Occulomency

You got me coming up with answers, All of which I deny.

Ladees and Jentlemon....

Do you remember Secret Army, on the telly? You know the serious dull version of 'Allo 'Allo that starring Bernard Hepton as Albert Foiret. We named a cat Albert, he was very large, cross-eyed and ginger. The cat, not Bernard Hepton.

My father was incredibly fond of this programme. Still, he was also incredibly fond of the bacon counter at ASDA, but that's a completely different story. I digress.

This video is meant to be similar to that programme, but it isn't. It's so much better, but not necessarily for the obvious reasons.

My theory is Duran Duran decided 'New Moon on Monday' sounded a bit like a spy code word thing, and had themselves cast as revolutionaries, intent on overthrowing an oppressive regime. After all, we've had Simon as Indiana Jones, so what could possibly go wrong?

Well, lets find out.

First of all, in common with many Duran Duran videos, there are oh so many versions, so, so many.

The longest is a 17-minute "movie version" which includes excruciatingly bad dialogue and ham acting set to an extended remix of the song which isn't the 12" Dance Mix (which you couldn't dance to). Although it is particularly funny, it's hardly fair to expect you to sit through it in it's entirety.

This is the shorter version, but not the Dancing on the Valentine one. No, because the Dancing on the Valentine one removes almost all of the Nick's dancing and replaces it with quite good vignettes of the band.

No, you are getting five minutes of Duran Duran at their peak. Andy Taylor in his book is a more than a little scathing of this video. But I think that's unfair. It is irredeemably stupid and pompous, but my God it's fun.

Plus I really love the song, my favourite from Seven and the Ragged Tiger. I wish they played it live a bit more often.

So, the video was directed by Brian Grant, he had previously directed classics such as Olivier Newton John's Let's Get Physical. So we are probably in for a treat. The video was filmed in Noyers, Bercy and Paris, France when it was very, very cold, so I am given to understand.

We kick off with a French actor, obviously rehearsing for a play.

Simon walks up and the French Actor narrates a little tableau. In French it sounds quite good, artistic, even. But when you get your grandma to translate it for you, you find it says:

"Ladies and gentlemen, how are you doing? Welcome here tonight to see the strangest, the most beautiful show on earth. Hey you, you know this, right? Let us go see the wedding. Let's go see the baroness, the newlyweds, the mistress…."

Simon looks on in an almost otherwise otherwise deserted theatre. I say almost, there area couple of nasty evil not-a-nazi-but-obviously-a-nazi guards, also sporting natty little logos, but this type all tough and swordy. They are clearly malevolent but also seem to be under the control of a very pretty lady. She has noticed Simon.

What I really love though is Simon's badge. It's a sort of "not a swastika but still a symbol that's obviously meant to mean something as it's appearing on all branding for the Album and the subsequent singles" thing that I would have as a tattoo if:

a) I didn't have a significant needle phobia, and
b) Tattoos of symbols depicting your favourite band on middle aged, middle-class men never fail to attract derision.

Simon gets his papers checked, whilst pretty lady slips away. If that is a secret rebel symbol on Simon's jacket, he's taking one hell of a risk actually  displaying it, don't you think? If I was involved in a secret organisation that was probably illegal and subject to repression, I would:

a) assume that the organisation was known to the oppressive regime as such regimes tend to have well developed domestic security networks
b) not advertise my membership of said organisation by wearing a badge.

Maybe that's just me.

This bit is a little confusing, Simon has his papers taken off him by the nasty evil not-a-nazi-but-obviously-a-nazi guard who beckons him to follow. So you are thinking long term incarceration and imprisonment for Le Bon, but no. Simon is lead into a dark passageway behind the theatre where he spots the pretty lady on a motorbike.

So, is Simon on the side of the nasty evil not-nazis-but-obviously-nazis? I would not have thought that likely.

 Simon gets on the back of the motorbike and off they go.

It's dark, misty and slightly sepia toned. The nasty oppressors are beating the shit out of some poor bastard by a push-bike. We are in France, remember, so he probably was found to be outside, after dark, without a beret, stripy sweater and string of onions.

Sorry, I must try harder to avoid national stereotypes, mustn't I?

Anyway, Roger gets into an old Citroen. He's not going to be going very far then.

The oppressors are seen beating Banksie with a stick. In fairness, I'm beginning to come round to their way of thinking.

Nick has an underground lair. It was only a matter of time, was't it? I'm only slightly surprised that he didn't locate it in a hollowed out volcano. Sadly, it's in an old cellar. He is passing boxes of stuff to John who is wearing a magnificent coat. I'm partial to a coat. Oooh, the stuff in question has been thoughtfully marked by Nick as 'Explosives'. Cool, there's going to be one hell of a big explosive payoff at the end of this video then. You wouldn't spend such efforts on setting all this up without having an awesome pyrotechnic display, would you?

No.

Why John has decided to use a horse and cart is a bit beyond me, because I would have though such an anachronistic mode of transport would actually attract attention in a world which uses motorcycles and old Citroens. Anyway, I'm not one of these creative types, so what would I know?

It's good to see him use the correct pulling away from the curb procedure.

Andy is printing leaflets, Roger has dropped into the underground lair to  say hello, which is nice. These leaflets, they bare Simon's symbol, the words 'This Time La Luna" (displayed at the same time Simon sings it, very slick boys, very slick) and a monochrome stylised image of what appears to be a kite and a crescent moon, set against a moody sky.

You have to hope that the kite is a red herring, don't you? We want the explosives.

Simon goes blasting off down a tree lined avenue while unfeasibly fast clouds billow overhead. It's a bit post-nuclear, this image. Anyway, we are soon distracted by some helicopter shots of Simon & pretty lady  racing along a country lane on the motorbike. Simon does a single arm raisy thing, but obviously it makes the bike wobble and they sensibly stop such antics at once.

Roger and Andy manage to socially engineer themselves past the oppressing guards. These guards are shit. Roger and Andy look totally suspicious and although the guards, being ruthless oppressors, could search them, they don't bother. I would search anyone wearing red boots in these circumstances. Nice to see the oppressive regime have put out flags and braziers though.

Simon arrives on the bike, Nick and John arrive on the horse and cart. Yes, folks, Nick Rhodes driving a horse and cart. Amazingly, this is the strangest thing we'll see Nick do in this video. Under normal circumstances, Nick driving a horse and cart would be worthy of much ridicule, but not here. Here it merely raises an eyebrow.

Have you noticed that John and the horse have gone to the same hair stylist?

We can only imagine how much Nick hated doing this. He may be in France, but he's in rural France, driving a horse and cart. Do the maths.

Anyway, Nick and John leave the horse and cart containing the much anticipated explosives unattended while useless guards mill about the place. It's like the band had watched 'Allo 'Allo and though - we could make a really cool video about this, and then realised they actually couldn't. Great matching scarf and gloves from John though, and kudos to Nick for pretending to care about horses. Not so sure about his coat, however.

Anyway, the band and the pretty lady (she is stunning) meet in a cafe to discuss their plans. Simon really needs to take that badge off. Someone will notice, surely? That shifty looking old lady for a start.

The band go out onto the street with pretty lady and start surreptitiously distributing the leaflets we saw Andy with earlier. They are certainly planning something. The problem is, they are not being terribly discriminating as to whom they give the leaflets too. I'd assume that at least a portion of the local populace are collaborating, and so between the ham-fisted handing out of printed materials and the badge Simon is wearing, I would have expected even the most useless guards to have twigged something was afoot and picked up the band by now.

Somehow I find it comforting that the regime has not started rationing hair gel or peroxide. Maybe it was the threat of this that kicked of Duran Duran's insurrection. We will never know. Still, it's always funny to get a screengrab of Simon looking constipated, isn't it?

How the hell did these useless bastards get to be in charge of the cheese eating surrender monkeys? Hang on, I've answered my own question haven't I?

Did I slip into national stereotyping again? Sorry, I must not do that. It is rude and not funny, big, grown up or clever.

Anyway, the clouds go all fast and weird again and a badly superimposed moon appears unconvincingly. It's a bit like watching Scooby Doo meets the Nazis, only with less convincing acting.

Well, it's night time again, pop fans. The all-France formation lamp swinging team is out practicing while Roger and Andy go and play with a kite, John and Nick park the horse and cart. It's hard to see how this can end well, isn't it?

Remember kids, Duran Duran are trained professionals. They are able to open boxes marked 'Explosives' with a sodding great big axe without excessive risk of blowing themselves and half of France to kingdom come. Don't try this at home.

Roger and Andy have launched the kite from the top of the town church's tower. It's a magic kite. It shoots lightning.

I really can't think of anything to say about that. Who came up with that bright idea and why weren't they told to leave the creative meeting immediately and never come back?

Simon runs in to help with a flag. Following by oppressed masses carrying flags. You see all you revolutionary types out there in the internets, all you need to do to overthrow an oppressive regime is have flags.

The magic lightning kite is apparently getting it's magic powers from the moon. Lightning from the moon is travelling to the kite and being distributed down into the town square. To what end I hear you ask. no idea I am forced to reply

OK... The riot police have turned up. On horseback. Carrying light sabres. Yes, light sabres. So this means, by my logic, the oppressive forces actually are Jedi and Duran Duran are representing the evil Galactic Empire. I've been supporting the wrong side all these years....

But it's OK, John and Nick brought lots of explosives... Oh wait, no, they went down to the local paper shop and picked up some fireworks.

Anyway, the rebels and the light-sabre equipped riot police seem to be engaging in a gigantic bout of tarting about in a market square. It's not conveying 'rebellion' to me.

Simon is holding off an entire mounted brigade with a flaming stick. So, in Duran world, flaming stick trumps light-sabre. If that's the case, Duran Duran gigs of the 1980's where everyone held up lighters during save a prayer must have practically constituted a weapon of mass destruction.

Andy holds his arm aloft in triumph. Probably happy that for once, he's not limited to running about on scaffolding. John and Nick have got sparklers, so the forces of democracy are bound to win out over oppression. If only Che Guevara had access to sparklers....

The sparklers have frightened off the riot police, the town is free! The oppressive regime has fallen, through the power of magic kites and sparklers. Oh now is the time to celebrate. Now is the time to rejoice, rejoice.

We move into a phase of this video which is beyond belief. It contains my pet peeve, band members pretending to sing backing vocals, coupled with people who can't dance, dancing.

The shots of the five of them dancing in front of the not-a-swastika firework is hilarious and heartbreaking. It is so very, very wrong. So very, very bad. So profoundly unintentionally funny, yet not the funniest dancing in a Duran Duran related video. No, for that honour, you will have to wait for Arcadia's Election Day.

While the boys dance, the magic kite spits out electricity, the fireworks burn bright, the populace rejoice.

And Nick dances on....

Roger was once asked "if you could go back in time and meet yourself is there any advice you would give yourself and do you think you would listen?"

He responded ".... the dancing at the end of New Moon on Monday!"

As Marlon Brando said in Apocalypse Now: the horror, the horror....

P.S.

Just as an aside, I've been writing this on and off all week, I've watched the video maybe a dozen times in that period, I've only just noticed the fundemental flaw with this video as I'm putting the pictures in.

It's not a new moon, is it? It's a waxing crescent. If it was a new moon, you wouldn't be able to see it.

Today is Occulomency Day

In order to celebrate another year of his illustrious and benevolent rule over humanity, The Dear Leader has granted all of his subjects 3 minutes off in order to attempt to ply him with genuflections.

You are most welcome, mankind.

I Knew This Was A Big Mistake.

One of the problems with watching a lot of Duran Duran videos from the 'Seven and the Ragged Tiger' era is that it starts to give you a slightly warped view of reality. But let me give you some advice, if your version of reality in any way shape or form resembles any part of the following video, call your brain Doctor at once. You really need help.

Simon Le Bon once said: (the album) "is an adventure story about a little commando team. 'The Seven' is for usthe five band members and the two managers and 'the Ragged Tiger' is success. Seven people running after success. It's ambition. That's what it's about."

So this is the level of pretension we are dealing with over the next couple of videos.

I'm not going to cover the version featured on the video EP Dancing on the Valentine, because I can't find a link to it on YouTube, but I wish I could, mainly because I owned it and it's the version I remember best. It also is the silliest, although, in fairness, they are all pretty silly,  just that it's silly with a funky stencilled topping.

No, we are getting the standard one today. You lucky people.

Russell Mulcahy  was slated to direct the "Union of the Snake" video, he conceived it to be the first of a trilogy involving a lost document and subterranean worlds.

Mulcahy was forced to pull out due to other commitments, so Simon Milne had a call from EMI asking if he would fly to Australia to direct the video that was scheduled to start shooting later that week.

Milne knew the band well as he had filmed them in concert and assisted Russell Mulcahy on their "Rio" video and so four days later was directing "Union of the Snake" (information from the always awesome Duran Wiki).

It's a shame the trilogy didn't come off, but it might go some way to explain some of the more weird and seemingly random imagery going on there.

We start with the rugged adventurers, Roger and John, climbing about on a sand dune. They look lost and confused. I'm not surprised, they had been on a six month post Rio bender and suddenly they were spat out onto a sand-dune in New South Wales. Poor confused pop stars. But they better watch out, because they are being stalked by an angry mutant parakeet. Presumably the same one from 'My Own Way', you remember, the one that so amused Nick when it crapped on his Jupiter 8? Well, it appears to have mutated into green beaked lizard man who just lives to dance along to Nick's Fairlight noodlings.

He seems to be sort of proto-vogueing, a green beaked Madonna, only with more humility.

Simon is leading the party, as he should be, and there's a dude on a horse, dressed like T.E. Laurance. Not sure why. Maybe he'll play a really big part later on in the video. That must be it, it's far to explicit and dramatic an image to just chuck in there and then do nothing with.

Disappointingly, there are no headbands in sight on the visible band members, but happily, John is returning to his roots and wearing a scarfy-thing in a manner for which it was presumably never intended. Nice, might try that at work tomorrow. Actually, looking at the day I've got ahead of me, I'd better not. I actually have to wear a suit. I have a proper job, you know.

Looks like Simon is leading from the back. Even better, my kind of leader, our Simon. Great micro-creveat, there Simon. What's that meant to do, exactly? It would seem to me at least, to be a singularly ineffectual piece of cervical attire.

Anyway, moving on. The boys find a knackered Holden Ute at the bottom of a sand dune. There appears to be exciting pipes sticking out of the dune, but as they investigate the ute, they come across a cadaver. John and Roger look shattered by the news. John is so shattered in fact that he removes the stiff from the passenger seat and has a sit down in the cab. I'm thinking that a body that's stuck in a ute, in a desert is going to smell pretty bloody awful, so I am a bit surprised John took this course of action.

Roger has a sit down outside.

Simon is in better shape. He builds a fire, makes a shelter and drags an unconscious Roger over to the makeshift camp he has created. He goes to check on John in the stinky cab, having not noticed that those exciting and mysterious pipes have started smoking away in an exciting and mysterious fashion.

OK. A rather over made up girl dressed as an old time Cinema usherette  appears. A bit like that shop keeper in Mr. Benn, but with more pouting and sideways glances. And no fez. I like a fez. Fezzes are cool.

John must be deeply unconscious, otherwise he'd have probably tried to shag her. Anyway, Simon does not waste any time trying to work out what the hell she is doing there in the desert, nope. He follows her into a lift. In fairness, he does do a bit of his famous 'I'm confused' face that he learned at drama school. He went to drama school, you know.

Now, about this lift. It's a bit, well, wacky in that special Duran Duran way that we have come to love  and respect. Well, Ok, not respect, but love at least.

It's a rather Heath-Robinson affair, made of riveted steel girders, heavy gauge steel mesh and other sturdy materials. Just as well, sitting on the top of the lift is the mutant parakeet boy. Contained within the lift are normal parakeets. It is possible that these are merely the larval stage of the proto-vogueing mutant parakeets. In fact, as there is no other plausible explanation for why the fuck they are being kept in a lift in a desert, lets roll with that thought, shall we?

We have now descended into the underworld. Oh, but what an underworld. It's filled with exciting pipes, chains, scaffolding and steam. And gyrating boys and girls, don't lets forget them. Simon and The Usherette descend into this realm of Cerberus, looking a bit puzzled but he's obviously not worried that he's left his two mates outside in the desert which is known to have killed at least one person in the recent past. I think Simon's been a bit of a bastard really.

A small boy hears the lift coming and opens up the doors to some form of inner sanctum, allowing Simon entrance. Only it's quite obvious that the doors do not form part of a contiguous security barrier, so Simon could just walk around the side of them if he so wished. Poor security design by whoever is in charge of access control for the underworld.

The interior designer did remember to put in a large stain glass window. Underground. Yes, an underground stained glass window. The bloke who put this together must have been, to coin a phrase, 'off his tits'.

The Usherette leads the way past many interesting, exotic and exciting things, including some artistically arranged umbrellas for some unfathomable reason. it is hard to imagine why one would need a arrangement of umbrellas, underground in a desert? This would appear to be incongruous at best and just plain foolish if you are not feeling charitable.

There are also some of the most thread-bare and unservicable tents I've  ever seen with carefully coiffured children living in them. Nope, me neither. Your guess is as good as mine from this point onwards.

Next we see a man wearing white make up and a chequered t-shirt juggling dice. That must mean something, surely? That's far to specific an image not to be expanded on.

The boy leads the way past heavily made up men doing some form of dance. Some girls approach, they look a bit like sort of priestess sort of things, I suppose.

It's Nick! Reading a some parchments, by candlelight, in front of some tailor's dummies. He's talking to someone, but I'm not sure who it is or why he is surrounded by tailor's dummies. There are many, many things that I'm not sure about regarding this video. It's almost as though the director just strung a load of images together that look expensive and sort of interesting rather than trying for any form of narrative. But that can't be the case. Can it?

I know I've moaned about overly literal videos in the past, but there must be a balance, surely?

By the way, we are over two minutes into this video now and there is one member of the band we have yet to see. That's right, where's Andy hiding?

Nick notices Simon, but doesn't seem to want to engage with him for some reason. The little boy runs away from the sound of the syn-drums. Again, I know how he feels. Nick has found a map, and he's obviously excited about it in his way. I'm not the world's best lip reader, but I think he says "I've got it". I hope he is referring to the map and not a letter from his GP telling him some news from the Genitourinary clinic.

Simon and the Boy get in the lift with the larval parakeet monsters. Dice juggling monochrome man is so disappointed to see this, he stops juggling dice. Poor him.

Nick puts the parchment he was please to find inside a large tube, and he seals it with a big silver bauble.

It is possible that we see Andy here, fleetingly. A bloke in leather trousers, sunglasses and sporting a pony tail is climbing some scaffolding. Andy has always had challenging hair, but this is probably the most conventional hair do he's sported.

The Boy escapes the parakeet infested lift. The smell of bird shit and the probably  even more overpowering  scent of a Le Bon who's spent one too many nights in the desert proves too much for the little mite.

A heavily made up man looks on suspiciously, but at least he is wearing a head band, so we know we are on solid Duran Duran video ground.

Andy appears to be leading the Boy to safety, via the scaffolding. It's not a role that's going to tax him artistically, but I guess it's steady work. Heavily made up dancers hug each other with anticipation, or something.

So, the boy climbs on top of the lift, Simon is still inside with the parrots and a lady gyrates away in front of some parakeets. I'm wondering if there is a single music video in the history of the genre that makes less sense than this.

Oh Christ. I'm not sure there's a name for what the heavily made up men are doing now. It's sort of fighting and sort of just poncing about. You know those really shit films that youngsters like about gangs of youths settling their scores by out dancing each other. It's like that, there must be a word for it, apart from bilge.

They must have liked it though, they go on to do very similar looking dancy-fighting bilge throughout the Wild Boys video.

Hang on, Simon's on top of the lift now. He must have noticed that it was full of birds, but how did he get there? That lady isn't doing any dancy-fighting, but she is a top class pouter. She could probably rival Nick in the pouty face stakes. Crazy hair too, but not lovely sexy crazy hair like the lady in the video-singles version of the Lonely in Your Nightmare video, just plain old Medusa crazy.

More dancy-fighting by the denizens of the underworld. It looks like an out-take from Zoolander now. Simon escapes the madness by climbing up a transparent pipe. He reaches the outside, and hosanna! Glorious news! John and Roger are not dead!

They are probably a bit miffed that Simon abandoned them at night in the middle of a fucking desert though. If I was them, I'd drive off.

I think they are going to, as well. But wait, what's this? Purple fireworks and that dude on a horse again. Even Simon notices this rather strange turn of events. Powerful things, fireworks. They can do much more than just look pretty. They can spook horses for a start.

So, Simon gets up and goes towards the pretty fireworks. He's looking surprisingly dapper considering the night he's had. Quite fresh in fact.

Sadly, when he gets to the top of the sand dune, he falls over. Perhaps the fireworks are actually an evil nerve gas, sent by their arch enemies. Spandau Ballet.

Anyway, it's morning, all of a sudden, and Simon wakes up. John and Roger have followed my advice and buggered off with the ute (serves Le Bon right in my opinion), so what is our flaxen haired troubadour going to do now?

Well, first off, Simon has apparently found a massive black elephant's dildo.

Oh, wait. It's just that scrolly thing Nick was playing with earlier. Never mind. Ah! That man on a horse!

What! That's it? Simon gets on the back of the horse which very slowly walks off. What about the underworld? Andy? Nick? That little boy? What about the Usherette? What has the last four minutes and twenty seconds meant Simon? You are the lead singer, you are in charge. Explain yourself.

No?

Hrummmph.

Well, Next week I'll look at New Moon on Monday.

I'm sure that'll be much more sensible.

James Cameron - Slow Worker.

So, James Cameron has descended to the farthest depths of the ocean in his quest to be the most dynamic and wonderful film-maker since those people who made Blair Witch 2 - Book of Shadows.

I can't help but think he must have annoyed the person who does the captions at the National Geographic Channel.

 

I know, I know.

Well, no one could accuse me of being anything other than slightly too obsessive.

Remember this from a week or so back?

Well, it took a bit of time and effort, but I now have:

Yes indeed. Number 157, mint in wrapper.

Oh yes....

Now all I need to do is to get John Taylor to sign it. Then my nerdgasm will be complete.

Here's one I made earlier.

• 3 onions (chopped)
• a bulb of garlic (yes a whole bulb, chopped)
• a lump of butter
• a couple of tablespoons of hot chilli powder
• a couple of red chilli peppers (de-seeded and chopped)
• salt & pepper
• 1kg of minced beef
• a jar of sun-dried tomatoes
• 4 tins of tomatoes
• 4 tins of red kidney beans

sweat off the onion and the garlic in in the butter and a bit of the oil from the sun dried tomatoes.

add the chilli powder and the chilli peppers

when it's all gone soft and sticky, add the beef

stick the sun dried tomatoes in a blender and turn them into a paste, they deserve it. Tomatoes are evil, bad, bad tomatoes

add the tomato paste and the tinned tomatoes (use whole tinned tomatoes but don't break them up until they are cooked, if you do, it makes the sauce bitter)

simmer this for about 45 minutes

add the kidney beans, simmer for another 30 minutes

leave it for a day

bag it, freeze it

meals sorted for about 4 weeks

it's good

try it

 

 

What glass splinters lie so deep in your mind?

I do like this song. I really like the video. It's just not the fun filled action-packed romp that we are used to. 

Anyway, I shall make a brave attempt and I promise I will not have any impure thoughts whilst writing this essay.

The Chauffeur is one of two non-single tracks on Rio to appear on the 1983 video-singles album. Given that the other one was the abominable 'Lonely In Your Nightmare', you may think this doesn't bode well. You'd be wrong.

None of the band appear in the video at all. And it's in black and white. However, this was directed by Ian Emes, who worked with Pink Floyd on 'The Wall' amongst other things, so have faith. This is a cracker.

We start off by seeing a nice brunette lady being driven around by a chauffeur in a large old car. I think it might be a Daimler, but I'm genuinely unsure and if someone could correct me if I'm wrong, I shall be ever so contrite. Just like I was about the scarfy-thing-cummerbund mix up.

Anyway, nice car and lovely cinematography. Great shots of, well, roads and stuff. I'm not even being sarcastic, it really fits the mood of Nick's glorious sequencer work. I love tape-echo effects.

The lady has forgotten to get dressed properly. She remembered her jewellery and gloves. She didn't forget her undergarments and her stockings, but she did forget her dress. Careless beginners error, in my opinion. Never mind, she's all narrow-eyed and sultry.

I'm not sure she's very comfortable, she seems to have some discomfort in her chest. I wonder if she has heartburn?

It speaks volumes for her abilities as an actress that she can hold her head up when wearing earrings of such magnitude. Mind you, I hope her destination is heated, as she'll catch her death without a coat.

THIGHS!

Sorry, did I say thighs. Not sure why that popped into my head at all. Must apologise.
The chauffeur in question is clearly having a good old perv at the lady in the back of his car. He's not even being subtle. How do you get a job as a Chauffeur? Does it pay more than my job? I'll have to look that up.

Woah! New lady! Blonde, miserable looking, wearing a mesh top.  She has aparently abruptly woken with a nasty case of heartburn. She should try some Ompeprozole, it'll stop that happening.  She is also fond of stroking her own thighs. This video has everything. I luuuuuuurve it....

I can't help thinking that her outfit is remarkably impractical as day or night wear. No wonder she woke up eith heart-burn.

Blonde lady has a collection of broken mirror fragments. I understand this was a popular hobby in the early eighties, supplanted finally by the tamagotchi.

The brunette lady is making sure her piece of broken glass stays safe and sound by kissing it. This is obviously a risky thing to do, and I must say kids, don't try this at home. These ladies are trained professionals.

So is the driver, he's managing to keep his mind on the driving, his hands on the wheel, and he's keeping his snoopy eyes on the road ahead, whilst she's having fun, sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with her piece of glass and her own thighs.

Again, health and safety rules seem to be flouted by the brunette lady. She has unwisely covered the floor of the limousine with spheres of various sizes. This must constitute a serious slip-hazard on vehicle entry or egress, their insurance premiums must be through the roof. 

The brunette lady really seems to be suffering with her digestion. Anyway, back to the blonde lady. She's changed out of her mesh top (A-BOO!) and into some nice lacy underwear (Hurrah!) and she's putting the finishing touches to her stockings. Slowly. In front of several large mirrors. In black and white.

More thighs, more stroking only this time, we get a bit of calf action, nice. I really do like this video a lot. Apart from the misery of heartburn, of course, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Well, the blonde lady has finished putting her underwear on and is ready for a nice evening out. I'm assuming she's going to put on a nice dress and a long coat, otherwise she may look a bit underdressed for most restaurants I know of. I hope her tummy is feeling better.

Ah, there she goes, walking along in her nice coat. I can't wait to see what pretty frock she chose to go underneath it. As long as it's not gingham, she should be fine. Gingham should never be worn with ear-rings like that.

The ladies are clearly heading to meet up somewhere, probably because one of them has got some ant-acid tablets. They both clearly need some by the look on their faces. Although, it might be a bit embarrassing for brunette lady, as she forgot to get dressed properly, but maybe blonde lady can lend her a coat.

Blonde lady appears to have just crossed Westminster Bridge. She's walking along the Victoria Embankment (part of Joseph Bazelgette's grand sewerage scheme) and carelessly bumps into a short chap in a flasher mac and beret combination. So, another first for Duran Duran, getting Benny Hill to do a cameo like that. Nice work and a courageous artistic choice.

She's wandered off into the tube station (either Embankment or Westminster, not sure which) and then into an underground car park, the same one that brunette lady has arrived in.

My they look pleased to see each other. They must have both had heartburn for some time now. Lay off the the doughballs at Pizza Express, they get me every time. Never mind that now, I just can't wait to find out what that blonde lady has chosen to wear under than lovely Burberry trench-coat. Brunette lady certainly can't wait to get her hands on those Rennies.

Oh dear. Well, this is a bit awkward. It appears that she has also forgotten to wear any form of reasonable outer garment. In fact, the brunette lady is slightly overdressed by comparison.

I'm sure the chauffeur chap will be able to lend a hand. He'll probably donate his coat or something to assist the ladies in distress. Seriously, you'll never get a table at Pizza Express dressed like that. Don't even try. They get all cross and threaten to call the police.

Hang on, wasn't he a bloke just now?

Love to know where she gets that hairspray from, that is seriously good stuff. Strong and yet flexible, I'd have killed for that stuff back in 1983. I wound up using a product called Hi-Hair, but it made my head dangerously flammable, which when coupled with the amount I used to smoke back then and the ludicrous Zippo lighter I had, makes it even more amazing that I didn't wind up doing a Johnny Storm impersonation (The Human Torch - Fantastic 4 - do keep up).

Anyway the lovely ladies are having a bit of a dance. It's not a very good dance but they are probably both in quite a lot of pain from thier heartburn. It must be that, mustn't it? I've heard about ladies like this, they are very special friends but nothing more profound than that. The Church says so. It must be right.

There, that nice lady who has appeared from seemingly no-where has taken her coat off to stop the ladies getting a chill. Lovely.

Holy crap-on-a-cracker she's got her jugs out and is doing an interpretive dance.

Ah, there are two chauffeurs, I see. Well now the bloke chauffeur is back, do you think he's going to take all of his clothes off and join in? No, of course not, this is a Duran Duran video, only ladies get semi naked. He's going to watch while the two ladies do their strange arm cycling dance and the lady chauffeur who appeared out of nowhere does an interpretive dance of me resigning from my last job (I wish I had resigned that way, I really do).

And that's really about it. That lady dancing at the end was Billy Idol's long term partner, by the way. 

Next we really do have Union of the Snake, I've written a lot of it, but realised this morning I'd forgotten to do this one.

Live Long and Prosper.

 

Giggity.

For Quagmire.

 

Eilean

Just read this piece about the boat used in the Rio video.

Even more detail can be found here.

 

About as easy as a nuclear war.

This song was the UK number one on my 15th birthday. Very nearly 29 years ago as I write this. Yes, that's right, 29 years.

So, anyone who can still remember this from the first time around is officially past it and should go and buy something beige.

29 years. Bloody hell.

Another Russell Mulcahy video, this one, but very different to the previous few, being mainly studio based and full of Quantel trickery. This video is certainly not a literal interpretation of the song, nor does it feature the band playing instruments. It does however feature my bete noir.

Yes, right from the opening frame. Nick can be seen pretending to sing the opening lines, along with Roger (initially only viewed from the forehead up, for some bizarre reason). It never occurred to me before, but doesn't Nick look very like David Sylvian in this clip?

Anyway, we get a shot of John, pretending to sing and one of Simon waving his arms about in his best 'I've been to drama school' way, and then you get to a strange thing.

If I was a creative type (I'm not) and wished to direct music videos (I don't, being snarky about them is too much fun), I would have lined the band up in the following order from nearest to farthest:

• Andy
• Nick
• Roger
• John

This would mean that we could actually see the whole band in one shot at they gaze meaningfully up at the spotlight pretending to sing. However, the choice was made to go with:

• Roger
• John
• Nick
• Andy

So we get to see Roger's ear, most of John and Nick's orange fluffy fringey thing. An interesting artistic choice, I think you'll agree. Mind you, you do get some interesting low-angle up the nostril shots of the type that Russell Mulcahy made his own.

So, Simon is not with the boys on this one, but they are all dressed the same. Blue shirts with white tucked in ties, black trousers and black suede boots. If you want to know how I dressed when going to nightclubs (I was tall, I got in) around this time, look at this video.

So, we get lots of split screening, similar to "My Own Way", but so, so much cooler. There are exciting orange pyramids, grey steps, breaking glass spheres, floodlights concealed within apertures high in faceless grey walls.

For some reason, the atmosphere of this video reminds me of the 1967 classic TV series The Prisoner, in particular an episode called Once Upon A Time.

Again, Duran Duran are seen to be experimenting with the occult sciences. Simon has been cloned, and Roger gets caught out whilst apparently having a crafty pee in the corner. He is relieving himself without seemingly being distracted by the red ball, bouncing impudently up the stairs in violation of the laws of Newtonian physics when he  suddenly materialises in front of himself. Ah, Roger and his teleportation shenanigans. Will he never learn? Every one knows that you shouldn't cross your own time-stream, you'll blow a whole in the universe exactly the same size as Belgium.

Being in Duran Duran must have been a bit weird at this point, people bending space-time, making clones of each other and teleporting themselves back in time. Rock and roll, kids, but not as we know it.

Simon finds himself in an environment which reminds me of a Braun razor commercial from about the same period. He is singing and acting simultaneously. He looks slightly puzzled, probably trying to work out why Russell Mulcahy has put him in an environment that looks like a highly magnified version of John Majors chin after 3 days growth. It does look kind of good though. I know it doesn't have the glamour of Rio, but I still like it.

The observant amongst you will have spotted the Simon finger pointy pistol thing making a welcome return. Pointy pistol fingers and up the nose shots. Chuck in headbands and we are in for a bumper Duran Duran meme overload.

By the way, I wonder if that elephant from the Sri Lanka shoot has stopped stalking Simon yet, they never forget you know.

Simon climbs the stairs, John plays with a sextant. Here's a hot tip for any of you planning a sailing jaunt. Don't let John be your navigator. That is not how one uses a sextant, it is upside down and John is indoors. Both of these things lead me to believe that John knows nothing about the art of seamanship. Given Duran Duran's record on boats, I'd steer well clear of them when considering anything to do with the life aquatic. Otherwise you wouldn't enjoy Le Bon voyage (too much?).

That red pyramids back though. Must mean something. Not sure what. Remind me later, I'll try to get you an answer.

The lighting is very Morticia Addams again isn't it?

Now, there's a heap of blue sand, some navigational parallel rulers and a projection of the giant glitter spraying flamenco women from My Own Way. What is going on? I'm feeling a bit lost.

OK, Simons doing some on the spot stroll dancing (we'll see more of that later), while a black and white boy holds a red ball in a greyscale wood. That red ball must mean something. Not sure what. Remind me later, I'll try to get you an answer.

Simon does his pointy finger pistol dancing, he does it well. Then he starts asking the concealed floodlight questions. It is a little bit like Once Upon A Time, isn't it? Or is it just me having two obsessions and trying to meld them down into one. It's just me, right? Right.

More of the band pretending to sing whilst Simon emotes. Lots of big gestures from Le Bon. Big, big gestures.

Now, someone is messing about with that pile of sand whilst a projection of a baby watches a projection of children dancing about in Sri Lanka. There must have been a meeting at some point where someone suggested the storyboard for this video, and the band, instead of throwing Roger's drumsticks at the person in question and saying 'bollocks to that, we want to go somewhere with nice weather and pretty ladies' they said 'yes, OK, we'll film this in a shed at a former World War 2 airfield'. Idiots.

Also, why is Roger's shadow projected onto that wall? Was he just hiding in the background and a spot-light caught him off guard? Weird.

Simon's hand gestures are now so profound, the editor has started highlighting them  with handy yellow boxes. Nice work, Mr Editor! Now, there seem to be a load of blokes, in full civil service bowler hats and suits, buried waist deep in a grey room. Simon is there too.

But we don't get time to work out what's going on because it's time to look at a sad old man, sitting in an absurdly large chair and an absurdly large table, covered in pink sand which is being blown about by a mysterious indoor wind. With him is a young boy, who is watching a projection of Sri Lanka on the wall behind him. This must be profound,  surely? I mean, only a mad man would create this sort of image and not have it mean anything.

The little boy is drawing a map though, and I must say he seems pretty good at it.

Just watch Andy Taylor in this next bit. He is having far too much fun. Roger, Nick and Andy are dressed as old-time soldiers. You know, if I could be bothered I could probably find out what army the uniform is based on, but I suspect it doesn't matter and it's nearly tea time and I must crack on. Anyway, the three boys are standing in front of an old time microphone and the have to pretend to deliver the 'You're about as easy as a nuclear war' line whilst making a pointy hand gesture thing. As I say, Roger looks slightly embarrassed, Nick looks angry, Andy looks like he's having a fracking ball, in a camp hand-on-hip sort of way.

Even Simon looks surprised.

The little boy is staring at that red stoney thing. He looks round in surprise too, I don't blame him, that's the first time we've seen Andy happy in a video since he was talking to his hairdresser in Careless Memories. Maybe they should have dressed him up as a soldier more often and given him additional lines to deliver, then he wouldn't have left.

Naked child  next to a computer. There are several very crude and obvious jokes that I'm sure you are expecting me make at this point, but I won't. This video is from an age when showing the arse of a 11 month old child on television didn't raise an eye-brow.

This kid is now about 30.

30.

Think about that.

I do wish I could identify the model of computer though. It would be hilarious if it was a Wang.

More projections of giant glitter-spewing spinning women of yore.

Now we get a shot of the band arranged on steps, helping Simon to deliver the chorus. Watch John. John has no idea what to do with his hands. Simon knows what do do with his, so he waves them about. John hasn't got a guitar to hang on to, so he sticks his hands in his pockets.

But he knows it doesn't look right or feel right so he's made that fatal error, he's taken one hand out of his pocket and he does a bit of a pointy thing with it. It's not up to Le Bon's gesticulatory magnificence though, is it?

Oh, God, some one stop him.

Andy is standing in a corner, wishing he was still dressed as a Quality Street tin, Roger and Nick have artfully arranged themselves on the stairs.

John is still trying to dance, sort of. The camera mercifully pans away.

Simon's still climbing those stairs, but the triangle has gone! Replaced by a cubey thing. The one off the cover of the single.  Must mean something. Not sure what. Remind me later, I'll try to get you an answer.

Whoa, hang on! We've gone on location. London! Lots of men in bowler hats looking at paper charts (maybe the one drawn by the boy). Simon looks puzzled. I know how he feels.

There is a shot of a dog eating something from a briefcase. Seriously, what the hell does that mean? Really, I need help here.

Nice telekinesis from Simon with that glass orb though. Classy physics defying action there.

There are also shots of the all-London Synchronised Times Crossword team. Simon seems spooked (nice dolly-zoom shot there, just like the one in Jaws).

Mad people running after little boy with red ball while men in hats measure trees, erm..... They find the Magical Pyramid which shows only images of Simon and his clone army. It had been hidden by trees and branches, now it has been uncovered what will become of us?

That kids is still running off with that ball, and there is a magic line which makes people disappear. Love the funny shot with the man's legs. Classic. Simon looks, well, constipated, to be honest.

OK, the middle 8 is over, time to get into some serious band montage sequences now. Lots of the band pretending to sing, lots of Simon waving his arms about, no sad old men near giant tables, surprisingly little coloured sand.

Many, many shots up the band's collective nostrils. Actually, does Andy look a bit Bowie in this one too?

Intercut are scenes of men measuring things and scenes from the Sri Lanka shoot. Including the bit where Simon gets dumped in Save a Prayer. Ha!

Ending this we have the honey shots, Nick, looking earnest.

John looking like Sam the Sheepdog from those Warner Brothers cartoons.

Andy, giving it some (shame about the hair in the gate, again!)

Roger, looking like he'd rather be on Mars than having to do the pretend singing bit.

Finally Simon, giving it 10% Le Bon.

So what did we learn?

Nothing, other than despite the nonsense, this is a video that works. You see lots of the band and the song is very good. What more do you want?

By the way, the answers to the questions were:

Q. What does the red pyramid symbolise?
A. No idea.

Q. What does the red ball symbolise?
A. No idea.

Q. What does the cubey thing symbolise?
A. No idea.

Hope I helped.

Next we get to go crazy. Yes, it's Union of the Snake time.

Woo-hoo!