I do like this song. I really like the video. It's just not the fun filled action-packed romp that we are used to.
Anyway, I shall make a brave attempt and I promise I will not have any impure thoughts whilst writing this essay.
The Chauffeur is one of two non-single tracks on Rio to appear on the 1983 video-singles album. Given that the other one was the abominable 'Lonely In Your Nightmare', you may think this doesn't bode well. You'd be wrong.
None of the band appear in the video at all. And it's in black and white. However, this was directed by Ian Emes, who worked with Pink Floyd on 'The Wall' amongst other things, so have faith. This is a cracker.
We start off by seeing a nice brunette lady being driven around by a chauffeur in a large old car. I think it might be a Daimler, but I'm genuinely unsure and if someone could correct me if I'm wrong, I shall be ever so contrite. Just like I was about the scarfy-thing-cummerbund mix up.
Anyway, nice car and lovely cinematography. Great shots of, well, roads and stuff. I'm not even being sarcastic, it really fits the mood of Nick's glorious sequencer work. I love tape-echo effects.
The lady has forgotten to get dressed properly. She remembered her jewellery and gloves. She didn't forget her undergarments and her stockings, but she did forget her dress. Careless beginners error, in my opinion. Never mind, she's all narrow-eyed and sultry.
I'm not sure she's very comfortable, she seems to have some discomfort in her chest. I wonder if she has heartburn?
It speaks volumes for her abilities as an actress that she can hold her head up when wearing earrings of such magnitude. Mind you, I hope her destination is heated, as she'll catch her death without a coat.
THIGHS!
Sorry, did I say thighs. Not sure why that popped into my head at all. Must apologise.
The chauffeur in question is clearly having a good old perv at the lady in the back of his car. He's not even being subtle. How do you get a job as a Chauffeur? Does it pay more than my job? I'll have to look that up.
Woah! New lady! Blonde, miserable looking, wearing a mesh top. She has aparently abruptly woken with a nasty case of heartburn. She should try some Ompeprozole, it'll stop that happening. She is also fond of stroking her own thighs. This video has everything. I luuuuuuurve it....
I can't help thinking that her outfit is remarkably impractical as day or night wear. No wonder she woke up eith heart-burn.
Blonde lady has a collection of broken mirror fragments. I understand this was a popular hobby in the early eighties, supplanted finally by the tamagotchi.
The brunette lady is making sure her piece of broken glass stays safe and sound by kissing it. This is obviously a risky thing to do, and I must say kids, don't try this at home. These ladies are trained professionals.
So is the driver, he's managing to keep his mind on the driving, his hands on the wheel, and he's keeping his snoopy eyes on the road ahead, whilst she's having fun, sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with her piece of glass and her own thighs.
Again, health and safety rules seem to be flouted by the brunette lady. She has unwisely covered the floor of the limousine with spheres of various sizes. This must constitute a serious slip-hazard on vehicle entry or egress, their insurance premiums must be through the roof.
The brunette lady really seems to be suffering with her digestion. Anyway, back to the blonde lady. She's changed out of her mesh top (A-BOO!) and into some nice lacy underwear (Hurrah!) and she's putting the finishing touches to her stockings. Slowly. In front of several large mirrors. In black and white.
More thighs, more stroking only this time, we get a bit of calf action, nice. I really do like this video a lot. Apart from the misery of heartburn, of course, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Well, the blonde lady has finished putting her underwear on and is ready for a nice evening out. I'm assuming she's going to put on a nice dress and a long coat, otherwise she may look a bit underdressed for most restaurants I know of. I hope her tummy is feeling better.
Ah, there she goes, walking along in her nice coat. I can't wait to see what pretty frock she chose to go underneath it. As long as it's not gingham, she should be fine. Gingham should never be worn with ear-rings like that.
The ladies are clearly heading to meet up somewhere, probably because one of them has got some ant-acid tablets. They both clearly need some by the look on their faces. Although, it might be a bit embarrassing for brunette lady, as she forgot to get dressed properly, but maybe blonde lady can lend her a coat.
Blonde lady appears to have just crossed Westminster Bridge. She's walking along the Victoria Embankment (part of Joseph Bazelgette's grand sewerage scheme) and carelessly bumps into a short chap in a flasher mac and beret combination. So, another first for Duran Duran, getting Benny Hill to do a cameo like that. Nice work and a courageous artistic choice.
She's wandered off into the tube station (either Embankment or Westminster, not sure which) and then into an underground car park, the same one that brunette lady has arrived in.
My they look pleased to see each other. They must have both had heartburn for some time now. Lay off the the doughballs at Pizza Express, they get me every time. Never mind that now, I just can't wait to find out what that blonde lady has chosen to wear under than lovely Burberry trench-coat. Brunette lady certainly can't wait to get her hands on those Rennies.
Oh dear. Well, this is a bit awkward. It appears that she has also forgotten to wear any form of reasonable outer garment. In fact, the brunette lady is slightly overdressed by comparison.
I'm sure the chauffeur chap will be able to lend a hand. He'll probably donate his coat or something to assist the ladies in distress. Seriously, you'll never get a table at Pizza Express dressed like that. Don't even try. They get all cross and threaten to call the police.
Hang on, wasn't he a bloke just now?
Love to know where she gets that hairspray from, that is seriously good stuff. Strong and yet flexible, I'd have killed for that stuff back in 1983. I wound up using a product called Hi-Hair, but it made my head dangerously flammable, which when coupled with the amount I used to smoke back then and the ludicrous Zippo lighter I had, makes it even more amazing that I didn't wind up doing a Johnny Storm impersonation (The Human Torch - Fantastic 4 - do keep up).
Anyway the lovely ladies are having a bit of a dance. It's not a very good dance but they are probably both in quite a lot of pain from thier heartburn. It must be that, mustn't it? I've heard about ladies like this, they are very special friends but nothing more profound than that. The Church says so. It must be right.
There, that nice lady who has appeared from seemingly no-where has taken her coat off to stop the ladies getting a chill. Lovely.
Holy crap-on-a-cracker she's got her jugs out and is doing an interpretive dance.
Ah, there are two chauffeurs, I see. Well now the bloke chauffeur is back, do you think he's going to take all of his clothes off and join in? No, of course not, this is a Duran Duran video, only ladies get semi naked. He's going to watch while the two ladies do their strange arm cycling dance and the lady chauffeur who appeared out of nowhere does an interpretive dance of me resigning from my last job (I wish I had resigned that way, I really do).
And that's really about it. That lady dancing at the end was Billy Idol's long term partner, by the way.
Next we really do have Union of the Snake, I've written a lot of it, but realised this morning I'd forgotten to do this one.
Live Long and Prosper.
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