Occulomency

Can Nick Rhodes play the Pan Pipes?

What I can't understand is this: how come Russel Mulcahy can, during the same shoot that produce the unrelenting awfulness of 'Lonely in Your Nightmare', produce six minutes and six seconds of music video perfection such as 'Save A Prayer'?

We start on a beach with Simon walking (in slow motion) towards Nick. This is quite a Nick heavy video, he seems to have settled down nicely in Sri Lanka, following his shape-shifting shenanigans from the previous video. But his first appearance in this video prompts the question, can Nick Rhodes play the Pan Pipes?

We shall search for evidence that it wasn't actually Nick using the Roland Jupiter 8 syn-flute with a pitch bend.

Anyway, we've got sunsets, palm trees and moodily lit boats, what more could you want? How about a silhouette of John, leaning against a boat, fixing his perfectly coiffured hair?

Cue Simon, sitting alone on a bench, having just put down his book and weak lemon drink.  Now, has Simon's hair gone very dark here or has he just got out of the shower? I'm not sure, but we should keep an eye out for Simon's magical barnet. He's got his mournful look on today, he learnt that at drama school, he went to drama school you know. Happily, he is also wearing his tiger-baby (he likes it 'cos it's odd). I like consistency, it provides a sense of order amongst the chaos of our daily lives.

I do like that bench Simon's sitting on, it would look good on my patio. I wonder if John Lewis does them? Sorry, back to the video. His hair is definitely shorter and darker, isn't it?

Back to the tropical island paradise beach, palm trees, moodily lit Simon, being all mournful.  He's so sad, even the children are running into the sea to avoid him. Poor Simon, he's really not a happy bunny.

The rest of the band have turned up and are determined to take Simon's mind off what's troubling him with a day packed full of sightseeing activities. The children rejoice! They form a circle and start dancing around in joyous exhaltation for Andy, John, Nick and Roger will surely bring Simon out of his dark mood.

At this point, it's worth noting that there are some really beautifully photographed shots in this video, the style has been copied by many boy-bands since, so it looks almost cliched these days, but remember when Duran Duran did this travelogue style video, no one else had done anything remotely similar. One thing you might notice, however, is the eyelash that got stuck in the camera gate, there on the lower left hand egde of the image. It comes and goes does that eyelash.

Simon walks away from a boat, he is taunted by a disembodied apparition of John, pretending to sing backing vocals. Somehow I doubt that is going to cheer him up much. John also appears to be following Simon around strumming a guitar in that sort of 'I'm going to steal your girlfriend' type of way that John does so well. He is, however, seemingly dressed in pink linen, which seems courageous even for 1982.

Simon does't even bat a eye-lid, he's off to stare at some blokes who are partaking in some extreme pole-fishing. Livin' on the edge...

The band wander along the beach at sunset. It really does look very nice there, doesn't it? Practically idyllic, in fact. John strums away in an idyllic fashion, mocking Simon by mouthing along with the song. However, many of the Sri Lankans are clearly phoning it in, there is a fully crewed and rigged boat sitting on the sand going bloody no-where in a hurry.

Next, it appears that due to some inter-band spat that must have occurred the previous evening. Simon and Nick have been abandoned on a mountain-top ruin, and are being taunted by a helicopter which makes several practice strafing runs and then flies off. I bet Nick was delighted with that, I wonder who came up with that idea (looks at Andy for signs of amusement/guilt).

Back to the fishing! Not the most telegenic sport, is it?

Hold on one cotton-picking minute, Simon's in that model's cobra infested hotel room from the last video! But she's not in bed writhing in the throes of a nightmare this time, she's not bloody there. Nice shutters.

He's now to be found having a little bit of a bop with her. That's nice, a little bop. Romantic but a little sad. Considering the subject of this song, I'd have thought they'd be a lot happier, but I guess sad is happy for deep people (I think I stole that concept from Sally Sparrow). She leaves, Simon does not follow her, this is a schoolboy error and not one that John would have made.

Cut to the rest of the band, in a jungle clearing, pretending to sing backing vocals while John strums in his nice hat. Why do bands do this? We know that John, Nick and Roger aren't singers and that it would appear Andy didn't feature as a backing vocalist on recordings, so why pretend in such a hackneyed way? It always looks shit when bands try this, always. The only thing that's worse is when bands dance to their own records on video in France (see New Moon on Monday & Election Day for evidence). Nick looks spectacularly uncomfortable and out of place in this shot. Nick Rhodes up a tree, I'm fairly sure this is the only time this ever happened and I'm sort of glad it's been captured for posterity. I bet Nick was delighted with that too, I wonder who came up with that idea (looks at Andy for further signs of amusement/guilt).

As an aside, Andy got seriously sick after ingesting water from this lagoon as it was somewhat contaminated with elephant piss. Andy's home cure of alternative non-tobacco based smoked infusion, extra hot chilli and Jack Daniels did not prevent him from being hospitalised on his return to the UK. From this story we can definitively reveal that Andy Taylor is a rock God.

Good to see Simon's stalking elephant is back with reinforcements though.

Andy's turn to strum now, while monks pass by in the distance. Not sure about the symbolism of the monks, but it's possible they just looked cool. Nearly as cool as the reclining Taylor we have in the foreground.

More pretend singing in front of the most amazing rock carving I have ever seen. It is also worth noting that, although it appears that Nick and Andy are normal human sized humans, John appears to have grown to epic proportions and now stand at over 26 feet tall. Or it could be the camera angle and the use of a very small aperture lens. Whichever, it is slightly disconcerting. Excellent on-beat finger clicking action from the Cullercoats guitarist though.

We now begin a series of long slow fades showing frolicking band members, large statues of The Bhudda, monks using sunshades and Simon's stalking elephant attempting to dislodge John and Nick by discharging water from it's trunk in their general direction. I would imagine this to be unpleasant, the water is unlikely to be clean and has been up an elephant's nose. If I discharged water from my nose at people, I would be arrested. Which is why I almost never do it, anymore.

Still, Nick and John look happy.

Back to the mountain top ruins. No rescue for Simon and Nick yet (I'm assuming this is another flashback, although this video is a bit thin on plot). More helicopter shots of temples and that sort of thing, all very pretty and making me want to visit Sri Lanka more and more. The temples look just like enormous boobies. Or is that just me projecting my desires again.

Now the band are coming together to provide moral support for Simon again. Andy is playing the guitar, but if you look carefully, his strumming and chord changes do not match this section of the song. What was Andy playing? Irrespective of whatever it was, they missed a golden opportunity to have him whip out his accordion and give us a quick blast of the Sailor's Hornpipe.

More mood shots of children approaching from a boat intercut with the band approaching a giant statue of The Bhudda, they look up in awed respect, and if I was standing there, I'd be pretty amazed too.

We then get a slow motion shot of John, wearing speedos, doing a proto-backflip in a swimming pool. Nice shoulder work John. Nice speedos.

A few flashback shots to Simon dancing, looking sad and then attempting to steal a child. John and Nick being snotted on by Simon's elephant friend, then a honey shot of the Band which fails to include Andy (although he is there in spirit, there's his guitar).

Fading to dark haired Simon on a bench, still looking mournful. The sightseeing trip idea didn't work then. But at least we got to see Nick up a tree, John covered in elephant snot and Andy being snubbed by Russell Mulcahy once again. Roger was in it too. Somewhere.

I'm not sure Nick can play the pan-pipes. They weren't even plugged in.

Next up - Rio!

 

26 Feb 2012

The Eagle has landed, repeat, the Eagle has landed.

What I found to be true-eeee-ooooo

Mr @JamieVJB set me on a new quest this morning.

A quest that may prove to be my undoing.

However, undaunted, I accepted the challenge and watched The Human League's Love Action (I believe in love) music video.

Now, don't get me wrong, The Human League are one of the very best bands out there, in terms of live performance. I never miss them when they tour, even once when I had such a severe bought of actual influenza (as opposed to man'flu), that I had to go and lie down in a fire exit for the middle third of the set.

They were still brilliant though, and I got better, so that proves Phil Oakey has magic healing powers.

Anyway, it's time to go in, shall we see what we have through... The Arched Window....

Oh look, Phil is standing next to a projector, whilst others seem to be getting ready for a wedding. Everyone looks very smart, there are candles, hats, vicars, an old lady who never appears again and nice red carnations. That should keep the gardeners in the audience happy.... Look a pretty flower... aaaahhhh.....

Phil is lit in a very moody atmospheric way, similar to either Simon & John from Duran's Planet Earth video, or to Angelica Houston's Morticia Addams.

Anyway, moving on, we have established that we are at a wedding and that Phil is at a cinema, seemingly working as a projectionist.

So, we have a bride (Joanne!) wearing considerably less make up than the groom, but still looking like some form of albino Dalek. Joanne was always my favourite.

Phil's left the cinema and gone along to the church. Poor Phil, no one's told him that this isn't a Shakin' Stevens themed  wedding after all, so he has come dressed inappropriately for the circumstance. And he's cross, so cross that he's doing some form of Marcel Marceau act up there on the balcony. That's right Phil, the glass becomes real through the power of mime. I'm getting the feeling it really isn't his day.

Mind you, there seem to be a couple of blokes who are pretending to be secret agents, listening to something on big headphones, watching a slide-show of a blonde lady (Susanne!), not sure where this is going, but I'm sure it's going somewhere. One of the blokes does look startlingly like Ron Weasley, perhaps that's a clue.

You do get a really cute sort of sideways glance and head bob thing from Joanne there though, nice work. She's my favourite. Nice Casio digital watch, Phil.

OK, Susanne is pissed off, she is chucking stuff around a flat. Ornaments, pictures, lamps, pretty much anything she can get her hands on. Presumably she wasn't invited to the wedding, and judging by this behaviour, I can see why.

Joanne looks great though, doesn't she?

OK, I'd better stop now, Phil's talking, he wants to tell me what he found to be true-eee-ooo.

Turns out that Phil, much like Channel 4 News, merely delivers an opinion piece to camera but tries to disguise it as evidence based, scientific fact.

Right, so Joanne is going round to Susanne's flat. Phil is watching from a safe distance, but still finding time to practice his Shakin' Stevens/Mime artiste mash-up. God like Phil.

Ron Weasley and the other bloke who looks like a geography teacher seem to be blocking someone's way though. Not sure why. I'm sure this will all be made clear in the end.

Ron has a gun, and is going into Susanne's flat. Probably a wise precaution as she seems particularly bat-crap crazy. If this was Simon Le Bon though, he'd have just made a pretend gun with his fingers and chucked around a bunch of tulips, but then again, he went to drama school did our Simon.

OK, Phil has joined Joanne, Ron and geography-teacher-man back at the cinema, they are looking at what seems to be a slide show of somebody shopping in Corby. Which is ridiculous as there is nothing worth buying in Corby. In fact, you should attempt to avoid Corby at all costs, nothing of interest lies therein.

Hang on, is that the Groom going to see Emanuelle? Dirty bogger. I knew he was wrong for Joanne, see, I did say. Pick me, Joanne, pick me! I'll look after you and build a special well shaped shrine for you in my basement... Sorry, got a bit carried away. Must apologise. Joanne's my favourite you see....

There are a lot of people entering and leaving the cinema, but it's dark so I can't see who they are or what they are doing. I'm really not sure what is going on here.

Hang on, that slide came to life. It's Susanne! RUN AWAY! Ron needs to get his gun out and pop a cap in her ass (I've been watching 'The Wire', can you tell, I'm a lot more street these days). Hang on, the Groom is here. He didn't even arrive on an elephant or anything. Just walked in, looking mopey. This is so not a Duran Duran video.

OK, Phil and Joanne are now sitting together, obviously a couple. They also got changed (Phil's wearing a suit), and there the video ends.

This video is like reading one of those condensed novels from The Readers Digest. You know, the one your mum has on her shelf but never reads (not my mum, obviously mother, I don't mean you, I know you are too clever...blah blah blah). The trouble is, it's too condensed. I was hoping for The Graduate, I got Grate. Which is ironic....

Did I mention that Joanne is my favourite? Nice.

Can I ask your reasons for selling it please?

Yep, I'm getting rid of stuff I don't want anymore on E-Bay. But those questions keep on coming.

I received the above after listing a large radio controlled car I've barely used.

Fair enough question, which I answered with more or less 'I don't use it and it takes up space I could use for Lego Star Wars'.

The same person got back to me with: 'How old is the car and how easy was it to get parts for it?'

Another fair question, no problems there at all. I said it was a couple of years old and if you Googled the model number you got hundreds of on-line resources where parts could be found.

But, then I got: 'Ok thank you I'll keep your car in mind but I am looking for a good hpi trophy truggy really'.

How does one respond to this?

I chose 'Wow, thanks.'

I'm getting more polite over the years, aren't I?

Your refuge turns you captive all the same

Remember I said I had trouble with My Own Way.

That's nothing, NOTHING I TELL YOU, compared to the trouble I've had with this one.

Lonely in Your Nightmare, one of the Rio album tracks that got the Russell Mulcahy treatment in Sri Lanka. But this one, I'm not so sure about. The video, in common with many Duran Duran videos, comes in more than one version. The 'original' and  the one that appear on the 1983 video singles release.

I'm torn as to which one to assassinate, sorry, I mean critique. On the one hand, if I follow the precedent I set with Careless Memories, I should do the original, but I'm not sure you'd thank me all that much as it is a bit, well, pants.

Actually, here's fun, lets do both. This could be tricky, and I don't want to set a dangerous precedent, New Moon on Monday has about five quite different versions (four of them involve Nick dancing - I'll be reviewing the fifth).

It's safe to say at this stage that neither version of this video is a fun filled hoot and a holler like previous Duran Duran videos. I can see why, it's a slower song, but prepare yourself mentally for this. It's going to be a long four minutes and fifty seconds.

Now, we'll start with the original version.

We start with an establishing shot of a nice pretty lady laying gently on her gossamer encased four-poster-bed. It's all very soft focus and romantic, she is clad in virginal white, she is softly turning in her sleep. I believe she is dreaming. Or is it a nightmare? Come on folks, lets find out.

Well if this material that is intercut with images of her softly turning in her sleep is to believed, she's dreaming of some form of folk dancing festival. Dancing children, folks with arrows piercing their cheeks, carnival style costumes, that sort of thing. Not sure why... (You know, if anyone ever writes a book critiquing Duran Duran videos of this era,  it should be called "not sure why....")

Anyway, some nice synchronised whip-action going on there, it's all good fun.

Back to lady softly gently sleeping in her slightly tossy-turny sort of way, this time in close up and seemingly slow motion, which is really unnecessary. Really. Something must be due to happen soon, surely?

Yes, she is now dreaming of the band members watching a display of folk dancing. Simon has his earnest face on and made such an impression on that elephant from the Hungry Like the Wolf video, that the elephant has followed him here. He is singing with earnestness (Simon, not the elephant). Next we get a nice honey-shot of Roger turning to speak to Nick who transforms into a strange ear-ringed Sri Lankan folk dancer in front of his eye. Roger doesn't seem surprised by this, but to me, it's the second strangest thing I've ever seen Nick do on video (wait 'til the Election Day video dance routine).  It is possible that this is Nick's true appearance of course and that he has been concealing his true appearance from us using magical powers. The mask slipped for a second due to him being startled by Simon's elephant stalker.

Anyway, now she's dreaming that Simon is singing to her at the folk dancing festival. She looks unimpressed, but she may not be able to hear him over the noise of the elephant.

More softly turning in bed type shots, and then we see her appearing in a white archway, dressed like Miss Haversham. Turns out, she's on a different island to Simon. More bed shots, more Simon singing earnestly, more soft focus, no elephants, no metamorphosing Nick, no Andy playing the accordion, no Roger teleporting, no John trying to snog Simon's girlfriend.

Simon walks across the water to the island in his nice white linen suit (ah, Simon and his magical water repelling skills). Miss Haversham has disappeared though. She's legged it through the market, only just avoiding being attacked by a cobra which appears in the hotel room adjacent to hers. I'd call hotel management if I was her, that's just sloppy housekeeping.

Simon has now broken in to her hotel room and is singing into her ear, earnestly. Wearing his Tiger Baby (he likes it 'cos it's odd).

Anyway, her dream seems to has perked up a bit due to Simon's seranade, she dreaming of happier times. Times she spent by the beach drowning native children. Honestly, Simon, I'd skip this one, she's is a nightmare, no wonder she's lonely.

Next we see some really poor quality, badly graded, under exposed shots of Simon singing, earnestly. We also get a shot of John wearing his red suit and string bow tie again, not sure why...

Simon starts nuzzling with Miss Haversham. She's staring out to sea, moodily, probably trying to work out how to chuck more children to the sharks. John is miming backing vocals, Miss Haversham is still in bed (someone please wake her up, for heaven's sakes), dreaming of being serenaded by Simon, who walks down what appears to be the launch strip for Thunderbird 2 (if anyone gets that reference, I'll be impressed).

And that's it for the original version. How could they improve on that classic? Well they tried and came up with this.

I've poured myself a Whisky (Glendronach - Muscatel finish - tastes like Creme Brûlée), I'm going in.

Immediately we see this is radically different, Simon has gone all moody and grey, mean and so restless. He picks up a photograph from a dusty floor, goes monochrome, and heads off up some long abandoned stairs with no banisters (health and safety alert!).

He goes to a long abandoned dressing table and finds some long abandoned polaroids. I know I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but I think the things we are about to see are flashbacks from Simon of a love affair that ended a long time ago, and judging by the rather strange expression on the girl's face, in a galaxy far, far away.

Moody stare out of a window from Simon, pay attention to the window, we are going to see a lot of moody staring out of it from all of the band in the next few minutes.

So Simon is looking at a lady walking down the street, she has awesome hair. I really like mad long curly hair, it's my thing, what can I say. She's also walking past an old Ford Fiesta, I think it may be an XR-2. They are also lovely. Sorry, I like cars too, cars and ladies with mad curly hair. And Duran Duran, obviously.

Sorry, got distracted.

Oh Christ, we are back in the cobra infested hotel room again.

Simon is not looking earnest in this version, he is looking wistful. He does wistful well, although we do appear to be heading perilously close to another of those close-up nostril shots which appears to be a Mulcahy speciality.

There's that arch on the island again! Miss Haversham is back! Simon walks on water, lady runs though 
a market, all is well with the world, but we get a bit of extra mood inserts from Simon. No elephant stalkers, though.

Hang on, what do we have here? We have Roger and Andy doing a spot of shopping at a market.But they see the lady with the awesome hair, roger recognises her and tries to prise Andy's attention away from the bargain spuds on offer. He manages, but alas, too late, he misses her. Please note Andy's exceptional fruit juggling skills in this short vignette.

Anyway, we are back to the folk dancing and synchronised whipping. Nice.

Ah! I get it, awesome haired woman is Miss Haversham. But dressed in black, with much better hair and a hat. I was worried, I thought Simon's elephant stalker had got really, really good as disguising itself. I worry a lot about stuff like this you know. I'm still considering claret trousers.

Anyway, she still likes drowning children, so I've gone off her a bit.

Cue John. John sits down in readiness to attempt to pull the lady he has ascertained to be Simon's girlfriend who is unable to find any children to drown, and so is apparently following Tom Lehrer's advice and is poisoning pigeons in the park (google it). She  disappears before he can make his opening gambit, he looks puzzled and disappointed and a hell of a lot more handsome than me or anyone I have ever met. Bastard.

We are now into badly photographed, badly graded, under exposed flashback footage. It drives me bananas this bit, I'm not sure if it's meant to be stylised or if it's badly executed day-for-night footage, but it looks horrid.

Lets gloss over this, I've said all that needs to be said about the Sri Lanka footage.

We move into honey-shot time. Nick first, but this time, they do a poor cut which disguises Nick's true appearance. Still, he does the smouldering look into the camera well. Good fringe work.

Next, we get Roger, good work from the shy one. Then John, he even does some ironic eyebrow work, awesome stuff. Then we get another flash of Nick who morphs into Andy, like that would ever happen.

Simon descends the stairs, the song is done.
 
Sadly, neither of these videos do the song justice.

This is also Duran Duran's first headband free video. I am gutted.

Never mind, next we get Save a Prayer, which has many of the same elements of this video, but somehow manages to be the exact polar opposite.

 

 

Straddle the line

It's time for Hungry like The Wolf. Not A wolf, you notice, THE wolf. Hopefully by the end of this dissection, we will be able to find out precisely whom this wolf is.

So, we begin with some establishing shots to let us know that Duran Duran aren't making videos in Simon's flat just outside Spondon anymore. No, they have gone on holiday to somewhere exotic. Sri Lanka, to be precise. They would film three videos there, this one, 'Save a Prayer' and 'Lonely in Your Nightmare'. I shall deal with each of these later.

The choice of Sri Lanka was, as far as I can make out, a product of the band wanting to make music videos in amazing locations with lots of hot models to get off with and Russell Mulcahy (the director) knowing that Sri Lanka was a dirt cheap place to make the mini-feature films he aspired to. In this video, Mulcahy provides us with a barking mad, but undeniably brilliant visual feast.

So, we get great cinematic shots of crowded streets, old ladies, cute children and, inexplicably, Nuns. This is the first and only time Nuns appear in a Duran Duran video, as far as I know (again, if I'm wrong, tell me and I'll be all contrite and issue an official apology through my lawyers). (aside: I won't)

Where were we? Nuns! Yes, but after the scene setting opening 12 seconds we get into the meat and potatoes of the story. We get Nick and Roger crossing a road. It says something about Nick that he can pull off wearing claret trousers. However, if go back and have a look at the Planet Earth video it would appear that Nick has borrowed Andy's trousers.

I'm almost tempted to buy claret trousers. Someone should stop me.

If you watched the quite brilliant Classic Albums show the BBC did on the making of the Rio album, you will know that Nick came straight from delivering the masters of Rio to EMI and was not exactly prepared for Sri Lanka. He arrived wearing a black leather suit, and had almost no suitable clothing with him at all. The description of the 7 hour journey from airport to hotel is hilarious. I get the feeling that Nick was not a happy bunny during the shoot for this video, and I think it shows.

Anyway, we have shots of John running, bare chested, across the road too. More Roger, dressed in white pyjamas, obviously looking for someone or something. Or, possibly running away from the nuns. Popstars are terrified of nuns, apparently.

Good news though, John is wearing a headband, so I know this is a real Duran Duran video, and not some cheap knock-off copy made by out of work actors on a trading estate just outside of the charming Northamptonshire town of Corby.

We also get the briefest glimpse of Andy. Andy and Nick don't really feature much in this video, which is a shame, but as I mentioned earlier, they were late arriving in Sri Lanka due to working on Rio.

We cut to the interior of a cafe. This is not like any cafe I have ever been to, this is the worlds best cafe, a Cafe of Dreams if you will. If I was making a list of what I wanted in a cafe, I would include snake charmers and monkey handlers (that sounds bad, doesn't it? I don't mean it like that, you have a smutty mind and you should be ashamed, yes you. I'm talking directly to you.), anyway, my point is, Starbucks should take note.

But who is eating in this Cafe of Dreams? Simon! Sitting there, inside, wearing a hat, sunglasses and safari suit. He has a half eaten plate of what looks like breakfast in front of him, but I'm thinking that the Cafe of Dreams doesn't have great service. They haven't cleared away his plate, there is no glass for his beer and no spoon for his coffee. Simon probably can't see this, however as he is, as I say, wearing sunglasses. He realises that no-one is serving him anymore so he becomes irritated and takes off his sunnies.

Just to break the flow here, concentrate on Simon's hair. There is something mighty odd happening in this video, mighty odd. His hair is brown here, right? OK, stick with the thought.

Hurrah! He's wearing the Tiger Baby (he likes it because it's odd).

Simon! Have you gone stark raving mad? I know the service has been a bit shitty, but just don't leave a tip or complain to the manager, don't up-end the bloody table man! That's just rude. You can't take Simon anywhere without him chucking tables or tulips about like a madman. Well, I would imaging the subset of madmen that upend tables and throw tulips about is fairly small. Well, probably just one person. Simon.

Mind you, the beer bottle has transformed into a wine bottle and two glasses and a spoon have magically appeared. I used to have a badge that said 'Duran Duran are MAGIC', but I'm beginning to think that was no empty claim. I wonder which Hogwarts House Simon was in.....

Now. Next shot, Simon's doing angry walking (lots of pointing and grimacing - he went to drama school did Simon) through a market. But look at his hair. IT'S GONE BLONDE. It's not just lighting, his hair is clearly a different colour. How the hell did that happen? What is going on? Is it important to the plot?

Moving on, Roger and John are driving about in a jeep, either searching for Simon or escaping from those pesky Nuns, not sure which, I'll get back to you on that one. There are cuts between Roger & John jogging and Simon angry walking.

Hang on. Hot model alert. Nice.

More blonde Simon, more hot model (but with quasi-tribal face paint).

A quick nod here to the editor, he does a really cool wipe here which involves a sort of page-turning effect and then the screen being torn open, seemingly by claws, which reveals the next scene beneath. It looks brilliant, even by todays standards.

Even better is Simon on a canoe. All hunched up and prowly. He can do more than one face, can our Simon. This one is his hunty-prowly one. I think he learned it at drama school. Also, his hair is brown again. Simon and his magic hair, I bet he was at Hogwarts with Nymphadora Tonks. That means it's entirely feasable that Simon was also a Hufflepuff. I think we all kind of guessed that already.

Next, in a quite strange scene, we see John and Roger accosting a small boy, who looks both bewildered and terrified, being shown a photograph and then shouted at by John. I wonder if the boy ever recovered after having a handbanded, bare-chested Brummie wearing pyjamas and esperdrills shouting at him and showing him polaroids of an angry man from Pinner?

Another cool edit later and we find yet another example of poor health and safety within that strange nether-world that Duran Duran inhabit. Simon on a rope bridge across a deep ravene. This was always going to end in tears, wasn't it? Simon regrets that last helping of pudding in the Cafe of Dreams when the bridge gives way beneath him. Poor Simon, can't do much for your self-esteem that sort of thing, can it?

We cut to Nick and Andy having a conversation, possibly about why they dressed Andy as if he had just come from his Saturday job at Dixons. For some reason, it's now night time.

The camera pans away from them to show that kid that got shouted at by John, having his revenge by nicking one of the tyres off John's jeep and rolling it off down the street.

Roger has noticed something, something interesting. Yes, mini-skirts.

Simon has found an elephant, or has an elephant found Simon... No need to decide that now and it's probably not important. It could be though. Maybe I should spend more time on it... No, I want to find out more about the miniskirts, they've left that hanging rather tantalisingly, and I find I cannot resist. Why has it goneback to daylight again? What is going on with the temporal continuity here? I'm confused.

Anyway, Simon sings to his new elephant chum. John gets off with one of the miniskirts, well, one of the inhabitants of a miniskirt, anyway. They don't develop the female characters well in these videos so don't blame me for being shallow.

Simon's fallen in the water. This is a first for a Duran Duran video, angry wading. I know I seem cruel, but Simon is doing this really very well, he's quite convincing as a hunty-prowly-cross adventurer. You compare his acting in this video to his acting in Careless Memories, light-years apart.

Roger, in the mean time is grabbed by the same lady who Simon is hunting, He snogs her, but as he looks into her eyes, she turns into a leopard. Now, just a thought here, but this song is not about leopards, it doesn't contain lyrics pertaining to leopards, or indeed any felines at all. So why, Mr Mulcahy, does she turn into a twatting leopard?

Kissing a leopard would also be an astonishingly bad idea. They are savage wild animals who eat rotting meat, so her breath must have been bloody awful. And she'd have chewed his face off.

Cut to Simon who has been rescued by a small boy, but not the one who nicked John's tyre, another one. This boy is mopping Simon's face with a damp dish-cloth before squeezing the thing out into his mouth. I'm pretty sure even Bear Grills wouldn't be keen on trying that trick, but then again, Bear Grills is obviously bat-crap crazy so you never know. Anyway, I'm sure Simon regretted that scene later on and for several hours.

Cut to Simon up to his old water repelling tricks again. Emerging from the murky river with impossibly dry and styled hair. Without wishing to bang on, how does he do this? Duran Duran are becomming a little sinister as this video progresses.

Simon is running through the jungle now, probably looking for the lavatory after the incident with the dish-cloth. But he's now being hunted by the tribal face paint lady, who is probably hungry again after munching on Roger's face.

Night-time! All of the boys are back together again, maybe this is a flashback. I wish Duran Duran would either put a little 'this is a flashback' sign up when they do this or just show the bloody story in the right bloody order.

Simon looks at the lady who got off with Roger, turned into a leopard, put on tribal face-paint and then started pursuing Simon in the jungle. She smiles, but does not turn into any form of wild animal, which is a shame because if she'd unexpectadly turned into a meerkat, it would have been quite funny. Sorry, I got lost in whimsy. Simon looks away, I'm not sure what he is trying to convey in his facial expression during this scene, but to my eyes, he looks like a clinically depressed welk.

I also am a little taken aback by John's outfit. It's that bloody string bow tie again, isn't it?

Daylight again! Simon and tribal-face-paint-hot-model/leopard girl obviously close to meeting up, racing about the foliage, looking intense. I wonder what will happen? What I didn't expect was a zoomed in shot directly up Simon's nose. I didn't expect it, and I didn't want it.

She bloody scratched him! The little minx... Oh I say... Ding dong..... etc.

Hang on, they are cutting between some rumbunctious fore-play in the jungle and Simon sitting in the Cafe of Dreams with a scratched face. What's going on? They must have let him return inspite of his table-tipping antics of earlier.

Holy crap-in-a-box! He's tipped the bloody table up again! What is WRONG WITH HIM! Many people would have loved to invite Simon round to their house for tea and crumpets back in the '80s, this video provides proof positive that he is a public menace who has no regard for other people's property or belongings. Anyway, this is an astonishing turn of events, but not as astonishing as the sight of John, Nick and Roger standing around a bicycle on one leg (John, Roger and Nick are on one leg, not the bicycle, bicycles generally don't have legs). This is very symbolic of, er, um.... Progress?

If Mrs Dawn Redwood or her husband, Christopher are reading this, which I seriously doubt would ever happen, but if you ever do, as my former English teachers, could you contact me and tell me what the hell is going on with symbolism behind that bicycle.

Thanks.

The boys race to find Simon in the Cafe, before the manager kicks him out, presumably.  Roger gets some tongue action, and he's meant to be the quiet one, then John gets off with Roger and Simon's she-woman-cat-type-thing. I kind of expected it from John and Simon, but Roger... It's always the quiet ones.

Right, well the video is winding down now. We get the honey-shots of Nick and Roger, more pictures of the cavorting Simon and more views of John Taylor's nipples.

We do get to see the back of Andy's head, sporting a micro ponytail. Again, I have to sadly report a continued lack of accordion playing from our favourite guitarist. Well, my favourite guitarist at any rate. I shouldn't presume to speak for everyone, should I? My brother used to like Pete Frampton a great deal, for example.

Sorry, went off a bit there.

Anyway, Simon has got off with she-woman-cat-type-thing, Roger, Andy, Nick and John are all happy in the Cafe of Dreams and Simon has stopped chucking furniture about. Alls well that ends well.

And there you have it. About three and a half minutes of Duran Duran genius. Barking mad genius, obviously, but genius nonetheless

Sadly I have no idea who The Wolf was at the end of all that.

Now I need to go and find out where they sell claret trousers in Nottingham.

Scarfy Things

Following the publication of my dissection of the Planet Earth video on Andy Taylor's blog, I have had a complaint which I feel the need to address. It has been brought to my attention that the thing around Simon's waist is not, as I stated, a scarfy-thing, but actually a cummerbund.

A cummerbund (sometimes mistakenly spelled cumberbund) is a broad waist sash, usually pleated, which is often worn with single-breasted dinner jackets (or tuxedos). The cummerbund was first adopted by British military officers in colonial India as an alternative to a waistcoat, and later spread to civilian use. The modern use of the cummerbund is as a component of the semi-formal black tie dress code.

Simon is, indeed wearing a broad waist sash. I would like to retract my previous statements to the contrary and make it quite plain that I will never again confuse a cummerbund with a scarfy-thing.

Please accept my heartfelt apologies.

However, I would like to point out that John Taylor is definitely wearing a scarfy thing.

Another rattle in your brain

I have a confession. Actually, I have enough back catalogue of things I've done in my life that I have sufficent confessions for about 7,290 blog posts, but I'll stay on topic for this one. The confession I am to which I refer is this:-

I'm not that keen on Duran Duran's 3^rd single - My Own Way.

The video isn't that great either, neither mockable like "A View to a Kill" or actually great and mockable like "Rio", so lets just get through this and  do me a huge favour and lower your expectations, okay? Just this one time. I promise I'll make it up to you. I mean I know the Planet Earth essay was just about OK, but on this one I just don't have much to say about it.

I've been averaging around 1,500 words per video, but I can't help but worry as to how the hell am I going to find that much to say about this one. 

Well, I guess I've wasted a few hundred words already, so lets give it a punt shall we?

Directed by Russell Mulcahy, it would appear that after the boob-filled majesty of Girls on Film, the band decided to phone this one in. So what you get is the band miming to the song, in a studio painted with red an black while flamenco dancers twirl in the background, and a colourful tropical bird (probably a parakeet) sits on Nick's instrument (ooh er missus).  

That's it. That is what this video is. Do I have to carry on? Do I? Really? That means I have to watch it again. I love Duran Duran, but honestly, the next video is Hungry Like The Wolf which is chuffing brilliant, can't I just get on with that? 

No? 

Bastards.

OK, first thing to notice is that this video features the fast version of the song, as released on the 7" & 12" some months ahead of the release of the album 'Rio'. I prefer it to the album version. Just.

Next, we have an editor who has discovered the wonders of the Quantel Paintbox. We have split screen edits all over  the shop going on in this video. Mostly used to show Simon's happy bouncy tigger-dancing (more on that to follow) and John's  uberpout (which we might as well leave alone right there).

So. New Duran video, new Duran song, what do we get first? A matador, with cape, spinning around with honey shots of his bottom. I'm thinking they might have had a niche market in mind.

Next we get Simon, striding confidently up to the microphone. Well, I say striding, thanks to the ADHD editing, he sort of bounces up to it in a slightly recursive manner. No matter, he's wearing a red headband. 

Is that the famous tiger baby he's wearing? He just likes it 'cos it's odd, you know (OK, you really need to get hold of Sing Blue Silver on DVD, then you'll understand why I shout 'Gimme a wristband' before leaving the house for work each morning).

I wonder if I'm sharing too much.

No matter, where were we?

Ah yes, the menacing shadow of a 28 foot tall flamenco dancer, intent on destroying humanity! Aaaaaaaagggh (etc).

Simon hasn't noticed. He's too happy bouncing about waving his arms in the air and pointing at the camera.
Next we get a flash of John, looking all pouty and Roger looking all muscular, quiet and deep before cutting to Simon doing that weird eye thing he does. What is that? Why does he do it?

More Quantel split screen wipes until we see Nick, doing the biggest cheek-bone enhancing pout I've ever seen. Ever. He's got a headband too. Not sure if John has, in oder for me to check I'd have to rewind and I don't have the will to do so. I'll let you know as we progress. I've only got 2:58 to get through now, don't make me go back.

Anyway, we have bigger problem, the 28 foot flamenco dancer is back, and her foot looks pissed off. I wonder if it's because it appears that John & Nick have used all of her make-up. All of her make up, and she's got an 8 foot face.

Hang on, is that Andy? He's not getting a lot of face time now is he? New hair though. But it appears to be blueish. He appears to be completely failing to play the accordion.

Watch out kids, the 28 foot tall flamenco dancer is coming down the stairs to get you, with her 7 foot battle fan. That matador looks kind of familiar. It'll come to me (I'll google it, in other words). Nope, don't know who he was but frighteningly, this video was shot on 35mm, which means there might be a hi-def 1080p blu-ray version available one day. That'll be a treat.

Jesus Christ! There appears to be three 28 foot tall flamenco dancers. Surely the boys couldn't have used up all of their make up? Could they? Well, yes, it appear they have.

The matador turns out to be a midget. A midget matador hiding near Roger. I never saw that coming. Duran Duran are magic.

This is getting quite good now, but it needs a bit more, well, something. But the 28 foot tall posse of flamenco dancers and the midget matador have grabbed my attention. What next? I wonder.

Just noticed the neck-ware chosen by the band. John has gone for a nice string-bow tie, Andy has the biggest cravat in the world, it speaks wonders for his skills as a guitarist that he can actually appear to play the instrument whilst wearing such a thing. Nick and Roger are bare-necked, Simon has his tiger-baby (he likes it because it's odd, don't you know).

Nick is wearing a prominent red carnation. It looks like is wearing it in order to be recognisable to his Soviet spy master (meet me under the clock at Waterloo Station, wearing a red carnation, bring the plans for Roger's teleportation device...).

Nope, I was wrong. Nick is using it to attract birds. Well, a bird. That parakeet is walking all over his lovely Roland Jupiter 8, at least I think it's a Jupiter 8, if it's not, could someone let me know. It doesn't matter, I have a couple of Korgs and there's no bloody way I'd risk getting bird-shit on one of them for the sake of a video. Nick is a bit like St Francis of Assisi, only minus the eye disease and the stigmata.

Nick does seem quite animated in this video. Bopping along to the music in a sort of uninhibited fashion compared to the later videos, where he mainly does shoulder wobbling whilst pouting. He actually looks like he's having fun.

Still, the editor use Quantel to great effect to show us that the boys are still under threat from the 28 foot tall flamenco dancers and the midget matador. Nick seems amused by the parakeet's attempts to remove his fingers. I'd have got one of the runners to dispose of the bird by now if I was him. It doesn't seem to be worried by Roger's frenetic drumming either. Pesky bird.

Hang on, those 28 foot tall flamenco dancers are attacking the boys with a strange skirt based twirl activated glitter dispersal system. Cunning wenches! Not sure what sort of effect it will have, apart from making the video more 'fabulous' obviously.

Ah, I seem, the boys have created 30 foot tall androids of Roger and Nick with which to fight back. Lets see how this pans out. It's a lot more exciting than I expected.

There is a rose/crotch shot thrown in, but I think that was either artistic or gratuitous. Probably best to assume it's just more flower abuse. Duran Duran hate flowers, this is now becoming apparent. Flowers are evil. Bad, bad flowers.

Oops, Simon's fallen over, probably slipped on the evil 28 foot tall flamenco dancer's glitter. Duran Duran aren't very good at performing workplace health and safety risk assessments, are they?
Crapola, there are now four 28 foot tall flamenco dancers armed with fans and coming right at us! More glitter more, flower abuse. They've broken the 30 foot Roger & Nick and caused them to laugh. Disaster. Who can save the day?

The band deploys it's emergency 32 foot tall bouncing Le Bon. It does bouncy happy dancing with the ladies. All the lovely ladies. It joins the 30 foot tall Nick, Roger, Andy and John. The John one seems to be malfunctioning, it is doing a funny sort of kangarooish dance which doesn't quite work. Still, there is a lot of glitter, a lot of bouncy dancing and a lot of frolicking going on. It looks like the band's gigantic doppelganger robots are having a fine old time.

You know that scene in Zoolander where the models have a petrol fight in the gas station? Well, this is similar, but with more glitter and a lot more camping about. Yeah, that's right Simon, play the tambourine. That'll help.

Well, that's about it. Robo-Duran fights off the hoard of evil 28 foot tall glitter spilling flamenco dancers using only the power of dance. Awesome.

No clue what the midget matador was doing, though.

I got another one.....

OK, some just asked:-

Does Rolf Harris appear in any of the episodes?

I tried to help out as best I could:-

Strangely enough, yes.
The Australian version of Miami Vice was quite different to the American version. Barry "Sonny" Crocker and his partner Richard "Rico" Sheepstation cruised the streets of Wagga Wagga in their Holden Maloo Ute.

The stories were also Australianised to a greater degree, much of the hard-edged drug trafficking story lines were dropped in favour of a more antipodean flavour. Stories such as "Bruce's Dutch Oven" where Sheila is torn between duty and romance when she learns that her boyfriend (Rolf Harris) is best friends with a sheep rustler (Rolf Harris) who has connections to a big-time supplier of vegimite to the local black market. Gripping stuff.

I mean, you be an idiot not to bid for this piece of Australiana.

 I think I helped....

He shakes his head and walks away....

Addendum to my earlier post, I responded with:

The DVD region code restricts the disks so you can't watch disks from one region on a different region's player. Many DVD players and disks are region free, the 1st series and 3rd series are marked as regions 2,4 & 5 and series 2 is marked as region 4 only, but the disks are in fact regions 2, 4, & 5 (I checked).

The series are all in English, although Edward James Olmos does mumble quite a lot.

Kayleigh (is it too late to say I'm sorry?) wrote back with:

that great thankyou :)

I think I'm in love.....