Russell.

Ahem:

"Mulcahy made successful music videos for several noted British pop acts—his early UK credits included XTC's "Making Plans For Nigel" (1979), The Vapors' hit "Turning Japanese" and his landmark video for The Buggles' "Video Killed The Radio Star" (1979) which became the first music video played on MTV in 1981.
By the mid-1980s Mulcahy was one of the most sought-after video makers in the world, directing videos for some of the most successful pop-rock acts of the period including The Human League, The Tubes, Elton John, Ultravox, most of the major hits of Duran Duran, Spandau Ballet, Kim Carnes, Bonnie Tyler, Rod Stewart, Billy Joel, The Motels, Supertramp and The Rolling Stones."

 
This must have been one of his more budget ones.

Right so.

We open with a shirtless Roger Taylor. Roger is the drummer, but is not the same Roger Taylor who is the drummer in Queen. That is an entirely different Roger Taylor.

They look different, d'you see?

Now Roger seems to have become trapped in some form of cloudy-icy vortex thing. Not sure why, I'll make a note to answer that question later.

He's not looking that happy to be there though, although perhaps he's just practicing being the moody silent one before he can go off and start that Paris based catering/spy outfit he's got going on in the View to a Kill video.

Ah well, moving on.

We go to an impressive (!) wide shot of the band, seemingly performing in a big iceberg, possibly the one that sank the Titanic, but that's not made clear. Actually it could be Superman's Fortress of Solitude, Kerry Katona's fridge or Pete Doherty's para-nasal sinuses, again, it's not made clear and it probably isn't important.

We get close-in shots of all the band in turn, starting with Simon Le Bon.

Now I'm not the worlds most fashionable bloke. I'm writing a blog about Duran Duran videos, for a start (it worries me how many people read this, it really does), and I'm wearing a tee-shirt baring the image of Sweep (from Sooty and) dressed as Che Guevara, but even I can see that Simon's outfit is a bit odd.

He has a frilly shirt (I approve), but not the frilliest, no siree-bob! No way near the frilliest. He also is wearing fucking massive jodphurs. Tied with a scarfy thing, so awesomeness abounds here, right down to that ropey thing round his neck. No head-bands though, which is a shame. I always feel slightly cheated when I watch a Duran Duran video and there's no headbands.

John is wearing a pretty cool suit and is yet to move into his weird sashy phase.

Roger is playing the drums, having presumably teleported from the cloudy-vortexy place - remember Roger, with great power comes great responsibility, only use your magical powers of instantaneous relocation for good.

Andy is blonde and wearing red trousers and a very very frilly shirt. He probably looks at his best in this video, platinum blonde, angry, pale and chiselled. Short though, but that's not his fault. Out of all of them, he looks like the musician, however not a musician who can play the accordion. I'm beginning to seriously doubt his abilities in this regard.

Nick is playing a nice Prophet 5 keyboard.

He is also wearing a shirt which is the frilliest shirt ever recorded in human history. It's the apex, the acme the very Taj Mahal of frills.  It is immensely silly. But then the camera tracks up and you get to see his hair. Hmmmm... Again, I don't have much scope to criticize haircuts, but this one is special.

His hair is sort of pinkish-gingery blonde and would appear to have been styled by means of a van de graff generator. Then crimped. Really, Nick. Really.

Anyway, next we get Simon lying on his side, singing, showing his armpits and having strange stencilly type shapes superimposed over the picture for some reason.

Then we get Simon being gripped by a worried looking blonde lady from 1943. Not sure why, We'll come back to that one later as well.

After some band montages, we go back to Simon, supine, hands raised above his head and apparently repelling water using the power of mind bullets (that's telekinesis to you, chummy). Neat trick, once again proving that Duran Duran don't need none of your fancy physics, Brian Cox.

Mind you, if Simon can repel water in such an efficient manner, it makes you wonder why he made such a fuss when he overturned that yacht of his.

For some reason, again, I'm not sure why, you get shots directly up Roger's nose and Simon descending into a ring of fire.

You also get occasional shots of him covering his ears and screaming, which is odd becasue Kajagoogoo were a year or two off their first single release.

Whilst all this is going on, you get little factoids running across the bottom of the screen. Not shit factoids like Steve Wright does on his afternoon show on Radio 2. Proper interesting factoids. Why are they factoids? Aren't they just facts? I'm never using the word factoids again and I apologise for bringing it up. I won't edit it out of this post thought, just to prove I'm still keeping it real. Word. Innit blood. (I'm 43).

More band montage, but with numbers superimposed on the screen and mask lighting like Morticia Addams in Addams Family Values. Great film that. The production designer was Ken Adam who did the early Bonds. German fellow, but flew for the RAF in the Second World War. Brave man, would have been executed as a traitor if he'd been shot down. Sorry to digress, but Ken Adam is an amazing man.

So, whilst John and Simon stand like a pair of slightly over made up fashionistas, two goths start dancing. Not sure why, I'll come back to that later.

Even John seems bewildered, he notices the two goths at one point and turns to view the spectacle. He shouldn't have turned his back though, he's missing more facts. Facts such as “1,003.5 MEN ON EARTH FOR EVERY 1,000 WOMEN,” and “THE OLDEST KNOWN SONG IS THE SHADUF CHANT.” 

What is the 'Shaduf Chant'? Back to wikipedia...

Ahem:

"The shaduf consists of an upright frame on which is suspended a long pole or branch, at a distance of about one-fifth of its length from one end. At the long end of this pole hangs a bucket, skin bag, or bitumen-coated reed basket. The bucket can be made in many different styles, sometimes having an uneven base or a part at the top of the skin that can be untied. This allows the water to be immediately distributed rather than manually emptied. while the short end carries a weight (clay, stone, or similar) which serves as the counterpoise of a lever. When correctly balanced, the counterweight will support a half-filled bucket, so some effort is used to pull an empty bucket down to the water, but only the same effort is needed to lift a full bucket.With an almost effortless swinging and lifting motion, the waterproof vessel is used to scoop up and carry water from one body of water (typically, a river or pond) to another. At the end of each movement, the water is emptied out into runnels that convey the water along irrigation ditches in the required direction."

So I assume the Shaduf Chant is a song to sing whilst Shaduffing the night away.

Nice.

Anyway, by the end of the video, even Simon seems to have had enough and leaps from the white stagey plinthy ice platform thing into the chasm below. Or into Kerry Katona's salad compartment (not a euphemism), or Pete Doherty's left nostril. Not sure which.

Anyway, a solid first video outing for the boys, with a taster for the insanity to come.

Share and Enjoy.

Unanswered questions arising from today's blog:

Q: Why has Roger become trapped in some form of cloudy-icy vortex thing?

A: No idea.

Q: Why is Simon being gripped by a worried looking blonde lady from 1943?

A: No idea.

Q: What the hell are those goths doing?

A: No idea.

Two Minutes Later

Here we go again, @JamieVJB. Over the last 30 odd years I've spent quite some time watching Duran Duran videos, but one always seems to get watched more than the others. Not that I'm shallow or anything, but for purely artistic reasons, Girls on Film seems to sneak it's way onto my television, laptop, PC, iPhone, iPad and into my waking and nocturnal dreams more than any of their other video clips.

Why should this be? Well, today, ladies and gentleman, I shall delve into the depths of why the video from 
Girls on Film is not actually a tacky, sleazy and cynical attempt to sell records to pubescent teenagers and sleazy old men, but actually a piece of high art which stands as beacon of civilization in an otherwise savage world.

Now, there are about five versions of this video, but I'm going to concentrate on the one with all the rude 
bits left in. 

First we should probably look at the background to the video. Duran Duran released Planet Earth, which did 
well. Then they released Careless Memories, which did not (I'll get round to these videos later). So, they 
needed to make an impact with their third single.

Enter stage left:

Kevin Godley and Lol Creme (ex of 10CC). They decided to make a music video that dealt with the exploitation 
of women in the fashion industry, which I'm sure the Band went along with as I'm pretty sure Simon Le Bon 
didn't think there had been nearly enough exploitation of women in the fashion industry.

I can't embed the video for Girls on Film, but you should you doubt my powers of descriptive writing, you may watch it by clicking on this link.

So the video starts with a few montage shots of construction workers building a stage and a catwalk, loading cameras, positioning lights and generally doing manly things. You know, like Jamie and Adam do in Mythbusters, but with the added bonus of us getting to see some bare ladies later on in the show.

There is one somewhat incongruous shot of a bloke apparently spray-painting a ring with a can Halfords car touch up paint (probably Vauxhall 'Star Silver' car spray paint, compatible with Vauxhall manufacturer's codes: 88L, 88U, 138, but I'm only guessing).

Sort of inter-cut with this manly section is the bit where we see the band and the models getting ready. This isn't so manly. Frankly, this bit is a bit pointless, no bare ladies. There is a brilliant moment however when Nick uses a a comb disguised as a flick-knife to do his hair. Now, I don't have a problem with this as such, but he is wearing so much hairspray, there is no way in hell he is going to get a comb through his perfectly coiffured black and red back-combed bob.

Believe me, back in the day, I tried (with my own hair, not Nick's, that would be weird).

Now, Andy does get a bit of a look in on this video, but not much of one. He is seen in his final platinum 
blonde outing, before he his hair went off the rails somewhat.

John gets more makeup, Simon gets a head-band (so does Nick) and Roger gets to look like he'd rather be about six billion miles away from actually having to appear in a pop video.

I want you to imagine the video as a sort of play, made up of distinct acts, each exploring a different way in which the fashion industry and media exploit women. It's a deep and meaningful artistic construct, which aims to educate, inform and entertain the audience using an almost Hegelian philosophical principle that out of a thesis and its opposed antithesis comes the hardy alloy of a synthesis has a seductive power.

Act One:

Pillow Talk

Two ladies, dressed in very see-through night attire are seen, with their hair in curlers getting made up and then proceeding hand in hand down the catwalk. Lots of camera flash bulbs are going off as enter the stage 
area where we see a long striped, horizontal Barber's pole, supported by trestles and covered in shaving cream.

Straddling the aforementioned pole, starting from opposing ends, the girls slide towards the centre and then embrace. This symbolises something, obviously, but I can't quite work out what.

Anyway, gosh, it's getting warm in here...

Sorry, I digress. A very smart young man provides each lady with a pillow, which is nice, wouldn't want them to get uncomfortable, would we? They are very playful ladies, so they have a nice ladylike pillow fight. They do seem to be enjoying it rather a lot, but it does get a little rough and, oh, no! Wardrobe malfunction!

That's the last thing the band would want to see happen. This is terrible.

Then the pillows burst, feathers everywhere, so the girls call the match a draw and share a lovely kiss and wander off backstage (the shot of them doing walking away from the camera, smeared in shaving cream, is in no way sleazy) to cuddle a bit more and pour champagne over each others shirt potatoes.

What is tacky about that? Eh?
Nothing, that's what.
It's art, I tell you, ART. 

Act Two:

Sumo!

A very nice lady, who happens to be wearing one of those things sumo wrestlers wear, but coupled with a 
delightful (although largely transparent) top has a short bought with a very large gentleman, similarly 
attired as a sumo wrestler (without the top, though).
This result of this match should be a foregone conclusion, but impressively, Godley & Creme subvert the viewers expectations and the nice lady executes a Matsuko-Pile manaeuver, forcing the giant sumo onto his back, causing his defeat. She honours her vanquished foe and walks backstage.

Not sleazy or tacky.

It's art, I tell you, ART. ART!

Act Three:

Massage in a bottle.

A professional lady (not that sort, this is not a sleazy video, it is art remember) dressed in a clean, white nurses outfit (with white stockings) approaches the nice Sumo Wrestler gentleman who is awaiting a rub-down after his exertions from the previous act.

She straddles him and gives him a most thorough going over with baby-oil. There is the occasional flash gun going off again, lots of steam and lots and lots of rubbing. Lots of it. And lots of slippery baby oil.

Sorry, got carried away there.

When she's finished massaging the gentleman, she wanders off backstage, satisfied with a job well done. The gentleman lies unconscious on the massage table.

This symbolises... erm.... girl power? Or something.... Anyway, it's art for art's sake. Isn't it?

Act Four:

Ride on Time

A blond lady, dressed in a strange white Annie Oakley costume mounts a muscular black gentleman who's wearing
a horse mask and a thong.

There is a lot of prancing about and a strange wash-down at the end.

All you can say is, times have changed.

But it's all in the name of art, so it's OK. Right?

Act Five:

Baywatch.

A nice lady decides to have a little paddle, wearing a one piece swimming costume and high heels, in a child's paddling pool. 

This is potentially a health and safety nightmare waiting to happen, but fortunately she has taken the 
precaution of choosing a child's paddling pool with a lifeguard (wearing mirrored aviator sunglasses).

Anyway, she slips and falls backwards into the pool, apparently drowning. The lifeguard comes to her rescue, and administers mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Happily for all this intervention works,demonstrating the value of first aid knowledge. The lady in question 
is overcome with gratitude and rewards the lifeguard with a full-on snog-a-thon.

The lifeguard feels quite tired after this and has a lie down in the paddling pool.

Quirky and very artistic. This is art, after all. Art.

Intermission

We now come to a sort of interval where we see the backstage area. Now, this bit is special, so concentrate.

That nice lady was obviously a bit tired and moist after snogging that nice lifeguard man, so she took off
her swim-suit and dried herself off with a hair dryer. Nothing wrong with that, but she did find that pitfall in naked hair-dryer antics, which is, of course, nippular overheating (to use the technical term).

Fortunately for all, she know the cure for that particular ailment and sets it all straight by applying an ice-cube to the effected areola.

Top safety tips and art from Duran Duran then. Winning!

The Final Act:

Mudd's Women.

That nice lady from the paddling pool with the hot nipples, sorry, I meant overheated areola, I do apologise, slip of the nipple, tongue, I meant tongue.

Start again.            

The lady from the paddling pool has cooled down now and fancies a spot of mud wrestling with her chum. Now 
she doesn't want to get her clothes dirty so she decides to mud wrestle topless, wearing a transparent PVC G-string. The blond lady is a little less bothered by the thought of cleaning her clothes, and so wears a nice swimsuit. Perhaps she uses Persil.

Well these ladies have a lovely time wrestling in the mud.

A lovely, lovely time.

It's not creepy...

Art. It's art. Yes... very artistic, mud wrestling, ladies. Bare ladies....

Sorry, where was I?

Well, the nice lady in the PVC thong won. So she needed to be hosed down. So the nice man who provided the 
ladies with pillows in Act one is on hand to help her get all squeaky clean.

Charming.

Artistic and charming.

So, for this video I think we need to look beyond the tawdry tinsel of the glitzy, spangled world of high 
fashion, and look at the message beneath. Art has not always been what we think it is today. An object regarded as Art today may not have been perceived as such when it was first made, nor was the person who made it necessarily regarded as an artist or even artisan. Both the notion of "art" and the idea of the "artist" are relatively modern terms.

Many of the objects we identify as art today -- Greek painted pottery, medieval manuscript illuminations, and so on -- were made in times and places when people had no concept of "art" as we understand the term. These objects may have been appreciated in various ways and often admired, but not as "art" in the current sense. Art,  lacks a satisfactory definition. It is easier to describe it as the way something is done

"the use of skill and imagination in the creation of aesthetic objects, environments, or experiences that can be shared with others"

So that proves it, It's bloody Art you philistines.

As a coda to this review, I'd like to point out that Simon Le Bon commented in an interview that the scandal of the music video overshadowed the song's message of fashion model exploitation.

Yeah, right-on Simon.

No sign of any latent accordion skills from Andy though.

By the way,  there was another version of the video. At the very end the band hold up a banner that says “Some People Will Do Anything To Sell Records"

Now I've fitted a replacement receiver for my garage door opener, how many minutes will it take me to find the original one we lost 3 months ago?

Can Andy Taylor play the Accordion?

Ok @JamieVJB, you've asked for this.

Back in May 1985, I was young, just doing my O'levels in fact. Duran Duran were doing the James Bond theme for what would turn out to be a rather saggy and jowelled RogerMortis' last outing as the sexist, misogynistic dinosaur we all love.

 Duran Duran and Bond, what could be cooler? Eh?

Well, nothing. Or so we thought, afterall Duran Duran did good videos. A bit odd, sometimes, but good. Mainly. Well, I say good. I mean patchy.

Many Duran videos are obviously products of their time and have stood the test well. Obviously The Chauffeur and Girls on Film spring to mind as classics (naked ladies.... naked ladies dancing and mud-wrestling... with ice-cubes....) but Rio, Careless Memories and even The Reflex have lasted well. They look old but not dated.

Try watching the video clip for A View to a Kill. It looks dated, which is a shame because the idea is good, the execution, however, not so much.

Directed by Godley and Creme, the video features the former wild boys as some sort of secret agent types who are having a scrap around the Eiffel Tower with scenes from the movie interwoven seamlessly to form a cohesive plot-line for the clip. I mean, how hard can it be to make that awesome? I'll come back to that later.

OK, so my problems with the video start near the beginning of the piece. Roger (drummer) is sitting in the driver's seat of a van. This van is displaying the sign of a catering company called“Chez Tayloire”. This is really clever because Roger's surname is Taylor (there are two more Taylors, but I'll get to them later). Anyway, Roger has parked his van (apparently illegally) on the street in front of the Eiffel Tower. Roger uses a Star Trek style transporter to move himself into the back of the van.

Or maybe Roger can apparate (read Harry Potter, FFS), anyway the crux of the matter is, Roger does not need to do humdrum things like opening van doors or walking, he teleports himself. 

Lesson number one: Duran Duran are beyond physics. 
Roger has kitted his van out with a super computer spy den thing with a massice telephone. It's a bit like the TARDIS, circa Colin Baker, but with a massive telephone. It's not great but the lights do wonders for his cheekbones. Roger was the shy one, so he got to sit in the van. No wonder he upped sticks and left soon afterwards.

Roger launches a badly chroma-keyed seemingly two dimensional magic levitating camcorder which he uses to look at the secret agentish  mayhem he is orchestrating.

Simon Le Bon is leaning up against some railings on the Eiffel Tower. He is dressed as a twat. Sorry, he is wearing a beret, stripy tee-shirt, a big trench-coat with the collar turned up and is listening to a walkman. Awesome, Simon, awesome.

Andy Taylor is wearing dark glasses, is dressed entirely in black and is using a white cane, for he is BLIND EVERYBODY! 
This may explain his hair. I know I'm not one to talk, I regularly have committed crimes against hair-styling, but Andy's hair is unbelievable.

Imagine Bellatrix LeStrange (just watch Harry Potter FFS) after being doused in a vat of Harmony Hairspray and then connected to the national grid.

He's also got a big box (careful now).

Andy looks over to:-

Nick Rhodes, who, being into photography in real life, is stretching himself artistically and taking photographs of a gorgeous bird. He was always my favourite, but not even I copied his hair from this video. 

Next we get John Taylor, the bass player whose real name is Nigel. Remember this, his name is Nigel Taylor. Anyways, John (he's so much cooler than we are) is hanging around the telescope thingies on the top deck of the tower. He's watching scenes from the movie from it (you know, the bit with RogerMortis and Grace HartySlapper shooting at each other).

Cut to Roger, who is looking a bit sulky to be honest, so he releases three extra badly chroma-keyed seemingly two dimensional magic levitating camcorders.

Simon opens his walkman (if only he'd been listening to Spandau Ballet) but, surprise surprise, it's a multi-funtion spy tool! (a bit like Timothy Dalton, then). 

Anyway, inside there is a little control panel and an illuminated display that says “HELICOPTER”. Simon pushes a big red button, that should never ever be pressed, we see footage from the pre-credit sequence of the movie of a helicopter exploding near the north pole. Why Simon needs to be at the Eiffel Tower in order to blow stuff up at the north pole isn't fully explored within the confines of the video's narrative structure.

Roger, meanwhile, has got a bloody enormous telephone or an unfeasably small head. He talks into it and gets through to Simon. 

Nick is taking photographs of hot-bird. "Look over your shoulder...", he's such a pro is our Nick, "that looks great", amazing.

Simon uses his Sony Spyman to blow up an airship that's floating adjacent to the golden Gate Bridge in San Fransisco. Again, quite why Simon needs to be at the Eiffel Tower in order to blow stuff up in north America isn't fully explored within the confines of the video's narrative structure. It does kind of give away what happens at the end of the fucking film though. Curse Duran Duran and their spoilers.

Roger picks up his giant phone and gets through to Nick, who then starts covertly (well, I say covertly, I mean, look at him) photographing John. 

John inserts money into the telescope and a sodding gun barrel emerges from the aperture, now I think, from a health and safety aspect, that is just plain dangerous. What if a child had put the money in first? Eh? Carnage.

Anyway, he spins it around and starts shooting as RogerMortis and Grace Hartyslapper. None of the tourists seem to notice, though and John only manages to shoot down one of the badly chroma-keyed seemingly two dimensional magic levitating camcorders. Still, he looks chirpy about it.

Nick takes a photo of Andy. Now those of us who have read Andy's autobiography ("Wild Boy") will know that Nick and Andy didn't have the smoothest of relationships. Some of that animosity was played out in a sort of therpeutic tableu which saw Andy apparently playing his accordion, which turns out to be an evil spy's accordion with a big red button which must never ever be pressed. Andy presses this big red button which must never ever be pressed, Nick screams. His camera explodes, Nick is no more. Lucky his hair didn't catch fire or else half of Paris would have gone up.

Now it's Andy's turn to look happy. Must have been quite therapeutic. Andy packs up his assassin's accordion and wanders off. Just like he did in real life, soon afterwards.

Anyway, the song is over but there is the dénouement. Another fit-bird walks up to Simon and says “Excuse me. Aren’t you..?”  Simon says, “Bon. Simon Le Bon.”

But she jostled him a bit and as Simon glances down at his Sony Spyman he sees that it’s now flashing “EIFFEL TOWER.” He grows alarmed (or is it quizzical, or consipated, or anally probed by one of Roger's badly chroma-keyed seemingly two dimensional magic levitating camcorders, I can't tell), there's no need to panic, no need to cry, the camera pans back to a postcard stand in front of the real Eiffel Tower, and a postcard explodes.

It is awesome, but I don't believe that Andy Taylor was really playing that accordion. It wasn't even plugged in.

I Don't Understand Milk Jugs.

I'm watching Bullett (Steve McQueen being cooler than you) the other evening, and there was a little scene involving a lady pouring milk, from a milk jug, onto her breakfast repaste.

She must have poured the milk from the container in which it was purchased into the milk jug which seems like an uneccesary middle step to me.

It's just adding more washing up isn't it? Does anyone still even use a milk jug? It's not like the olden days when you bought milk directly from the churn and so needed a bespoke milk containing solution.

I don't get it.

Although, I'd really like this one.

Lalo Schifrin does a bloody amazing soundtrack though, doesn't he?

An Imperial March? (Lady Bracknell)

First read this post on @papaver's blog. Actually, as a rule of thumb, you should always do that anyway. I often think that it must be nice to actually have a sense of direction in one's writings, not constantly going off on tangents and just writing down any old crap that comes into one's mind.

In fairness, I only write this stuff down as markers in my own life, so I can look back and see roughly what was going on.

I digress.

Star Wars. Yes, Papaver is correct I (the younger brother in question) am quite a fan of Star Wars, but always with caveats. I have recently rewatched the six films (sextology?) with my young children, which does change one's perceptions of the series as a whole and the individual films themselves, slightly.

OK, so I think that we can all agree that Episode IV (A New Hope) is the best film, not just from a nostalgia point of view but because it is the only one that's a self-contained entity. C3P0 is considerably less annoying in this film than in any other.

Next in the line of goodness is Episode V (Empire Strikes Back), but it is a bit miserable. Plus it has that bit in the middle where Luke goes into the evil tree. Why did they do that? It makes no bloody sense and totally kills the pace of the film. C3P0 gets blown up though, so that's a bonus.

Then we come to Return of the Jedi (Episode VI). Not as good as the other two, particularly in the special edition format.  Film Threat does a better job here on explaining it's failings than I ever could, although it is a little harsh. He does go a bit easy on C3P0.

Next in my descending list of goodness comes Episode II (Attack of the Clones). It's pretty good, apart from C3P0.

Arriving at Episode II (Revenge of the Sith), it was going fine (apart from C3P0) until "Nooooooooooo".

Finally Episode I (The Phantom Menace). All I can say is Jar Jar, Midiclorians, C3P0 and Jake Lloyd.

So, what can we deduce from the above. That's right. Star Wars would be much better if C3P0 had been less shit. Why people complain about Jar Jar Binks when C3P0 is infinitely worse.

The Cook, the thief, his onions and some cheddar...

Occulomency's Top Tip for Tuesday.

Supermarkets, reduce losses caused by shoplifting by banning third-rate TV celebrity chefs from using self-service checkouts.

I thank you.....

 

 

International Date Line

We all know what that is? Yes?

The imaginary line on the surface of the Earth, running between the north and south poles, that demarcates one calendar day from the next. It passes through the middle of the Pacific Ocean, roughly along the 180° longitude, opposite the Prime Meridian, but it is drawn with diversions to pass around some territories and island groups.

So a traveler crossing the IDL eastbound subtracts one day, or 24 hours, so that the the calendar date to the west of the line is repeated. Crossing the IDL westbound results in 24 hours being added, advancing the calendar date by one day. The line is necessary in order to have a fixed, albeit arbitrary, boundary on the globe where the calendar date advances in the westbound direction.

That's what you think is it?

No. You are wrong. Today I have learned that the International Date Line is:

"... a snare of Satan brought in by his own agents to confuse minds."

And who beleives this?

Why it's our old friend, Ellen G. Wright, one of the founders of Seventh Day Adventism.

I'd say you can't make this crap up, but she did.

What 'C' am I?

I've just found out that Kenny Roger's Coward of the County, a charming country & western ballard which has as it's central plot-line a gang rape, made it to the number one slot in the UK in 1980.

How the hell did that happen? Was 1980 just a really bloody awful year in music?

I'll go down the list of number ones to find out, hang on...

Ah... I see the problem.

• Pretenders Brass in Pocket 19/01/1980 - Bloody good song, nothing controversial there. Still plays well after all these years.
• The Special A.K.A. feat. Rico The Special A.K.A. Live! 02/02/1980 - Bloody classic, amazing start to the decade, first The Pretenders, then this (it features too much, too young), awesomeness abounds.
• Kenny Rogers Coward of the County 16/02/1980 - Oh dear, gang rape and C&W.
• Blondie Atomic 01/03/1980 - Hmm, not as good as her earlier stuff, but still a bit good.
• Fern Kinney Together We Are Beautiful 15/03/1980 - Oh Christ. Squeaky pap.
• The Jam Going Underground/"Dreams of Children" 22/03/1980 - OK, back to some quality stuff now.
• Detroit Spinners Working My Way Back to You – Forgive Me Girl 12/04/1980 - Only purchased by the old and insane, moving on.
• Blondie Call Me 26/04/1980 - OK, pretty good, like it.
• Dexy's Midnight Runners Geno 03/05/1980 - Ah, now we are talking. Great stuff.
• Johnny Logan What's Another Year 17/05/1980 - Fuck. Irish Eurovision domination starts with this drivel.
• M*A*S*H Theme from M*A*S*H (Suicide is Painless) 31/05/1980 -  Sweet Jesus. Maudlin crap.
• Don McLean Crying 21/06/1980 - Was it a depressing summer? Maudlin crap.
• Olivia Newton-John and the Electric Light Orchestra Xanadu 12/07/1980 - Only good if you are a fan of irony overload. I am, so I like it,
• Odyssey Use It Up and Wear It Out 26/07/1980 - Nope, no clue.
• ABBA The Winner Takes It All 09/08/1980 - Boohoo, they all slept with each other's partners and then wrote songs about the legal wranglings that followed.
• David Bowie Ashes to Ashes 23/08/1980 - Happy Birthday DDddzzzzavid. Beyond brilliant.
• The Jam Start! 06/09/1980 - Woohoo! Not as good as DDddzzzzavid, but still....
• Kelly Marie Feels Like I'm in Love 13/09/1980 - Syndrums, this song had syndrums. That is all.
• The Police Don't Stand So Close to Me 27/09/1980 - One for the Gary Glitter fans, young teacher, the subject of schoolgirl fantasy. I believe the subtext is that he succumbs. Another name for the register. Great song though.
• Barbra Streisand Woman in Love 25/10/1980 - Kill me.
• Blondie The Tide Is High 15/11/1980 - Not the best, but OK.
• ABBA Super Trouper 29/11/1980 - Not The Nine O'Clock News did it better.
• John Lennon (Just Like) Starting Over 20/12/1980 - Life begins at 40. Well, not for him, obviously.
• St Winifred's School Choir There's No-one Quite Like Grandma 27/12/1980 - Genuinely awful.

So from this list of 24 songs, we can see that there are roughly 7 good songs, 5 OK songs, 7 which were pretty dismal, 3 which were appalling and 2 were Kenny Rogers & The St Winifred's School Choir.

So I guess 1980 wasn't too bad. I shall compare and contrast with another year and report back.

Hello?

Songs or song videos which seemed appropriate at the time, but actually weren't.

#1 - Lionel Richie - Hello.

The song is fine, nothing particularly odd going on at all. The music video, however features the story of Richie's character (a slightly creepy performing arts teacher) stalking a blind art student.  Lionel spends the entire video following her around and singing “Hellooooo…. Is it me you’re looking for?” which is a little unkind if you think about it.

So Lionel stalks her for the entire video until  finally she succumbs to Stockholm Syndrome and sculpts a likeness of his head.

When teachers try stuff like that these days, they wind up in court.

(image from b3ta)