Occulomency

They tried to break us, Looks like they'll try again.

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome, c’mon in…

It’s time. Yes, I insist. We’ve put it off for long enough, we can put it off no longer.
 

It is time for The Wild Boys.
 

Yes, I insist.
 

So, a bit of background.

Duran Duran’s twelfth single, released back in the early autumn of 1984, was obne of their biggest world-wide hits. Now, here’s a bit of information for you. Russell Mulcahy, director of many of the better videos, wanted to do a full length feature film based on the William Burroughs novel, The Wild Boys, a book of the dead. Which sounds fair enough until you actually read the book and realize two things.

1. It’s not that dissimilar to the contemporaneous Mad Max films.
2. It’s unfilmable.
3. It’s not that good.

 

I know I’ve just listed three things there, but I think the third one is worth making. It really isn’t very good, it’s OK. If you like that sort of thing, which I do, but just not enough to really like this sort of thing, if that makes sense.

Moving on. Russell wanted to make a feature film, he suggested that Duran Duran might like to do a soundtrack, much like he did with Queen in his 1985 cult feature Highlander.

n.b. There is only one Highlander film, in much the same way there is only one Matrix film and 2.3 Star Wars films. That is all there is and you’re not going to convince me otherwise.

So, the band started writing and came up with a pretty good song, by all accounts. Mulcahy planned the video, which was meant to be a sort of teaser for the feature film he intended to make.

It was filmed at Pinewood on the 007 sound stage at a cost of over $1,000,000. A staggering amount of money compared to what they spent on the Sri-Lanka/Antigua videos. Was it worth it? Well, the feature never got made and it must be doubtful that they made their money back on the video, but yes, yes it was worth it.

Today we are looking at the single version of the video, not the one that appears in Arena, an Absurd Notion. I will do Arena, but I really need to psych myself up for actually watching it.

Anyway, we begin.

The scene is a dusty, bluish grey-scale space with 50 or so desks, arranged in an off-set grid pattern. Six people are sitting in apparently random positions as the thumping drum beat starts. This gets them all riled up and they start chucking things about in the first 4 seconds of the video.

It is probably a circus school with a poor disciplinary record, judging by the willful and wanton destruction of property and the fire-breathing. Yes, fire-breathing. What of it? You are telling me you never breathed fire in a dull history lesson? No?

Oh.

By the way, I used to upset my headmaster (Mr Christopher W Redwood, G.T.C.L.. L.R.A.M.) by reading the communist party manifesto in English lessons, he objected to my politics and so to mollify him I took to reading Mein Kampf. He  never really understood my sense of humour.

Well, here comes someone in a big cape which is being blown artistically to the left of the screen by a fortuitous gale. As he walks closer, we get to see tantalizing glimpses of scaffolding. If scaffolding can ever really be described as tantalizing. I think, perhaps, it cannot.

Mind you, he can breath fire too, monochrome fire, ‘tis true, but fire none the less. We are in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen, a treat. We are only a headband away from Duran Duran perfection; I can feel it in my waters. All we've got to do is work out what is going on. Easy, we are experts at this game now, aren't we?

OK, there’s a weird robotic head thing. It is breathing fire at a television screen that apparently has a cameo appearance by Chef/Actress/Musician/UKIP politician (in no particular order) Rusty Lee. Is it really her? It really does look like her, but my on-line searches have, alas, come up with nowt.

As an aside, a million dollar budget(best Doctor Evil impersonations please) and that crappy nodding head is the best they could do? REALLY? I reckon at least $999,000 must have been spent on ‘special powdered supplies’ for the cast and crew. The must have been snorting something to think that the nodding rubber head was fit for purpose.

While we’re at it, what’s with the fire-breathing? What the hell has that got to do with anything? I’m only  24 seconds in and already I’m baffled.

Moving on.

Someone is approaching, flexing his be-gloved hand, although the glove is missing some fingers and would not pass BS EN 374 (Standard for Safety Gloves) so I hope he’s not going to do any work with chemicals.

Rubber head is nodding away to his TV screen.  Ah... I've got it! This entire video is a homage to the Channel Four programme Count Down. You can see the clock ticking away whilst rubber head does a more than passable impersonation of the late and great Richard Whiteley.

Rusty Lee is obviously meant to be Carol and the painted man with Animal stenciled across his heart is the cute one from dictionary corner. Simon and John are seen in their Reflex era garments miming away to the song in front of a curtain onscreen.  They are the contestants. Now I get it. But they haven’t shown us what the letters are yet?

Well, there’s all sorts of shenanigans going on in the countdown studio today. Scaffolding, painted men and ladies, fire-breathers and that man with a cloak. No wonder Rubber Richard Whiteley is looking so confused. I’m sure it will all become clear when we can see what the letters were.

We are getting a few shots of the contestants, John, Andy and Simon but there’s no real way of telling what they had scored as yet. We have started a very long tracking shot towards, wait for it, scaffolding!

If this is the dystopian future of mankind, it would appear that the business to get into is that of scaffolding, as it appears to be the primary method of constructing everything in this sore, afraid, new world. Well, scaffolding, beautifully torn curtains and metal pyramids.

Holy crap on a cracker!

It’s like the Wizard of fracking Oz, only with more makeup, fewer muchkins and more semi-naked dancers.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, colour has arrived, along with painted acrobats and flame throwers. Does this mean we are going to get a shed-load of Dance-Fighting? I do hope so!

So, it’s time to see what words the contestants have come up with. Rubber Richard Whiteley obviously is a bit cross in this extreme edition of the sleepy afternoon game show for the venerable. He’s deployed his minions and tied Simon to a windmill.

It’s not a very good windmill though. In fact it fails in all most all aspects of windmillery. Here are some problems.

1. It’s indoors. There is less likely to be wind indoors.
2. It dips the tip of each blade (or sail) into the water during its rotation. This increases resistance and lowers its efficiency.
3. It is not connected to any visible milling apparatus.
4. It’s got a Le Bon strapped to it.

 

Even Windy Miller, the perennially pissed miller of Camberwick Green would have balked at this, although Rod Hull and Emu may have stolen some of these ideas for their Pink Windmill show.
Simon is being tortured for not really coming up with any good words, his head is being dipped in the water frequently and he is singing in defiance of Rubber Richard Whiteley’s attempts to defeat his indomitable spirit. But it’s indomitable, so he won’t be able to.

Aside: Rumour has it that Simon nearly drowned filming this. Nonsense, you can see he’d only have to lift his head slightly to avoid getting wet at all.

Although can you imagine how many takes they insisted on doing? I bet it was more than a few. "Sorry Simon, love, we need to get that again, the camera didn't quite get the bit where you head was completely submerged in the brackish water..."

Simon has both his arms free, which begs the question: Why doesn’t he untie himself instead of waving his arms about singing about how bloody great it is to be wild?  Answer – erm…

I do like the bit where the camera’s rotation is synchronized with the windmill’s though. I really, really like that shot.

It’s a bit brilliant.

Whiteley’s strange painted, horned minions are approaching. Nick, who was obviously in Extreme Dictionary Corner is imprisoned in a cage surrounded by his books and computer type stuff. Nick is in bejeweled Leather. Why doesn’t this surprise us? He’s trying to work out whether Simon’s word is valid. I don’t know, but I bet Simon’s word was ‘PIES’. A minion passes him a small pie and backs away. Nick looks impressed or constipated.

There’s a lot of Whiteley’s minions giving Simon a complicated hand-jive representation of the internationally recognized symbol for ‘Up-Yours’. One is doing a passable impression of Mick Jagger doing the funky chicken (I believe that’s effectively the limit of Jagger’s talents anyway).

Let’s see how John got on. He is strapped to an automobile and it seems he came up with two words, ‘CARS’ and ‘GIRLS’. Both are acceptable but not high scoring. Minions bounce over Nick’s head as he struggles to keep score.

A Hang gliding minion who looks a lot like Martin Gore from Depeche Mode whizzes about the place as the dance fighting truly kicks off. Dance-fighting is one of my favourite things. It’s brilliantly crap and a completely ineffectual way to settle disputes of any nature unless you are deciding a 'who does the best jazz-hands' contest between Bruce Forsyth and John Barrowman.

This is also the best dance fighting on any music video ever. Choreographed by Arlene 'sacked for not being a simpering camp twat' Phillips, it has every dance fight cliché in the book and then some.

The minions are becoming increasingly agitated as it turns out ‘PIES’ was not a winning score for the Le Bonster. Off the Windmill and into the jaws of the sea-monster for you then Simon.

What does the sea monster signify? It signifies fame, man... Yeah, like fame is like totally the monster, right... Heavy...

Andy Taylor is strapped to a busty figurehead. Frustrated at not even being allowed to run about on the scaffolding, he is reduced to swatting at passing minions with a guitar.

Roger is in a sort of strange micro hot air balloon thing. Let’s just leave that there shall we?

Simon escapes from the sea monster thing and fends off the minions with a clenched fist.

The fight dancing has stopped, it has been replaced by formation dancing. Exciting.

Simon reaches out the hand of friendship to one of Whiteley’s minions and the boys are treated to a good, old fashioned tickertape parade to celebrate John’s victory over Simon in the futuristic extreme Count Down competition. John wins the day and the Count Down teapot with ‘GIRLS’, edging out Simon’s ‘PIES’.

Given that we can assert that the series of letters provided at the start of the game must have been PESGCRLIA, they could have done better with REPLICA GLACIERS or CALIPERS.

The dancing continues as the boys depart the scene, in a vintage car, pouting.

So what can we learn from this?

Sod all.

Art wins again.

Ta Na Na Na

I’m back! Sorry, life got in the way, but happily I have just enough time left over in my incredibly hectic, hellz-a-poppin’ schedule to bring you this, my latest dissection of Duran Duran’s video output from the 1980s.

Today we do their biggest hit, The Reflex.

What do we need to know about The Reflex before we start?
It was their second single to top the UK singles chart, and was their last UK #1. It was also Duran Duran's first single to hit number one on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 (for two weeks) on 23 June 1984 (see 1984 in music), and it was a huge hit internationally.

By the way, the remixes for both the 7" and 12" singles were done by the legend that is Nile Rodgers, of Chic fame, so he is responsible for the frankly astonishing 12” Dance Mix which features in the Arena (An Absurd Notion) concert video I will cover this in the weeks to come.

 

 

The video was shot during the Sing Blue Silver tour at Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto, Ontario, so them’s Canuck’s dancin’ in them isles.  Russell Mulcahy is back in the helm for this one. I've kind of missed him, I know we've had lizard people and light-sabre waving horsemen, but nothing says Duran Duran like Russell Mulcahy and his crazy antics. Well, I say that, you actually need headbands, pretty ladies and Simon over acting and doing that crazy intense stary thing he used to do.

Having said that, this is a concert video, so there probably isn’t that much to say really. Like most videos of the oeuvre (do you like that word? I like that word, I’m going to use it a lot next week) it concentrates on giving the fans a good view of their favourite band members, so lots of honey shots of Simon & John and lots of happy bouncing fans.

So we start with some electronic noise, backing singers doing the ‘Ta-na-na-na’  bit  and some interestingly lit completely hairless models superimposed on the big video screen suspended like the sword of Damocles over the stage. We also get some shots of Simon illuminated by a slit-lamp, like in those early videos like Planet Earth and Careless Memories (Just like Angelica Houston in Addams Family Values). Good pouting from the Le Bonster and he’s doing that intense crazy eye thing again. I wonder why-eye-eye-eye (I'll stop that right now) they told him to stop doing that? It looks great, Simon, really.

So, to sum up the intro:

• Static
• Chains
• Swift blow to the solar plexus
• Simon's eyes.
• Into the concert (nice jump guys).
• And the crowd go wild.

Simon is wearing one black glove, I assume been shot by Boba Fett whilst trying to rescue his twin sister from Jabba’s sail barge.

One other thing, Simon. How many belts do you need to keep those trousers up? It looks like you are wearing about seven.

We get our first look at Nick, his Fairlight CMI II and his Jupiter 8. Nice. We also see Roger. We don’t get to see much of Roger, so cherish this moment of drumming goodness.

Simon’s pointing and looking cross. He’ll cross that bridge when he finds it, AND NOT BEFORE!

Now, Andy’s hair. That is the most extreme mullet this side of Billy-Ray Cyrus. It is a crime against mullets, really. I know he takes himself fairly seriously these days, but he should be shown this mullet regularly in order to remind him why he had trouble being taken seriously after he left the band.

Simon seems to be mocking the Geordie guitarist with his ‘Why-eye-eye-eye-eye don’t you use it?’ singing. Cruel, but strange. It is rumoured tha t the band wanted The Reflex to be the lead single from Seven and the Ragged Tiger, but their label didn't like Simons singing during the "why-eye-eye-eye don't you use it" segments. What did they know? Eh? Labels.... Pffft... (and so forth).

We are getting glimpses of John at this point, but not the full effect. A shame because the full effect of John here is quite stunning. We also get glimpses of the backing singers and the percussionist (Raphael De Jesus) but very, very little Roger. Poor Rog. Rog sad....

We do get the classic John – Simon – Andy line up across the front of the stage, and some pretty crazy split screen editing thrown in to boot. Nice, it’s like proto-stereographic mullet-watch. I bet Kate Humble is developing a Mullet-Watch Live programme for BBC as I write this (Joke for the UK based only, I’m afraid).

Great weird-ass dancing from John there during the funny synth-drum solo thingy.  As an aside, producer Ian Little spoke about the sound Nick Rhodes came up with on his Roland Jupiter-8 keyboard:  

"...whenever I hear that steel-drum part it always brings a smile to my face because it's so out of tune. Steel drums always are, but it was exactly right in terms of rhythm and tone. So a wood-block sound was mixed in to make it even more percussive and, successfully, it did the job." 

Thanks Ian. That’s great.

In the run up to the chorus, we get Simon dancing and jumping.  You know that star jump that they freeze frame there didn’t really end well, don’t you? Watch Sing Blue Silver for the raw footage, it’s funny. Though admittedly, probably not for Simon. Or the stage. Or the peoples of the Pacific rim whose lives were destroyed by the ensuing tsunami.

So Chorus – Dancing fans, Dancing John wearing nylon curtains straight from the pages of the 1983 Littlewoods Catalogue and, incredibly, a garter, pouting Nick, drumming Roger, mulleted Andy and frowny intense Simon. This video just lacks something, it is funny, but there isn’t a plot. There’s no hook to get you involved. There’s only the passing flash frame of a back-lit poster-painted nipple to keep you engaged.

So, we hit a section of shots of Nick, John and Roger having a pout-off. John wins from Nick in second place and Roger a distant third. Kudos to Nick for the shoulder action, though.
Simon is being lit by blue lights, so he does a little twirl! Right there, on the spot. And he claps. Isn’t he sweet. By the way, does anyone have the faintest notion as to what the hell this song is on about? It makes Nik Kershaw seem coherent (almost).

OK, we hit the next chorus and get to the stammering  Geordie bit (‘why-eye-eye, wh, wh, why-eye-eye’). It’s a bit underwhelming, there’s painted, well-lit bondage models, chains, sadomasochism and a dancing Simon, but no real reason for it.
The crowd seem very happy though.

Hang on, the screen’s going fuzzy and a painted man covered his eyes. The fans do the same, why? Well, remember that tsunami caused by Simon's ill advised jump earlier on, well it’s become a massive computer generated tidal wave which is about to engulf them and kill them all! That’s made them stop their dancing.

The effect when it hits the crowd is similar to having a small cup of water drizzled on them from a medium height. A bit underwhelming, really, much like the rest of the video. And that’s it, it’s never mentioned again, never referenced, in no way does it appear again in any form. SO WHY WAS IT THERE, RUSSELL?

It just fades out after that. God knows why. 

One last quick question. What is Simon doing in ths shot?

I’m sorry, just let me off this one (keep saying that), I’ll do Wild Boys next. That’s funny and weird. It’s even got Rusty Lee in it.

Le Bon's Magical Haircuts

I received the following from one of Occulomency's readers:

"Tech question. In "Hungry like a wolf" why does Mr Le Bon have bright yellow hair under his hat for some of the video and not for the rest? I'm glad he did keep it under a hat because it looked pretty tragic ... just wondering, you obviously have the answer."

I think I covered it well enough in my post Straddle the Line, because basically, I don't know.  However, I guess this begs the question: "can Simon's hair ever look truly tragic?"

Well, lets find out.

Exhibit A:

Not so bad. I tried this look back in 1973.

Obviously I had a much cooler nylon jumper, though. Result: Neither of us look 'Tragic'

Exhibit B:

Hmm, not a bad haircut, but I'm not sure about the sunglasses. I'm really not. Mind you, I'm not one to talk. I have sported unsual accessories myself on occasion.

I'm saying not tragic, more unfortunate and that's down to poor accessorizing.

Exhibit C:

Erm.... It was 1984. We all looked a bit odd in 1984. I looked like this:

Result: Not tragic, more a product of the times.

Exhibit D:

Ah. That's not good, is it? He has my sympathy.

Holy crap on a cracker.....

Result: Tragic, happy now?

Simon, if you read this, here's a quick fix for those very bad hair days:

It's 'The Reflex' next time. I bet you all can't hardly wait.

You got me coming up with answers, All of which I deny.

Ladees and Jentlemon....

Do you remember Secret Army, on the telly? You know the serious dull version of 'Allo 'Allo that starring Bernard Hepton as Albert Foiret. We named a cat Albert, he was very large, cross-eyed and ginger. The cat, not Bernard Hepton.

My father was incredibly fond of this programme. Still, he was also incredibly fond of the bacon counter at ASDA, but that's a completely different story. I digress.

This video is meant to be similar to that programme, but it isn't. It's so much better, but not necessarily for the obvious reasons.

My theory is Duran Duran decided 'New Moon on Monday' sounded a bit like a spy code word thing, and had themselves cast as revolutionaries, intent on overthrowing an oppressive regime. After all, we've had Simon as Indiana Jones, so what could possibly go wrong?

Well, lets find out.

First of all, in common with many Duran Duran videos, there are oh so many versions, so, so many.

The longest is a 17-minute "movie version" which includes excruciatingly bad dialogue and ham acting set to an extended remix of the song which isn't the 12" Dance Mix (which you couldn't dance to). Although it is particularly funny, it's hardly fair to expect you to sit through it in it's entirety.

This is the shorter version, but not the Dancing on the Valentine one. No, because the Dancing on the Valentine one removes almost all of the Nick's dancing and replaces it with quite good vignettes of the band.

No, you are getting five minutes of Duran Duran at their peak. Andy Taylor in his book is a more than a little scathing of this video. But I think that's unfair. It is irredeemably stupid and pompous, but my God it's fun.

Plus I really love the song, my favourite from Seven and the Ragged Tiger. I wish they played it live a bit more often.

So, the video was directed by Brian Grant, he had previously directed classics such as Olivier Newton John's Let's Get Physical. So we are probably in for a treat. The video was filmed in Noyers, Bercy and Paris, France when it was very, very cold, so I am given to understand.

We kick off with a French actor, obviously rehearsing for a play.

Simon walks up and the French Actor narrates a little tableau. In French it sounds quite good, artistic, even. But when you get your grandma to translate it for you, you find it says:

"Ladies and gentlemen, how are you doing? Welcome here tonight to see the strangest, the most beautiful show on earth. Hey you, you know this, right? Let us go see the wedding. Let's go see the baroness, the newlyweds, the mistress…."

Simon looks on in an almost otherwise otherwise deserted theatre. I say almost, there area couple of nasty evil not-a-nazi-but-obviously-a-nazi guards, also sporting natty little logos, but this type all tough and swordy. They are clearly malevolent but also seem to be under the control of a very pretty lady. She has noticed Simon.

What I really love though is Simon's badge. It's a sort of "not a swastika but still a symbol that's obviously meant to mean something as it's appearing on all branding for the Album and the subsequent singles" thing that I would have as a tattoo if:

a) I didn't have a significant needle phobia, and
b) Tattoos of symbols depicting your favourite band on middle aged, middle-class men never fail to attract derision.

Simon gets his papers checked, whilst pretty lady slips away. If that is a secret rebel symbol on Simon's jacket, he's taking one hell of a risk actually  displaying it, don't you think? If I was involved in a secret organisation that was probably illegal and subject to repression, I would:

a) assume that the organisation was known to the oppressive regime as such regimes tend to have well developed domestic security networks
b) not advertise my membership of said organisation by wearing a badge.

Maybe that's just me.

This bit is a little confusing, Simon has his papers taken off him by the nasty evil not-a-nazi-but-obviously-a-nazi guard who beckons him to follow. So you are thinking long term incarceration and imprisonment for Le Bon, but no. Simon is lead into a dark passageway behind the theatre where he spots the pretty lady on a motorbike.

So, is Simon on the side of the nasty evil not-nazis-but-obviously-nazis? I would not have thought that likely.

 Simon gets on the back of the motorbike and off they go.

It's dark, misty and slightly sepia toned. The nasty oppressors are beating the shit out of some poor bastard by a push-bike. We are in France, remember, so he probably was found to be outside, after dark, without a beret, stripy sweater and string of onions.

Sorry, I must try harder to avoid national stereotypes, mustn't I?

Anyway, Roger gets into an old Citroen. He's not going to be going very far then.

The oppressors are seen beating Banksie with a stick. In fairness, I'm beginning to come round to their way of thinking.

Nick has an underground lair. It was only a matter of time, was't it? I'm only slightly surprised that he didn't locate it in a hollowed out volcano. Sadly, it's in an old cellar. He is passing boxes of stuff to John who is wearing a magnificent coat. I'm partial to a coat. Oooh, the stuff in question has been thoughtfully marked by Nick as 'Explosives'. Cool, there's going to be one hell of a big explosive payoff at the end of this video then. You wouldn't spend such efforts on setting all this up without having an awesome pyrotechnic display, would you?

No.

Why John has decided to use a horse and cart is a bit beyond me, because I would have though such an anachronistic mode of transport would actually attract attention in a world which uses motorcycles and old Citroens. Anyway, I'm not one of these creative types, so what would I know?

It's good to see him use the correct pulling away from the curb procedure.

Andy is printing leaflets, Roger has dropped into the underground lair to  say hello, which is nice. These leaflets, they bare Simon's symbol, the words 'This Time La Luna" (displayed at the same time Simon sings it, very slick boys, very slick) and a monochrome stylised image of what appears to be a kite and a crescent moon, set against a moody sky.

You have to hope that the kite is a red herring, don't you? We want the explosives.

Simon goes blasting off down a tree lined avenue while unfeasibly fast clouds billow overhead. It's a bit post-nuclear, this image. Anyway, we are soon distracted by some helicopter shots of Simon & pretty lady  racing along a country lane on the motorbike. Simon does a single arm raisy thing, but obviously it makes the bike wobble and they sensibly stop such antics at once.

Roger and Andy manage to socially engineer themselves past the oppressing guards. These guards are shit. Roger and Andy look totally suspicious and although the guards, being ruthless oppressors, could search them, they don't bother. I would search anyone wearing red boots in these circumstances. Nice to see the oppressive regime have put out flags and braziers though.

Simon arrives on the bike, Nick and John arrive on the horse and cart. Yes, folks, Nick Rhodes driving a horse and cart. Amazingly, this is the strangest thing we'll see Nick do in this video. Under normal circumstances, Nick driving a horse and cart would be worthy of much ridicule, but not here. Here it merely raises an eyebrow.

Have you noticed that John and the horse have gone to the same hair stylist?

We can only imagine how much Nick hated doing this. He may be in France, but he's in rural France, driving a horse and cart. Do the maths.

Anyway, Nick and John leave the horse and cart containing the much anticipated explosives unattended while useless guards mill about the place. It's like the band had watched 'Allo 'Allo and though - we could make a really cool video about this, and then realised they actually couldn't. Great matching scarf and gloves from John though, and kudos to Nick for pretending to care about horses. Not so sure about his coat, however.

Anyway, the band and the pretty lady (she is stunning) meet in a cafe to discuss their plans. Simon really needs to take that badge off. Someone will notice, surely? That shifty looking old lady for a start.

The band go out onto the street with pretty lady and start surreptitiously distributing the leaflets we saw Andy with earlier. They are certainly planning something. The problem is, they are not being terribly discriminating as to whom they give the leaflets too. I'd assume that at least a portion of the local populace are collaborating, and so between the ham-fisted handing out of printed materials and the badge Simon is wearing, I would have expected even the most useless guards to have twigged something was afoot and picked up the band by now.

Somehow I find it comforting that the regime has not started rationing hair gel or peroxide. Maybe it was the threat of this that kicked of Duran Duran's insurrection. We will never know. Still, it's always funny to get a screengrab of Simon looking constipated, isn't it?

How the hell did these useless bastards get to be in charge of the cheese eating surrender monkeys? Hang on, I've answered my own question haven't I?

Did I slip into national stereotyping again? Sorry, I must not do that. It is rude and not funny, big, grown up or clever.

Anyway, the clouds go all fast and weird again and a badly superimposed moon appears unconvincingly. It's a bit like watching Scooby Doo meets the Nazis, only with less convincing acting.

Well, it's night time again, pop fans. The all-France formation lamp swinging team is out practicing while Roger and Andy go and play with a kite, John and Nick park the horse and cart. It's hard to see how this can end well, isn't it?

Remember kids, Duran Duran are trained professionals. They are able to open boxes marked 'Explosives' with a sodding great big axe without excessive risk of blowing themselves and half of France to kingdom come. Don't try this at home.

Roger and Andy have launched the kite from the top of the town church's tower. It's a magic kite. It shoots lightning.

I really can't think of anything to say about that. Who came up with that bright idea and why weren't they told to leave the creative meeting immediately and never come back?

Simon runs in to help with a flag. Following by oppressed masses carrying flags. You see all you revolutionary types out there in the internets, all you need to do to overthrow an oppressive regime is have flags.

The magic lightning kite is apparently getting it's magic powers from the moon. Lightning from the moon is travelling to the kite and being distributed down into the town square. To what end I hear you ask. no idea I am forced to reply

OK... The riot police have turned up. On horseback. Carrying light sabres. Yes, light sabres. So this means, by my logic, the oppressive forces actually are Jedi and Duran Duran are representing the evil Galactic Empire. I've been supporting the wrong side all these years....

But it's OK, John and Nick brought lots of explosives... Oh wait, no, they went down to the local paper shop and picked up some fireworks.

Anyway, the rebels and the light-sabre equipped riot police seem to be engaging in a gigantic bout of tarting about in a market square. It's not conveying 'rebellion' to me.

Simon is holding off an entire mounted brigade with a flaming stick. So, in Duran world, flaming stick trumps light-sabre. If that's the case, Duran Duran gigs of the 1980's where everyone held up lighters during save a prayer must have practically constituted a weapon of mass destruction.

Andy holds his arm aloft in triumph. Probably happy that for once, he's not limited to running about on scaffolding. John and Nick have got sparklers, so the forces of democracy are bound to win out over oppression. If only Che Guevara had access to sparklers....

The sparklers have frightened off the riot police, the town is free! The oppressive regime has fallen, through the power of magic kites and sparklers. Oh now is the time to celebrate. Now is the time to rejoice, rejoice.

We move into a phase of this video which is beyond belief. It contains my pet peeve, band members pretending to sing backing vocals, coupled with people who can't dance, dancing.

The shots of the five of them dancing in front of the not-a-swastika firework is hilarious and heartbreaking. It is so very, very wrong. So very, very bad. So profoundly unintentionally funny, yet not the funniest dancing in a Duran Duran related video. No, for that honour, you will have to wait for Arcadia's Election Day.

While the boys dance, the magic kite spits out electricity, the fireworks burn bright, the populace rejoice.

And Nick dances on....

Roger was once asked "if you could go back in time and meet yourself is there any advice you would give yourself and do you think you would listen?"

He responded ".... the dancing at the end of New Moon on Monday!"

As Marlon Brando said in Apocalypse Now: the horror, the horror....

P.S.

Just as an aside, I've been writing this on and off all week, I've watched the video maybe a dozen times in that period, I've only just noticed the fundemental flaw with this video as I'm putting the pictures in.

It's not a new moon, is it? It's a waxing crescent. If it was a new moon, you wouldn't be able to see it.

I Knew This Was A Big Mistake.

One of the problems with watching a lot of Duran Duran videos from the 'Seven and the Ragged Tiger' era is that it starts to give you a slightly warped view of reality. But let me give you some advice, if your version of reality in any way shape or form resembles any part of the following video, call your brain Doctor at once. You really need help.

Simon Le Bon once said: (the album) "is an adventure story about a little commando team. 'The Seven' is for usthe five band members and the two managers and 'the Ragged Tiger' is success. Seven people running after success. It's ambition. That's what it's about."

So this is the level of pretension we are dealing with over the next couple of videos.

I'm not going to cover the version featured on the video EP Dancing on the Valentine, because I can't find a link to it on YouTube, but I wish I could, mainly because I owned it and it's the version I remember best. It also is the silliest, although, in fairness, they are all pretty silly,  just that it's silly with a funky stencilled topping.

No, we are getting the standard one today. You lucky people.

Russell Mulcahy  was slated to direct the "Union of the Snake" video, he conceived it to be the first of a trilogy involving a lost document and subterranean worlds.

Mulcahy was forced to pull out due to other commitments, so Simon Milne had a call from EMI asking if he would fly to Australia to direct the video that was scheduled to start shooting later that week.

Milne knew the band well as he had filmed them in concert and assisted Russell Mulcahy on their "Rio" video and so four days later was directing "Union of the Snake" (information from the always awesome Duran Wiki).

It's a shame the trilogy didn't come off, but it might go some way to explain some of the more weird and seemingly random imagery going on there.

We start with the rugged adventurers, Roger and John, climbing about on a sand dune. They look lost and confused. I'm not surprised, they had been on a six month post Rio bender and suddenly they were spat out onto a sand-dune in New South Wales. Poor confused pop stars. But they better watch out, because they are being stalked by an angry mutant parakeet. Presumably the same one from 'My Own Way', you remember, the one that so amused Nick when it crapped on his Jupiter 8? Well, it appears to have mutated into green beaked lizard man who just lives to dance along to Nick's Fairlight noodlings.

He seems to be sort of proto-vogueing, a green beaked Madonna, only with more humility.

Simon is leading the party, as he should be, and there's a dude on a horse, dressed like T.E. Laurance. Not sure why. Maybe he'll play a really big part later on in the video. That must be it, it's far to explicit and dramatic an image to just chuck in there and then do nothing with.

Disappointingly, there are no headbands in sight on the visible band members, but happily, John is returning to his roots and wearing a scarfy-thing in a manner for which it was presumably never intended. Nice, might try that at work tomorrow. Actually, looking at the day I've got ahead of me, I'd better not. I actually have to wear a suit. I have a proper job, you know.

Looks like Simon is leading from the back. Even better, my kind of leader, our Simon. Great micro-creveat, there Simon. What's that meant to do, exactly? It would seem to me at least, to be a singularly ineffectual piece of cervical attire.

Anyway, moving on. The boys find a knackered Holden Ute at the bottom of a sand dune. There appears to be exciting pipes sticking out of the dune, but as they investigate the ute, they come across a cadaver. John and Roger look shattered by the news. John is so shattered in fact that he removes the stiff from the passenger seat and has a sit down in the cab. I'm thinking that a body that's stuck in a ute, in a desert is going to smell pretty bloody awful, so I am a bit surprised John took this course of action.

Roger has a sit down outside.

Simon is in better shape. He builds a fire, makes a shelter and drags an unconscious Roger over to the makeshift camp he has created. He goes to check on John in the stinky cab, having not noticed that those exciting and mysterious pipes have started smoking away in an exciting and mysterious fashion.

OK. A rather over made up girl dressed as an old time Cinema usherette  appears. A bit like that shop keeper in Mr. Benn, but with more pouting and sideways glances. And no fez. I like a fez. Fezzes are cool.

John must be deeply unconscious, otherwise he'd have probably tried to shag her. Anyway, Simon does not waste any time trying to work out what the hell she is doing there in the desert, nope. He follows her into a lift. In fairness, he does do a bit of his famous 'I'm confused' face that he learned at drama school. He went to drama school, you know.

Now, about this lift. It's a bit, well, wacky in that special Duran Duran way that we have come to love  and respect. Well, Ok, not respect, but love at least.

It's a rather Heath-Robinson affair, made of riveted steel girders, heavy gauge steel mesh and other sturdy materials. Just as well, sitting on the top of the lift is the mutant parakeet boy. Contained within the lift are normal parakeets. It is possible that these are merely the larval stage of the proto-vogueing mutant parakeets. In fact, as there is no other plausible explanation for why the fuck they are being kept in a lift in a desert, lets roll with that thought, shall we?

We have now descended into the underworld. Oh, but what an underworld. It's filled with exciting pipes, chains, scaffolding and steam. And gyrating boys and girls, don't lets forget them. Simon and The Usherette descend into this realm of Cerberus, looking a bit puzzled but he's obviously not worried that he's left his two mates outside in the desert which is known to have killed at least one person in the recent past. I think Simon's been a bit of a bastard really.

A small boy hears the lift coming and opens up the doors to some form of inner sanctum, allowing Simon entrance. Only it's quite obvious that the doors do not form part of a contiguous security barrier, so Simon could just walk around the side of them if he so wished. Poor security design by whoever is in charge of access control for the underworld.

The interior designer did remember to put in a large stain glass window. Underground. Yes, an underground stained glass window. The bloke who put this together must have been, to coin a phrase, 'off his tits'.

The Usherette leads the way past many interesting, exotic and exciting things, including some artistically arranged umbrellas for some unfathomable reason. it is hard to imagine why one would need a arrangement of umbrellas, underground in a desert? This would appear to be incongruous at best and just plain foolish if you are not feeling charitable.

There are also some of the most thread-bare and unservicable tents I've  ever seen with carefully coiffured children living in them. Nope, me neither. Your guess is as good as mine from this point onwards.

Next we see a man wearing white make up and a chequered t-shirt juggling dice. That must mean something, surely? That's far to specific an image not to be expanded on.

The boy leads the way past heavily made up men doing some form of dance. Some girls approach, they look a bit like sort of priestess sort of things, I suppose.

It's Nick! Reading a some parchments, by candlelight, in front of some tailor's dummies. He's talking to someone, but I'm not sure who it is or why he is surrounded by tailor's dummies. There are many, many things that I'm not sure about regarding this video. It's almost as though the director just strung a load of images together that look expensive and sort of interesting rather than trying for any form of narrative. But that can't be the case. Can it?

I know I've moaned about overly literal videos in the past, but there must be a balance, surely?

By the way, we are over two minutes into this video now and there is one member of the band we have yet to see. That's right, where's Andy hiding?

Nick notices Simon, but doesn't seem to want to engage with him for some reason. The little boy runs away from the sound of the syn-drums. Again, I know how he feels. Nick has found a map, and he's obviously excited about it in his way. I'm not the world's best lip reader, but I think he says "I've got it". I hope he is referring to the map and not a letter from his GP telling him some news from the Genitourinary clinic.

Simon and the Boy get in the lift with the larval parakeet monsters. Dice juggling monochrome man is so disappointed to see this, he stops juggling dice. Poor him.

Nick puts the parchment he was please to find inside a large tube, and he seals it with a big silver bauble.

It is possible that we see Andy here, fleetingly. A bloke in leather trousers, sunglasses and sporting a pony tail is climbing some scaffolding. Andy has always had challenging hair, but this is probably the most conventional hair do he's sported.

The Boy escapes the parakeet infested lift. The smell of bird shit and the probably  even more overpowering  scent of a Le Bon who's spent one too many nights in the desert proves too much for the little mite.

A heavily made up man looks on suspiciously, but at least he is wearing a head band, so we know we are on solid Duran Duran video ground.

Andy appears to be leading the Boy to safety, via the scaffolding. It's not a role that's going to tax him artistically, but I guess it's steady work. Heavily made up dancers hug each other with anticipation, or something.

So, the boy climbs on top of the lift, Simon is still inside with the parrots and a lady gyrates away in front of some parakeets. I'm wondering if there is a single music video in the history of the genre that makes less sense than this.

Oh Christ. I'm not sure there's a name for what the heavily made up men are doing now. It's sort of fighting and sort of just poncing about. You know those really shit films that youngsters like about gangs of youths settling their scores by out dancing each other. It's like that, there must be a word for it, apart from bilge.

They must have liked it though, they go on to do very similar looking dancy-fighting bilge throughout the Wild Boys video.

Hang on, Simon's on top of the lift now. He must have noticed that it was full of birds, but how did he get there? That lady isn't doing any dancy-fighting, but she is a top class pouter. She could probably rival Nick in the pouty face stakes. Crazy hair too, but not lovely sexy crazy hair like the lady in the video-singles version of the Lonely in Your Nightmare video, just plain old Medusa crazy.

More dancy-fighting by the denizens of the underworld. It looks like an out-take from Zoolander now. Simon escapes the madness by climbing up a transparent pipe. He reaches the outside, and hosanna! Glorious news! John and Roger are not dead!

They are probably a bit miffed that Simon abandoned them at night in the middle of a fucking desert though. If I was them, I'd drive off.

I think they are going to, as well. But wait, what's this? Purple fireworks and that dude on a horse again. Even Simon notices this rather strange turn of events. Powerful things, fireworks. They can do much more than just look pretty. They can spook horses for a start.

So, Simon gets up and goes towards the pretty fireworks. He's looking surprisingly dapper considering the night he's had. Quite fresh in fact.

Sadly, when he gets to the top of the sand dune, he falls over. Perhaps the fireworks are actually an evil nerve gas, sent by their arch enemies. Spandau Ballet.

Anyway, it's morning, all of a sudden, and Simon wakes up. John and Roger have followed my advice and buggered off with the ute (serves Le Bon right in my opinion), so what is our flaxen haired troubadour going to do now?

Well, first off, Simon has apparently found a massive black elephant's dildo.

Oh, wait. It's just that scrolly thing Nick was playing with earlier. Never mind. Ah! That man on a horse!

What! That's it? Simon gets on the back of the horse which very slowly walks off. What about the underworld? Andy? Nick? That little boy? What about the Usherette? What has the last four minutes and twenty seconds meant Simon? You are the lead singer, you are in charge. Explain yourself.

No?

Hrummmph.

Well, Next week I'll look at New Moon on Monday.

I'm sure that'll be much more sensible.

What glass splinters lie so deep in your mind?

I do like this song. I really like the video. It's just not the fun filled action-packed romp that we are used to. 

Anyway, I shall make a brave attempt and I promise I will not have any impure thoughts whilst writing this essay.

The Chauffeur is one of two non-single tracks on Rio to appear on the 1983 video-singles album. Given that the other one was the abominable 'Lonely In Your Nightmare', you may think this doesn't bode well. You'd be wrong.

None of the band appear in the video at all. And it's in black and white. However, this was directed by Ian Emes, who worked with Pink Floyd on 'The Wall' amongst other things, so have faith. This is a cracker.

We start off by seeing a nice brunette lady being driven around by a chauffeur in a large old car. I think it might be a Daimler, but I'm genuinely unsure and if someone could correct me if I'm wrong, I shall be ever so contrite. Just like I was about the scarfy-thing-cummerbund mix up.

Anyway, nice car and lovely cinematography. Great shots of, well, roads and stuff. I'm not even being sarcastic, it really fits the mood of Nick's glorious sequencer work. I love tape-echo effects.

The lady has forgotten to get dressed properly. She remembered her jewellery and gloves. She didn't forget her undergarments and her stockings, but she did forget her dress. Careless beginners error, in my opinion. Never mind, she's all narrow-eyed and sultry.

I'm not sure she's very comfortable, she seems to have some discomfort in her chest. I wonder if she has heartburn?

It speaks volumes for her abilities as an actress that she can hold her head up when wearing earrings of such magnitude. Mind you, I hope her destination is heated, as she'll catch her death without a coat.

THIGHS!

Sorry, did I say thighs. Not sure why that popped into my head at all. Must apologise.
The chauffeur in question is clearly having a good old perv at the lady in the back of his car. He's not even being subtle. How do you get a job as a Chauffeur? Does it pay more than my job? I'll have to look that up.

Woah! New lady! Blonde, miserable looking, wearing a mesh top.  She has aparently abruptly woken with a nasty case of heartburn. She should try some Ompeprozole, it'll stop that happening.  She is also fond of stroking her own thighs. This video has everything. I luuuuuuurve it....

I can't help thinking that her outfit is remarkably impractical as day or night wear. No wonder she woke up eith heart-burn.

Blonde lady has a collection of broken mirror fragments. I understand this was a popular hobby in the early eighties, supplanted finally by the tamagotchi.

The brunette lady is making sure her piece of broken glass stays safe and sound by kissing it. This is obviously a risky thing to do, and I must say kids, don't try this at home. These ladies are trained professionals.

So is the driver, he's managing to keep his mind on the driving, his hands on the wheel, and he's keeping his snoopy eyes on the road ahead, whilst she's having fun, sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with her piece of glass and her own thighs.

Again, health and safety rules seem to be flouted by the brunette lady. She has unwisely covered the floor of the limousine with spheres of various sizes. This must constitute a serious slip-hazard on vehicle entry or egress, their insurance premiums must be through the roof. 

The brunette lady really seems to be suffering with her digestion. Anyway, back to the blonde lady. She's changed out of her mesh top (A-BOO!) and into some nice lacy underwear (Hurrah!) and she's putting the finishing touches to her stockings. Slowly. In front of several large mirrors. In black and white.

More thighs, more stroking only this time, we get a bit of calf action, nice. I really do like this video a lot. Apart from the misery of heartburn, of course, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Well, the blonde lady has finished putting her underwear on and is ready for a nice evening out. I'm assuming she's going to put on a nice dress and a long coat, otherwise she may look a bit underdressed for most restaurants I know of. I hope her tummy is feeling better.

Ah, there she goes, walking along in her nice coat. I can't wait to see what pretty frock she chose to go underneath it. As long as it's not gingham, she should be fine. Gingham should never be worn with ear-rings like that.

The ladies are clearly heading to meet up somewhere, probably because one of them has got some ant-acid tablets. They both clearly need some by the look on their faces. Although, it might be a bit embarrassing for brunette lady, as she forgot to get dressed properly, but maybe blonde lady can lend her a coat.

Blonde lady appears to have just crossed Westminster Bridge. She's walking along the Victoria Embankment (part of Joseph Bazelgette's grand sewerage scheme) and carelessly bumps into a short chap in a flasher mac and beret combination. So, another first for Duran Duran, getting Benny Hill to do a cameo like that. Nice work and a courageous artistic choice.

She's wandered off into the tube station (either Embankment or Westminster, not sure which) and then into an underground car park, the same one that brunette lady has arrived in.

My they look pleased to see each other. They must have both had heartburn for some time now. Lay off the the doughballs at Pizza Express, they get me every time. Never mind that now, I just can't wait to find out what that blonde lady has chosen to wear under than lovely Burberry trench-coat. Brunette lady certainly can't wait to get her hands on those Rennies.

Oh dear. Well, this is a bit awkward. It appears that she has also forgotten to wear any form of reasonable outer garment. In fact, the brunette lady is slightly overdressed by comparison.

I'm sure the chauffeur chap will be able to lend a hand. He'll probably donate his coat or something to assist the ladies in distress. Seriously, you'll never get a table at Pizza Express dressed like that. Don't even try. They get all cross and threaten to call the police.

Hang on, wasn't he a bloke just now?

Love to know where she gets that hairspray from, that is seriously good stuff. Strong and yet flexible, I'd have killed for that stuff back in 1983. I wound up using a product called Hi-Hair, but it made my head dangerously flammable, which when coupled with the amount I used to smoke back then and the ludicrous Zippo lighter I had, makes it even more amazing that I didn't wind up doing a Johnny Storm impersonation (The Human Torch - Fantastic 4 - do keep up).

Anyway the lovely ladies are having a bit of a dance. It's not a very good dance but they are probably both in quite a lot of pain from thier heartburn. It must be that, mustn't it? I've heard about ladies like this, they are very special friends but nothing more profound than that. The Church says so. It must be right.

There, that nice lady who has appeared from seemingly no-where has taken her coat off to stop the ladies getting a chill. Lovely.

Holy crap-on-a-cracker she's got her jugs out and is doing an interpretive dance.

Ah, there are two chauffeurs, I see. Well now the bloke chauffeur is back, do you think he's going to take all of his clothes off and join in? No, of course not, this is a Duran Duran video, only ladies get semi naked. He's going to watch while the two ladies do their strange arm cycling dance and the lady chauffeur who appeared out of nowhere does an interpretive dance of me resigning from my last job (I wish I had resigned that way, I really do).

And that's really about it. That lady dancing at the end was Billy Idol's long term partner, by the way. 

Next we really do have Union of the Snake, I've written a lot of it, but realised this morning I'd forgotten to do this one.

Live Long and Prosper.

 

About as easy as a nuclear war.

This song was the UK number one on my 15th birthday. Very nearly 29 years ago as I write this. Yes, that's right, 29 years.

So, anyone who can still remember this from the first time around is officially past it and should go and buy something beige.

29 years. Bloody hell.

Another Russell Mulcahy video, this one, but very different to the previous few, being mainly studio based and full of Quantel trickery. This video is certainly not a literal interpretation of the song, nor does it feature the band playing instruments. It does however feature my bete noir.

Yes, right from the opening frame. Nick can be seen pretending to sing the opening lines, along with Roger (initially only viewed from the forehead up, for some bizarre reason). It never occurred to me before, but doesn't Nick look very like David Sylvian in this clip?

Anyway, we get a shot of John, pretending to sing and one of Simon waving his arms about in his best 'I've been to drama school' way, and then you get to a strange thing.

If I was a creative type (I'm not) and wished to direct music videos (I don't, being snarky about them is too much fun), I would have lined the band up in the following order from nearest to farthest:

• Andy
• Nick
• Roger
• John

This would mean that we could actually see the whole band in one shot at they gaze meaningfully up at the spotlight pretending to sing. However, the choice was made to go with:

• Roger
• John
• Nick
• Andy

So we get to see Roger's ear, most of John and Nick's orange fluffy fringey thing. An interesting artistic choice, I think you'll agree. Mind you, you do get some interesting low-angle up the nostril shots of the type that Russell Mulcahy made his own.

So, Simon is not with the boys on this one, but they are all dressed the same. Blue shirts with white tucked in ties, black trousers and black suede boots. If you want to know how I dressed when going to nightclubs (I was tall, I got in) around this time, look at this video.

So, we get lots of split screening, similar to "My Own Way", but so, so much cooler. There are exciting orange pyramids, grey steps, breaking glass spheres, floodlights concealed within apertures high in faceless grey walls.

For some reason, the atmosphere of this video reminds me of the 1967 classic TV series The Prisoner, in particular an episode called Once Upon A Time.

Again, Duran Duran are seen to be experimenting with the occult sciences. Simon has been cloned, and Roger gets caught out whilst apparently having a crafty pee in the corner. He is relieving himself without seemingly being distracted by the red ball, bouncing impudently up the stairs in violation of the laws of Newtonian physics when he  suddenly materialises in front of himself. Ah, Roger and his teleportation shenanigans. Will he never learn? Every one knows that you shouldn't cross your own time-stream, you'll blow a whole in the universe exactly the same size as Belgium.

Being in Duran Duran must have been a bit weird at this point, people bending space-time, making clones of each other and teleporting themselves back in time. Rock and roll, kids, but not as we know it.

Simon finds himself in an environment which reminds me of a Braun razor commercial from about the same period. He is singing and acting simultaneously. He looks slightly puzzled, probably trying to work out why Russell Mulcahy has put him in an environment that looks like a highly magnified version of John Majors chin after 3 days growth. It does look kind of good though. I know it doesn't have the glamour of Rio, but I still like it.

The observant amongst you will have spotted the Simon finger pointy pistol thing making a welcome return. Pointy pistol fingers and up the nose shots. Chuck in headbands and we are in for a bumper Duran Duran meme overload.

By the way, I wonder if that elephant from the Sri Lanka shoot has stopped stalking Simon yet, they never forget you know.

Simon climbs the stairs, John plays with a sextant. Here's a hot tip for any of you planning a sailing jaunt. Don't let John be your navigator. That is not how one uses a sextant, it is upside down and John is indoors. Both of these things lead me to believe that John knows nothing about the art of seamanship. Given Duran Duran's record on boats, I'd steer well clear of them when considering anything to do with the life aquatic. Otherwise you wouldn't enjoy Le Bon voyage (too much?).

That red pyramids back though. Must mean something. Not sure what. Remind me later, I'll try to get you an answer.

The lighting is very Morticia Addams again isn't it?

Now, there's a heap of blue sand, some navigational parallel rulers and a projection of the giant glitter spraying flamenco women from My Own Way. What is going on? I'm feeling a bit lost.

OK, Simons doing some on the spot stroll dancing (we'll see more of that later), while a black and white boy holds a red ball in a greyscale wood. That red ball must mean something. Not sure what. Remind me later, I'll try to get you an answer.

Simon does his pointy finger pistol dancing, he does it well. Then he starts asking the concealed floodlight questions. It is a little bit like Once Upon A Time, isn't it? Or is it just me having two obsessions and trying to meld them down into one. It's just me, right? Right.

More of the band pretending to sing whilst Simon emotes. Lots of big gestures from Le Bon. Big, big gestures.

Now, someone is messing about with that pile of sand whilst a projection of a baby watches a projection of children dancing about in Sri Lanka. There must have been a meeting at some point where someone suggested the storyboard for this video, and the band, instead of throwing Roger's drumsticks at the person in question and saying 'bollocks to that, we want to go somewhere with nice weather and pretty ladies' they said 'yes, OK, we'll film this in a shed at a former World War 2 airfield'. Idiots.

Also, why is Roger's shadow projected onto that wall? Was he just hiding in the background and a spot-light caught him off guard? Weird.

Simon's hand gestures are now so profound, the editor has started highlighting them  with handy yellow boxes. Nice work, Mr Editor! Now, there seem to be a load of blokes, in full civil service bowler hats and suits, buried waist deep in a grey room. Simon is there too.

But we don't get time to work out what's going on because it's time to look at a sad old man, sitting in an absurdly large chair and an absurdly large table, covered in pink sand which is being blown about by a mysterious indoor wind. With him is a young boy, who is watching a projection of Sri Lanka on the wall behind him. This must be profound,  surely? I mean, only a mad man would create this sort of image and not have it mean anything.

The little boy is drawing a map though, and I must say he seems pretty good at it.

Just watch Andy Taylor in this next bit. He is having far too much fun. Roger, Nick and Andy are dressed as old-time soldiers. You know, if I could be bothered I could probably find out what army the uniform is based on, but I suspect it doesn't matter and it's nearly tea time and I must crack on. Anyway, the three boys are standing in front of an old time microphone and the have to pretend to deliver the 'You're about as easy as a nuclear war' line whilst making a pointy hand gesture thing. As I say, Roger looks slightly embarrassed, Nick looks angry, Andy looks like he's having a fracking ball, in a camp hand-on-hip sort of way.

Even Simon looks surprised.

The little boy is staring at that red stoney thing. He looks round in surprise too, I don't blame him, that's the first time we've seen Andy happy in a video since he was talking to his hairdresser in Careless Memories. Maybe they should have dressed him up as a soldier more often and given him additional lines to deliver, then he wouldn't have left.

Naked child  next to a computer. There are several very crude and obvious jokes that I'm sure you are expecting me make at this point, but I won't. This video is from an age when showing the arse of a 11 month old child on television didn't raise an eye-brow.

This kid is now about 30.

30.

Think about that.

I do wish I could identify the model of computer though. It would be hilarious if it was a Wang.

More projections of giant glitter-spewing spinning women of yore.

Now we get a shot of the band arranged on steps, helping Simon to deliver the chorus. Watch John. John has no idea what to do with his hands. Simon knows what do do with his, so he waves them about. John hasn't got a guitar to hang on to, so he sticks his hands in his pockets.

But he knows it doesn't look right or feel right so he's made that fatal error, he's taken one hand out of his pocket and he does a bit of a pointy thing with it. It's not up to Le Bon's gesticulatory magnificence though, is it?

Oh, God, some one stop him.

Andy is standing in a corner, wishing he was still dressed as a Quality Street tin, Roger and Nick have artfully arranged themselves on the stairs.

John is still trying to dance, sort of. The camera mercifully pans away.

Simon's still climbing those stairs, but the triangle has gone! Replaced by a cubey thing. The one off the cover of the single.  Must mean something. Not sure what. Remind me later, I'll try to get you an answer.

Whoa, hang on! We've gone on location. London! Lots of men in bowler hats looking at paper charts (maybe the one drawn by the boy). Simon looks puzzled. I know how he feels.

There is a shot of a dog eating something from a briefcase. Seriously, what the hell does that mean? Really, I need help here.

Nice telekinesis from Simon with that glass orb though. Classy physics defying action there.

There are also shots of the all-London Synchronised Times Crossword team. Simon seems spooked (nice dolly-zoom shot there, just like the one in Jaws).

Mad people running after little boy with red ball while men in hats measure trees, erm..... They find the Magical Pyramid which shows only images of Simon and his clone army. It had been hidden by trees and branches, now it has been uncovered what will become of us?

That kids is still running off with that ball, and there is a magic line which makes people disappear. Love the funny shot with the man's legs. Classic. Simon looks, well, constipated, to be honest.

OK, the middle 8 is over, time to get into some serious band montage sequences now. Lots of the band pretending to sing, lots of Simon waving his arms about, no sad old men near giant tables, surprisingly little coloured sand.

Many, many shots up the band's collective nostrils. Actually, does Andy look a bit Bowie in this one too?

Intercut are scenes of men measuring things and scenes from the Sri Lanka shoot. Including the bit where Simon gets dumped in Save a Prayer. Ha!

Ending this we have the honey shots, Nick, looking earnest.

John looking like Sam the Sheepdog from those Warner Brothers cartoons.

Andy, giving it some (shame about the hair in the gate, again!)

Roger, looking like he'd rather be on Mars than having to do the pretend singing bit.

Finally Simon, giving it 10% Le Bon.

So what did we learn?

Nothing, other than despite the nonsense, this is a video that works. You see lots of the band and the song is very good. What more do you want?

By the way, the answers to the questions were:

Q. What does the red pyramid symbolise?
A. No idea.

Q. What does the red ball symbolise?
A. No idea.

Q. What does the cubey thing symbolise?
A. No idea.

Hope I helped.

Next we get to go crazy. Yes, it's Union of the Snake time.

Woo-hoo!

You know you're something special.

On we go with Rio.

This one must be amongst your favourites, right? Of course it is, what is not to like about this video which should be subtitled 'Duran Duran go on a boating holiday and pour a variety of liquids on to a Pretty Lady'?

Lets give you a little background, just in case you are interested.

Filmed in Antigua, at the same time as the Night Boat video, the band were planning to record a straightforward studio based video for this song in London. They had the Anthony Price suits sorted, Andy Taylor was in the UK and the other four were on holiday in Antigua, staying in beachfront rooms having a great time after the rigours of Sri Lanka (yeah, their lives must have really sucked at this point).

Again, get the Classic Albums DVD for a great description of how this video came about, but suffice to say they shipped Andy, Russell Mulcahy, the suits and a film crew to Antigua and decided to make a video or two for their planned video album.

This has to rank amongst the best decisions made by Duran Duran.

On the face of it, this is a straightforward video of five blokes having a bit of a laugh on a tropical island. But I think there are deeper meanings to the apparently facile images.

Who am I kidding?

So, we start off with an interesting series of images of a model (there's a surprise, a Pretty Lady in a Duran Duran video, this will produce tension between John and Simon, I'll be bound) which have been masked to provide the appearance of being taken down a still camera lens. All very slow motion as the intro to the song plays in. At the crescendo, a mirror is shown to break in reverse, repairing itself to show the image of... Pretty Lady.

I reckon the Band must have had shares in the Antigua mirror factory, given the amount they broke when on the island (they broke one in Night Boat too).

As the song gets going, we get a load of fast paced cuts of said Pretty lady, apparently being spied on by Nick, using some binoculars. Many jokes about bird watching were considered at this point but have been rejected as beneath me.

Nick seems to be mainly interested in Pretty Lady's bikini bottoms.

There are some really interesting split screens, wipes and overlaid masking in use, it is a bit like a Quantel commercial.

John seems to be interested in bouncing little balls around. That must mean something. Come to think of it, that capstan must mean something, surely. Anyway, it must be pretty warm wherever they are, as someone seems to be chucking buckets of water around with carefree abandon.

I don't know much about boats, I tend to agree with Nick's oft quoted epigram "I only like boats when they're tied up, and you can have a cocktail without spilling it", but I'm fairly sure that compass shouldn't be moving like that. Is Antigua in the Bermuda Triangle? No? Must just be Duran Duran up to their physics defying magic paranormal activities again.

Pretty Lady apparently has been to an art class, but has forgotten to wear her pinafore so she in literally covered in paint. That is quite astonishingly messy of her. Anyway, fortunately help is on hand to rinse her off using a large bucket of water. Nothing crass about this video, it won a BAFTA.

So, we get nice split screens of Simon in his yellow suit singing along as Pretty Lady stands there, most definitely not dancing on the sand. It is a good job that the literal director of Careless Memories wasn't involved in this video as the results would have been hysterically funny for all the wrong reasons. Just imagine it for a second... There you go...

This video isn't literal though, that ice cream is almost certainly Cornish Vanilla.

Anyway, an absurdly tanned Roger approaches Pretty Lady who is packing a blade (dripping with purple poster paint). In what he hope isn't some form of subtext, he gets a nasty nip from a crab. Pretty Lady is unsympathetic and just pushes the hapless drummer into the waves. I'm thinking she's a bit of a one, this Pretty Lady.

We got to the boat! Is there a more iconic image of the 1980's than Simon on this boat wearing that suit? Obviously this video predates Simon's capsizing antics, otherwise I'm fairly sure this video would have taken place on the back of a transit van in St Johns.

Pretty Lady has been at her art class again and is crawling around the boat, she'll get paint everywhere. Nick will be furious.

There is a great shot of Nick adjusting his make up, only to adjust the mirror to find that Pretty Lady is standing behind him, wearing exactly the same shade of lipstick. That's got to be your worst nightmare. It happened to me once on a night out at Rock City in Nottingham, my girlfriend was wearing exactly the same lipstick and eye-liner as me and she'd crimped her hair as well. We looked like weird androgynous twins. My mum thought I was a bit odd (the use of the past tense is probably superfluous).

Good news, they found paint splatted Pretty Lady and have drenched her in water to clean her off, but I don't like the colour of that water much. I think it's previously been used for another purpose.

The sky has gone all post apocalyptic red. Pretty Lady is sitting on a raft enjoying a white wine spritzer, the underwater butler (possibly played by Andy) hands her a very pink telephone and who do we find on the other end? That's right, Simon. The old dog. The Le Bonster.

Now, Pretty Lady answers her phone before Simon picks up his, which either means she phoned him or she has almost preternatural powers of foresight. Either way, I think it makes what she does to Simon almost unforgivable in the circumstances. You have to admit though, she is a lot more chirpy than the lady with the awesome hair from the last couple of videos. Chirpy but evil.

He's having a very good go at chatting her up on the phone though, which is a quantum leap on Nick's tactics of trying to spy on her arse through binoculars or Roger's strange crab antics. Alas, all of this is to no avail. A swift tug on the telephone wire sends Simon tumbling into the drink. He is nothing if not prepared though, our Simon, he was wearing flippers in case he needed to get over to the raft in a hurry, i.e. Pretty Lady had been pissed enough to say come on over. She wasn't.

Meanwhile John is daydreaming in a hammock, reading the April 1982 issue of that Charlton Comics classic 'Fightin' Army' (issue 157 - I got my copy from e-bay for about £8 from the US, I'm such a fan boy, I disgust myself). He's imagining himself as a member of that self same Fightin' Army, mounting an assault on the beach, only to be confronted by - Pretty Lady's tummy supporting a glass of Champagne. John looks unimpressed, which is odd, I'd have been bleeding delighted to find that instead of an army, the only opposing forces are champagne toting totty.

This having been said, this section marks the moment you know you are in for a great Duran Duran video. Yes, that's right, John is wearing a headband. All is right with the world.

There follows a short course in basic navigation and an informational sequence showing life from the point of view of the bottom of a Jacuzzi. Not sure why.

Pretty Lady has done what many ladies do in the crazy world of Duran Duran, yes, she's turned into a giant. Not that this fact is apparent at first, no, first you see her throw a seemingly normal sized ball for Simon to catch, but it soon transpires that the ball is a massive 10 feet across which would make Pretty Lady at least 365 feet tall by my calculations. You wouldn't want to sit behind her in a cinema. Simon apparently either slips on the banana peel which has been carelessly left on the jetty, or just gets twatted by the giant ball which I think he was hopelessly optimistic in attempting to catch anyway. I'd have just legged it and left Pretty Lady to John. It does look like the tumble Simon took off the end of the jetty really hurt though, he landed pretty hard on his back. Simon suffers for his art, which is ironic because when they released the album Red Carpet Massacre, he made us suffer for it too.

Pretty Lady returns to normal human lady size and  comes to the rescue and hauls in Simon using a fishing net. I bet that chafed.

In an attempt to make himself better, Simon attempts to drink a luridly coloured cocktail underwater. I've tried, don't. You can't do it without drinking a load of salt water and the owner of the pool gets really very angry and asks you to leave. And don't try to explain to him that you are just trying to do a Mythbusters style expose on Duran Duran videos, he won't listen and will look at you as if you are crazy. I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested (although she claims to have regretted not sending me to that specialist in London).

Painted Pretty Lady alert, Nick will be so angry if he finds out she's on the boat. Yeah, I think he spotted her. He's so cross, he goes and  plays the saxophone on a raft. Nick on a raft, like that's going to happen in real life. Did someone go back in time and kill a butterfly? I wasn't even aware Nick could play the saxophone.

Now John's got a saxophone! I'm fairly sure I've never come across him playing that instrument before or since.

Aside: The bit with John playing the saxophone was filmed at Shirley's Heights. Confession time again. I got married in Antigua back in 1995. The only reason this happened was because of the Rio video and in particular this image, which I thought was the coolest thing I'd ever seen when I was 14. I even got my photograph taken at that very spot, a photograph which lived on my fridge for several years. Sadly my wife was not a big fan of Duran Duran, consequently we parted after four years and I have not seen that photograph since. Still, I managed to get my photo taken at Shirley's Heights, which was the objective of the whole exercise and thus made it totally worth it. Hurrah for me!

Back to the video as we see Simon singing away as we see quite cool shots from a speedboat speeding past the yacht. I seem to remember that in some versions of the video, there was a Douglas DC-3 cargo plane badly superimposed on this sequence, but I might have dreamed that as I have been watching Ice Pilots - NWT a hell of a lot recently. Have you seen it? It's brilliant, really makes me want to visit northern Canada.

There follows a sequence featuring the worst wine waiter in the world trying to pour Champagne for Pretty Lady. More spilled bubbly, again not something I can condone.

Next, we see Simon riding a horse along the beach, because it looked cool and he wanted to. OK? If there is any one meaning to be taken from this video it is probably just "It looked cool and they paid us to do it".

There is a truly bizzare shot of Nick, standing waist deep in water fixing his tie in a mirror whilst Pretty Lady lathers herself in pink foam, presumably cleaning up after a heavy painting session with Nick. Seriously, what is going on in this strange universe Duran Duran have created?

We are getting towards the end of the video now. Awesomeness abounds as we have Simon, John, Nick, Roger and Andy mucking about on the boat. Simon is directing from the front, Pretty Lady has more paint on her face and is wearing curtains. Nick and John do some fake backing singing (why do they do this?), John and Andy do some air saxophone work which works a hell of a lot better than you would expect. Also you get to see Andy, which is a rarity.

Roger is driving the boat, looking like a natural skipper (maybe he harboured a secret desire to be Captain Birdseye, who knows?). John chucks Andy overboard which caused a hell of a lot of trouble if the version in Andy's book is to be believed. John has said he regrets doing it, and I guess we'll hear more about it when his book comes out. Shame we didn't get any coverage of Nick's reaction, I've always wondered what gleeful seasickness looked like.

And that's about it really, one of the best music videos of all time. Bonkers and brilliant in equal measures, less than a year separated this video from Careless Memories yet they seem to come from different universes. The next Duran Duran video we shall tackle will be "Is There Something I Should Know?".

I'm fairly sure Nick and John weren't playing the Saxophone though. It wasn't even plugged in.

Can Nick Rhodes play the Pan Pipes?

What I can't understand is this: how come Russel Mulcahy can, during the same shoot that produce the unrelenting awfulness of 'Lonely in Your Nightmare', produce six minutes and six seconds of music video perfection such as 'Save A Prayer'?

We start on a beach with Simon walking (in slow motion) towards Nick. This is quite a Nick heavy video, he seems to have settled down nicely in Sri Lanka, following his shape-shifting shenanigans from the previous video. But his first appearance in this video prompts the question, can Nick Rhodes play the Pan Pipes?

We shall search for evidence that it wasn't actually Nick using the Roland Jupiter 8 syn-flute with a pitch bend.

Anyway, we've got sunsets, palm trees and moodily lit boats, what more could you want? How about a silhouette of John, leaning against a boat, fixing his perfectly coiffured hair?

Cue Simon, sitting alone on a bench, having just put down his book and weak lemon drink.  Now, has Simon's hair gone very dark here or has he just got out of the shower? I'm not sure, but we should keep an eye out for Simon's magical barnet. He's got his mournful look on today, he learnt that at drama school, he went to drama school you know. Happily, he is also wearing his tiger-baby (he likes it 'cos it's odd). I like consistency, it provides a sense of order amongst the chaos of our daily lives.

I do like that bench Simon's sitting on, it would look good on my patio. I wonder if John Lewis does them? Sorry, back to the video. His hair is definitely shorter and darker, isn't it?

Back to the tropical island paradise beach, palm trees, moodily lit Simon, being all mournful.  He's so sad, even the children are running into the sea to avoid him. Poor Simon, he's really not a happy bunny.

The rest of the band have turned up and are determined to take Simon's mind off what's troubling him with a day packed full of sightseeing activities. The children rejoice! They form a circle and start dancing around in joyous exhaltation for Andy, John, Nick and Roger will surely bring Simon out of his dark mood.

At this point, it's worth noting that there are some really beautifully photographed shots in this video, the style has been copied by many boy-bands since, so it looks almost cliched these days, but remember when Duran Duran did this travelogue style video, no one else had done anything remotely similar. One thing you might notice, however, is the eyelash that got stuck in the camera gate, there on the lower left hand egde of the image. It comes and goes does that eyelash.

Simon walks away from a boat, he is taunted by a disembodied apparition of John, pretending to sing backing vocals. Somehow I doubt that is going to cheer him up much. John also appears to be following Simon around strumming a guitar in that sort of 'I'm going to steal your girlfriend' type of way that John does so well. He is, however, seemingly dressed in pink linen, which seems courageous even for 1982.

Simon does't even bat a eye-lid, he's off to stare at some blokes who are partaking in some extreme pole-fishing. Livin' on the edge...

The band wander along the beach at sunset. It really does look very nice there, doesn't it? Practically idyllic, in fact. John strums away in an idyllic fashion, mocking Simon by mouthing along with the song. However, many of the Sri Lankans are clearly phoning it in, there is a fully crewed and rigged boat sitting on the sand going bloody no-where in a hurry.

Next, it appears that due to some inter-band spat that must have occurred the previous evening. Simon and Nick have been abandoned on a mountain-top ruin, and are being taunted by a helicopter which makes several practice strafing runs and then flies off. I bet Nick was delighted with that, I wonder who came up with that idea (looks at Andy for signs of amusement/guilt).

Back to the fishing! Not the most telegenic sport, is it?

Hold on one cotton-picking minute, Simon's in that model's cobra infested hotel room from the last video! But she's not in bed writhing in the throes of a nightmare this time, she's not bloody there. Nice shutters.

He's now to be found having a little bit of a bop with her. That's nice, a little bop. Romantic but a little sad. Considering the subject of this song, I'd have thought they'd be a lot happier, but I guess sad is happy for deep people (I think I stole that concept from Sally Sparrow). She leaves, Simon does not follow her, this is a schoolboy error and not one that John would have made.

Cut to the rest of the band, in a jungle clearing, pretending to sing backing vocals while John strums in his nice hat. Why do bands do this? We know that John, Nick and Roger aren't singers and that it would appear Andy didn't feature as a backing vocalist on recordings, so why pretend in such a hackneyed way? It always looks shit when bands try this, always. The only thing that's worse is when bands dance to their own records on video in France (see New Moon on Monday & Election Day for evidence). Nick looks spectacularly uncomfortable and out of place in this shot. Nick Rhodes up a tree, I'm fairly sure this is the only time this ever happened and I'm sort of glad it's been captured for posterity. I bet Nick was delighted with that too, I wonder who came up with that idea (looks at Andy for further signs of amusement/guilt).

As an aside, Andy got seriously sick after ingesting water from this lagoon as it was somewhat contaminated with elephant piss. Andy's home cure of alternative non-tobacco based smoked infusion, extra hot chilli and Jack Daniels did not prevent him from being hospitalised on his return to the UK. From this story we can definitively reveal that Andy Taylor is a rock God.

Good to see Simon's stalking elephant is back with reinforcements though.

Andy's turn to strum now, while monks pass by in the distance. Not sure about the symbolism of the monks, but it's possible they just looked cool. Nearly as cool as the reclining Taylor we have in the foreground.

More pretend singing in front of the most amazing rock carving I have ever seen. It is also worth noting that, although it appears that Nick and Andy are normal human sized humans, John appears to have grown to epic proportions and now stand at over 26 feet tall. Or it could be the camera angle and the use of a very small aperture lens. Whichever, it is slightly disconcerting. Excellent on-beat finger clicking action from the Cullercoats guitarist though.

We now begin a series of long slow fades showing frolicking band members, large statues of The Bhudda, monks using sunshades and Simon's stalking elephant attempting to dislodge John and Nick by discharging water from it's trunk in their general direction. I would imagine this to be unpleasant, the water is unlikely to be clean and has been up an elephant's nose. If I discharged water from my nose at people, I would be arrested. Which is why I almost never do it, anymore.

Still, Nick and John look happy.

Back to the mountain top ruins. No rescue for Simon and Nick yet (I'm assuming this is another flashback, although this video is a bit thin on plot). More helicopter shots of temples and that sort of thing, all very pretty and making me want to visit Sri Lanka more and more. The temples look just like enormous boobies. Or is that just me projecting my desires again.

Now the band are coming together to provide moral support for Simon again. Andy is playing the guitar, but if you look carefully, his strumming and chord changes do not match this section of the song. What was Andy playing? Irrespective of whatever it was, they missed a golden opportunity to have him whip out his accordion and give us a quick blast of the Sailor's Hornpipe.

More mood shots of children approaching from a boat intercut with the band approaching a giant statue of The Bhudda, they look up in awed respect, and if I was standing there, I'd be pretty amazed too.

We then get a slow motion shot of John, wearing speedos, doing a proto-backflip in a swimming pool. Nice shoulder work John. Nice speedos.

A few flashback shots to Simon dancing, looking sad and then attempting to steal a child. John and Nick being snotted on by Simon's elephant friend, then a honey shot of the Band which fails to include Andy (although he is there in spirit, there's his guitar).

Fading to dark haired Simon on a bench, still looking mournful. The sightseeing trip idea didn't work then. But at least we got to see Nick up a tree, John covered in elephant snot and Andy being snubbed by Russell Mulcahy once again. Roger was in it too. Somewhere.

I'm not sure Nick can play the pan-pipes. They weren't even plugged in.

Next up - Rio!

 

Your refuge turns you captive all the same

Remember I said I had trouble with My Own Way.

That's nothing, NOTHING I TELL YOU, compared to the trouble I've had with this one.

Lonely in Your Nightmare, one of the Rio album tracks that got the Russell Mulcahy treatment in Sri Lanka. But this one, I'm not so sure about. The video, in common with many Duran Duran videos, comes in more than one version. The 'original' and  the one that appear on the 1983 video singles release.

I'm torn as to which one to assassinate, sorry, I mean critique. On the one hand, if I follow the precedent I set with Careless Memories, I should do the original, but I'm not sure you'd thank me all that much as it is a bit, well, pants.

Actually, here's fun, lets do both. This could be tricky, and I don't want to set a dangerous precedent, New Moon on Monday has about five quite different versions (four of them involve Nick dancing - I'll be reviewing the fifth).

It's safe to say at this stage that neither version of this video is a fun filled hoot and a holler like previous Duran Duran videos. I can see why, it's a slower song, but prepare yourself mentally for this. It's going to be a long four minutes and fifty seconds.

Now, we'll start with the original version.

We start with an establishing shot of a nice pretty lady laying gently on her gossamer encased four-poster-bed. It's all very soft focus and romantic, she is clad in virginal white, she is softly turning in her sleep. I believe she is dreaming. Or is it a nightmare? Come on folks, lets find out.

Well if this material that is intercut with images of her softly turning in her sleep is to believed, she's dreaming of some form of folk dancing festival. Dancing children, folks with arrows piercing their cheeks, carnival style costumes, that sort of thing. Not sure why... (You know, if anyone ever writes a book critiquing Duran Duran videos of this era,  it should be called "not sure why....")

Anyway, some nice synchronised whip-action going on there, it's all good fun.

Back to lady softly gently sleeping in her slightly tossy-turny sort of way, this time in close up and seemingly slow motion, which is really unnecessary. Really. Something must be due to happen soon, surely?

Yes, she is now dreaming of the band members watching a display of folk dancing. Simon has his earnest face on and made such an impression on that elephant from the Hungry Like the Wolf video, that the elephant has followed him here. He is singing with earnestness (Simon, not the elephant). Next we get a nice honey-shot of Roger turning to speak to Nick who transforms into a strange ear-ringed Sri Lankan folk dancer in front of his eye. Roger doesn't seem surprised by this, but to me, it's the second strangest thing I've ever seen Nick do on video (wait 'til the Election Day video dance routine).  It is possible that this is Nick's true appearance of course and that he has been concealing his true appearance from us using magical powers. The mask slipped for a second due to him being startled by Simon's elephant stalker.

Anyway, now she's dreaming that Simon is singing to her at the folk dancing festival. She looks unimpressed, but she may not be able to hear him over the noise of the elephant.

More softly turning in bed type shots, and then we see her appearing in a white archway, dressed like Miss Haversham. Turns out, she's on a different island to Simon. More bed shots, more Simon singing earnestly, more soft focus, no elephants, no metamorphosing Nick, no Andy playing the accordion, no Roger teleporting, no John trying to snog Simon's girlfriend.

Simon walks across the water to the island in his nice white linen suit (ah, Simon and his magical water repelling skills). Miss Haversham has disappeared though. She's legged it through the market, only just avoiding being attacked by a cobra which appears in the hotel room adjacent to hers. I'd call hotel management if I was her, that's just sloppy housekeeping.

Simon has now broken in to her hotel room and is singing into her ear, earnestly. Wearing his Tiger Baby (he likes it 'cos it's odd).

Anyway, her dream seems to has perked up a bit due to Simon's seranade, she dreaming of happier times. Times she spent by the beach drowning native children. Honestly, Simon, I'd skip this one, she's is a nightmare, no wonder she's lonely.

Next we see some really poor quality, badly graded, under exposed shots of Simon singing, earnestly. We also get a shot of John wearing his red suit and string bow tie again, not sure why...

Simon starts nuzzling with Miss Haversham. She's staring out to sea, moodily, probably trying to work out how to chuck more children to the sharks. John is miming backing vocals, Miss Haversham is still in bed (someone please wake her up, for heaven's sakes), dreaming of being serenaded by Simon, who walks down what appears to be the launch strip for Thunderbird 2 (if anyone gets that reference, I'll be impressed).

And that's it for the original version. How could they improve on that classic? Well they tried and came up with this.

I've poured myself a Whisky (Glendronach - Muscatel finish - tastes like Creme Brûlée), I'm going in.

Immediately we see this is radically different, Simon has gone all moody and grey, mean and so restless. He picks up a photograph from a dusty floor, goes monochrome, and heads off up some long abandoned stairs with no banisters (health and safety alert!).

He goes to a long abandoned dressing table and finds some long abandoned polaroids. I know I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but I think the things we are about to see are flashbacks from Simon of a love affair that ended a long time ago, and judging by the rather strange expression on the girl's face, in a galaxy far, far away.

Moody stare out of a window from Simon, pay attention to the window, we are going to see a lot of moody staring out of it from all of the band in the next few minutes.

So Simon is looking at a lady walking down the street, she has awesome hair. I really like mad long curly hair, it's my thing, what can I say. She's also walking past an old Ford Fiesta, I think it may be an XR-2. They are also lovely. Sorry, I like cars too, cars and ladies with mad curly hair. And Duran Duran, obviously.

Sorry, got distracted.

Oh Christ, we are back in the cobra infested hotel room again.

Simon is not looking earnest in this version, he is looking wistful. He does wistful well, although we do appear to be heading perilously close to another of those close-up nostril shots which appears to be a Mulcahy speciality.

There's that arch on the island again! Miss Haversham is back! Simon walks on water, lady runs though 
a market, all is well with the world, but we get a bit of extra mood inserts from Simon. No elephant stalkers, though.

Hang on, what do we have here? We have Roger and Andy doing a spot of shopping at a market.But they see the lady with the awesome hair, roger recognises her and tries to prise Andy's attention away from the bargain spuds on offer. He manages, but alas, too late, he misses her. Please note Andy's exceptional fruit juggling skills in this short vignette.

Anyway, we are back to the folk dancing and synchronised whipping. Nice.

Ah! I get it, awesome haired woman is Miss Haversham. But dressed in black, with much better hair and a hat. I was worried, I thought Simon's elephant stalker had got really, really good as disguising itself. I worry a lot about stuff like this you know. I'm still considering claret trousers.

Anyway, she still likes drowning children, so I've gone off her a bit.

Cue John. John sits down in readiness to attempt to pull the lady he has ascertained to be Simon's girlfriend who is unable to find any children to drown, and so is apparently following Tom Lehrer's advice and is poisoning pigeons in the park (google it). She  disappears before he can make his opening gambit, he looks puzzled and disappointed and a hell of a lot more handsome than me or anyone I have ever met. Bastard.

We are now into badly photographed, badly graded, under exposed flashback footage. It drives me bananas this bit, I'm not sure if it's meant to be stylised or if it's badly executed day-for-night footage, but it looks horrid.

Lets gloss over this, I've said all that needs to be said about the Sri Lanka footage.

We move into honey-shot time. Nick first, but this time, they do a poor cut which disguises Nick's true appearance. Still, he does the smouldering look into the camera well. Good fringe work.

Next, we get Roger, good work from the shy one. Then John, he even does some ironic eyebrow work, awesome stuff. Then we get another flash of Nick who morphs into Andy, like that would ever happen.

Simon descends the stairs, the song is done.
 
Sadly, neither of these videos do the song justice.

This is also Duran Duran's first headband free video. I am gutted.

Never mind, next we get Save a Prayer, which has many of the same elements of this video, but somehow manages to be the exact polar opposite.