Occulomency

The band was sha-wady-wady.....

In other news. Bruce Forsyth makes it through another night.

Well, it is possible that he's a sentient golem who was created in a Prague Synagogue, some time in the mid-17th century by Rabbi Judah Loew ben Bezalel (also known as the Maharal), who reportedly created Forsyth to defend the BBC Light Entertainment schedules from the much prophesied coming of the evil Simon Cowell.

Forsyth was well controlled on media outlets until the unfortunate events of the 1973 Miss Anglia TV beauty pageant. When Forsyth saw comedian Lenny Bennett, the excited troubadour reached out to him, asking, "Friend?". Bennett started to scream, rejecting him.

Forsyth dejectedly cried "She hate me! Like others".

As Bennett raced to fellow comedian Mike Yarwood's side, Forsyth rampaged through Norwich and Diss.

Forsyth wrote in his autobiography ("I am a Dancing Twat"):

I told Bennett and Yarwood "Yes! Go! You live!" and turned to my agent, Douggie Brown and said "You stay. We belong dead."

Forsyth reportedly shed a tear as Bennett hissed at him. Forsyth then pulled a large lever to trigger the destruction of the TV Studio and much of Swaffham. All that was left of that dreadful night was a strange tin-foil effigy of Forsyth on a horse and Nicolas Parsons.

Forsyth's role within the BBC seems to be to:

Keep John Barrowman focused (eyes and teeth and JAZZ HANDS JOHN!)

Wave arms about when someone on Stricly Come Dancing either horribly fails, epicly wins, or is getting jiggy

Take the ring to Mordor

Run a shrimp boat with Bubba Blue, and

Untrap Chillien Miners.

 

Other news... I'm in a bit of a quandary. Many things happening simultaneously never make for a settled existence, so I guess I shall have to wait and see what seems to suit best.

paralysed by gloom and fear....

How well the PM knows me...

Mind you, as I have to go to Glasgow and Hamilton tomorrow, I think I have every right to feel a bit gloomy and a tad pessimisitic.

Anyway, let's reject the pessimism. Let's bring on the can-do optimism. Let's summon the energy and the appetite to fight for a better future for our country.

Or we could stay in bed with a pile of Doctor Who magazines featuring Wendy Padbury and a giant bar of fruit and nut.

Hmmm.....

 

The Keymaster

Right so. The residual Family of Blood have sojourned off on their Autumnal Holiday to that great post-nuclear wasteland we call Norfolk.

We have already established that from Norfolk we enjoy few benefits; Lotus Cars, Colmans Mustard and Stephen Fry being the only things that spring to mind.

Anyway, they all got away safely, and after a morning's productivity I decided to hop out to Sainsbury's to get myself some Sushi for lunch.

So I went to where I left my car keys this morning.

Not there.

Not anywhere in Nottinghamshire as it happens. My keys have magically wound up in Norfolk. We are blaming Son of Mine (unless other evidence presents itself.).

So I panicked. I had, as far as I could tell, no car keys, no house keys... No means of getting to places such as Leicester (should I wish to, which I might very well). Well, after a quick scout around I found something which Mazda call a Concierge Key, which allows some access to the car, but not the boot or glove box. It does allow you to open the car, but in doing so it sets the alarm off. It does allow you to drive the car, so I can get to Leicester, should I wish to.

We also had, squirrelled away, a spare front door key. So all is well.

Laugh.... Oh yes....

And my laptop power supply is playing up, so I've had to buy a new one.

Still, Fable II is the dogs bollocks. I needed a prezzy to cheer myself up!

The Connery Paradox

With the imminent approach of Quantum of Solace, it's time to revisit the good, the bad and the unspeakable of the Bond franchise. There are several paradoxes which serve to complicate the "who is your favourite Bond" question.

Lets start with Connery; Doctor No and From Russia with Love were good warm ups for Bond, but with Goldfinger and Thunderball they really found the mark. You Only Live Twice was even better. He made the mistake of returning to the role after a one film hiatus, giving us the second worse Bond film of them all, the untterably shit Diamonds are Forever.

George Lazonby filled in for Connery in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which I like a lot, mainly because of Diana Rigg and the kicking title music.

Then the franchise got Roger Mortis. Live and Let Die was very good, The Man with the Golden Gun was fair, but had certain issues. The Spy Who Loved Me was wonderful, but Moonraker was awful. Not as bad as Diamonds, but close. Then turgidity set in. For Your Eyes Only was pointless, Octopussy was slightly better, slightly. Then comes A View to a Kill. Duran Duran title music, Christopher Walken and Grace Jones. Not a great swansong for Roger.

Next up was the two from Timothy Dalton. The Living Daylights and Licence to Kill. Neither bad, but neither inspired. They were solid action pictures, but not great Bond. The decision to replace style and humour with realism and grit was a serious error in judgment from the producers. Although Benicio Del Torro was amazing as a henchman.

Then the next paradox. Bronsan. Goldeneye was a return to form, the best since The Spy Who Loved Me, then came Tomorrow Never Dies, OK but not great. The World Is Not Enough is not liked by many officianados, but I really like it. Brosnan's best and the best Bond film since You Only Live Twice.

Then comes the bubbling pit of loose stool-water that was Die Another Day. Complete arse gravy of the worst order and a terrible way for Brosnan to leave the series. Awful.

Then we come to the Blonde Bondshell, Daniel Craig. Casino Royale, a major reset for the series and a great Bond film. One of my favourites and a bit of a surprise. Much better than I had hoped for. Here's hoping that Quantum of Solace manages to live up to it's predecessor.

Half-way through the Cherry Ripe Stash.

Yes, I see what you mean about the facial hair.

Still, I'm not sure he is your type.

Right so, as you will have guessed or known or had a divine vision concerning, Occulomency has been on holidays.

To Norfolk.

Norfolk is a unitary authority, apparently. I have no clue what a unitary authority is, so if anyone out there can explain what one is, please feel free to keep the information to yourself.

Norfolk has Broads, but we didn't go near them. By the way the Broads are 12th to 14th Century peat workings. The peat workings were huge, it is thought that some 30 million cubic metres of peat being removed in 200 years. Now this is all quite random and dull, but the reason peat extraction ceased by the 15th century is quite interesting. Climate change caused a significant sea-level rise which flooded the workings. Climate change eh, back in the day.... Hmmm.... So the RX-8 wasn't invented back then, and I presume as the world was very pre-industrial and carbon emmissions must have been tiny, some other natural process must have been involved. Can we all gain some sense of history and just calm down a bit. Maybe.

Sorry, where was I? Norfolk!

Oh yes, so we had a very nice time, and found the best sausages I have ever had the pleasure of eating. Yes, better than Haighs. Norfolk "Rare Breed" sausages from the Samphire Farm Shop at Blickling Hall. Really really good. I'll be flying by there on occasion to get stocked up in an attempt to make the rare breeds even rarer. Yummy.

Also on the food front, if you are in Sherringham, go to the chip-shop over the road from the Sherringham Fish Bar, exceptionally good chips and very nice batter on the Cod. Recommended.

We did some beaching (pebble beaches being preferred by son and daughter of mine, perversly, and Cley being the best).

We went on three steam railways, the Bure Valley, a narrow gauge line from Aylesham to Wroxham, which was very good. The Wells - Walsingham, a narrow gauge line which was crappy, and the North Norfolk line in Sherringham, a standard gauge line which was excellent (traction provided by a WD 9F!).

Did Creake Abbey, which was charming as ever, but also found Binham Priory, which was also lovely, and the amazing Baconsthorpe Castle which was deserted, free and stunning. A new favourite.

So, all in all, a nice break.

Kind regards.

Occulomency.

Oylimpic Rivals

Flanders has just posted about the Olympics. You know Flanders...

Yes, that Flanders (I'll bet that winds up as his Facebook profile pic....)

Anyhoo.... 

I thought I'd post my impressions on these Olympics. It has been quite interesting mainly because, for once, the UK had done quite well. Very well in fact.

The papers have made much of the, and I quote "impending triumph over Australia" and that it has allegedly caused "much woe Down Under".

I presume this has been written by folk who have never lived in Australia.

The real difference is, Britain seems to relish the role of the plucky loser, and is always genuinely surprised to win. Australia knows that it is God's chosen country, and is always appalled to lose, shocked even. It's just not in the national psyche to consider loss as an acceptable option.

Some Australian bloke on the Beeb said "It goes right back to when the convicts were shipped over and this feeling that we've always been seen as convicts. Which is why there's this desire, even now, to show that we've moved on as a country and that we're better than Britain."

Well, having lived in both countrys, trust me, Australia is a better place to live, and it has nothing to do with sporting prowess.

Anyway, it is  good to see Britain finally doing well in sports, we should enjoy our moment in the sun.

Batrachophobia

Edgar Wallace fails spectacularly to jump on Tolkein's bandwagon with this amphibian based romp set in 1920's Middle Earth.

Freddo here has to hop across the Shire in order to get a Ring off a mad bint with a dodgy hairdo.... or something, he looks even less excited than I am.

Really I couldn't be arsed to read the original so why am I going to bother with this shit?

I'll wait for Peter Jackson to make a film about it. Great, frogs with kiwi accents.

It'll probably have that stone faced twat Hugo Weaving in it as well.

Tossers.

Dragnet

Thursday, June 12th. The weather was changeable, but fair in the leafy suburb of Mapperley. But unbeknownst to Occulomency, dark clouds were gathering on the horizon of his conscious world. As his beloved wife went on a blessedly solitary run of nearly 7 and a half miles, he sat downstairs to enjoy an infusion of the leaves of the camellia sinensis and a short round of Tiger Woods Golf 2008 edition on his beautiful 42 inch Sharp Aquos, provided by the ground breaking technology of his X-Box 360 Elite.

There before him was the glittering toy no man can resist, a big screen TV displaying a video game of Golf.

This idyll was too soon shattered by the freezing of the screen and the appearance of a chequerboard obscuring my view of the fairway.

The nice man at GAME in the viccy centre is giving me a new one now, so I'm not too downhearted.

Isn't that a pip?

"I'm the Doctor and you're in the biggest library in the world. Look me up."

If music be the food of love, then is Barry Manilow a chicken McNugget?

The last two Saturday's Doctor Who are possibly the best I've ever seen (it was a two parter),  better than 'Blink'? I'm not sure but it's bloody close. it was the Donna storyline that did it for me, so as not to spoil it for the antipodeans who won't see it for a while I won't go into details, but it was fantastic. undeniable should download these episodes (Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead).

In the mean time, I hope everyone has their supply of chicken wings handy.

One of the major changes for this series has been the new theme music. it was a bit of a shock at first, but I've come round to it and now believe that it's quite funky (but then again I'm unreasonably old now so what the hell do I know?)

Anyhoo.....

It's time to set up the fish tank again. So I've inspected it and it's got a bloody crack in one of the side panels, so I'm going to fix it (or at least attempt to fix it), this will be achieved by:

1) measuring the glass to be replaced (done - 900mm by 250mm by 6mm X2)

2) going to a glass merchant and buying the said glass (I'll do that today)

3) going to a DIY shop and buying silicone sealant & a sharp craft knife

4) using said knife to remove old silicone

5) remove glass

6) clean surfaces

7) put new glass in th'ole

8) silicone it up

9) wait to cure

10) test with fresh water

I'll photograph these steps and report back.

Then I'll take you through the mind bendingly expensive bit of creating a coral bomi in my living room.

Inspiration

I must apologise again, I failed to mention that in the early 1960s, he served as Andy Warhol's chief muse and bottle-washer.