Anyway, I wondered if anyone had ever got John to sign a copy of that magazine he was reading in his solo bit.
This one:
Then a plan hatched in my brain. John Taylor tweeted that he was writing his autobiography, so he must be going to do a book tour, right? Ah...
Well, I was straight off to the Internet to find out about the comic.
"Fightin' Army was a bimonthly war comic published by Charlton Comics from 1956–1984 (though it was primarily a reprint title from 1978 to the end of its run). Telling fictional stories of the United States Army, it was a sister title of the other Charlton war comics Fightin' Air Force, Fightin' Marines, and Fightin' Navy."
Brilliant, right which one was it though? When did they film the 'Rio' video?
Hmm.. Off to the Duran Duran timeline.
May 1982
Excellent. Lets try looking for the April '82 edition on E-baythen, shall we?
Bingo.
Found it, bought it, got it.
Now all we have to do is wait.
Now here is where @jamievjb comes into the picture.
He, being the lovliest man in the world, buys me a ticket to see John do a reading in Manchester.
Here we are, waiting.
We make a cute couple, huh?
John Taylor's book, In the Pleasure Groove, is well worth a read. You should definielty get it if you like Duran Duran or '80s music in particular.
Well, it was made clear that John would not sign any memorabilia, which is fair enough, Waterstones needed to get 500 odd books signed, and if everyone got him to sign a tee-shirt too, it would take all bloody night. So that part of my plan didn't come off.
But what did happen was probably even better.
I showed him the comic and asked which page he was reading. He laughed, and asked where I'd got it from. He then said that he'd just had it pushed into his hands and he coudn't remember what was inside.
I put the comic down next to him whilst he signed my book, he looked at it, grinned and said 'I should look like this'.
They say never meet your heroes. Rubbish, just make sure you choose ones like John Taylor.
I’m back! Sorry, life got in the way, but happily I have just enough time left over in my incredibly hectic, hellz-a-poppin’ schedule to bring you this, my latest dissection of Duran Duran’s video output from the 1980s.
What do we need to know about The Reflex before we start? It was their second single to top the UK singles chart, and was their last UK #1. It was also Duran Duran's first single to hit number one on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 (for two weeks) on 23 June 1984 (see 1984 in music), and it was a huge hit internationally.
By the way, the remixes for both the 7" and 12" singles were done by the legend that is Nile Rodgers, of Chic fame, so he is responsible for the frankly astonishing 12” Dance Mix which features in the Arena (An Absurd Notion) concert video I will cover this in the weeks to come.
The video was shot during the Sing Blue Silver tour at Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto, Ontario, so them’s Canuck’s dancin’ in them isles. Russell Mulcahy is back in the helm for this one. I've kind of missed him, I know we've had lizard people and light-sabre waving horsemen, but nothing says Duran Duran like Russell Mulcahy and his crazy antics. Well, I say that, you actually need headbands, pretty ladies and Simon over acting and doing that crazy intense stary thing he used to do.
Having said that, this is a concert video, so there probably isn’t that much to say really. Like most videos of the oeuvre (do you like that word? I like that word, I’m going to use it a lot next week) it concentrates on giving the fans a good view of their favourite band members, so lots of honey shots of Simon & John and lots of happy bouncing fans.
So we start with some electronic noise, backing singers doing the ‘Ta-na-na-na’ bit and some interestingly lit completely hairless models superimposed on the big video screen suspended like the sword of Damocles over the stage. We also get some shots of Simon illuminated by a slit-lamp, like in those early videos like Planet Earth and Careless Memories (Just like Angelica Houston in Addams Family Values). Good pouting from the Le Bonster and he’s doing that intense crazy eye thing again. I wonder why-eye-eye-eye (I'll stop that right now) they told him to stop doing that? It looks great, Simon, really.
So, to sum up the intro:
Static
Chains
Swift blow to the solar plexus
Simon's eyes.
Into the concert (nice jump guys).
And the crowd go wild.
Simon is wearing one black glove, I assume been shot by Boba Fett whilst trying to rescue his twin sister from Jabba’s sail barge.
One other thing, Simon. How many belts do you need to keep those trousers up? It looks like you are wearing about seven.
We get our first look at Nick, his Fairlight CMI II and his Jupiter 8. Nice. We also see Roger. We don’t get to see much of Roger, so cherish this moment of drumming goodness.
Simon’s pointing and looking cross. He’ll cross that bridge when he finds it, AND NOT BEFORE!
Now, Andy’s hair. That is the most extreme mullet this side of Billy-Ray Cyrus. It is a crime against mullets, really. I know he takes himself fairly seriously these days, but he should be shown this mullet regularly in order to remind him why he had trouble being taken seriously after he left the band.
Simon seems to be mocking the Geordie guitarist with his ‘Why-eye-eye-eye-eye don’t you use it?’ singing. Cruel, but strange. It is rumoured tha t the band wanted The Reflex to be the lead single from Seven and the Ragged Tiger, but their label didn't like Simons singing during the "why-eye-eye-eye don't you use it" segments. What did they know? Eh? Labels.... Pffft... (and so forth).
We are getting glimpses of John at this point, but not the full effect. A shame because the full effect of John here is quite stunning. We also get glimpses of the backing singers and the percussionist (Raphael De Jesus) but very, very little Roger. Poor Rog. Rog sad....
We do get the classic John – Simon – Andy line up across the front of the stage, and some pretty crazy split screen editing thrown in to boot. Nice, it’s like proto-stereographic mullet-watch. I bet Kate Humble is developing a Mullet-Watch Live programme for BBC as I write this (Joke for the UK based only, I’m afraid).
Great weird-ass dancing from John there during the funny synth-drum solo thingy. As an aside, producer Ian Little spoke about the sound Nick Rhodes came up with on his Roland Jupiter-8 keyboard:
"...whenever I hear that steel-drum part it always brings a smile to my face because it's so out of tune. Steel drums always are, but it was exactly right in terms of rhythm and tone. So a wood-block sound was mixed in to make it even more percussive and, successfully, it did the job."
Thanks Ian. That’s great.
In the run up to the chorus, we get Simon dancing and jumping. You know that star jump that they freeze frame there didn’t really end well, don’t you? Watch Sing Blue Silver for the raw footage, it’s funny. Though admittedly, probably not for Simon. Or the stage. Or the peoples of the Pacific rim whose lives were destroyed by the ensuing tsunami.
So Chorus – Dancing fans, Dancing John wearing nylon curtains straight from the pages of the 1983 Littlewoods Catalogue and, incredibly, a garter, pouting Nick, drumming Roger, mulleted Andy and frowny intense Simon. This video just lacks something, it is funny, but there isn’t a plot. There’s no hook to get you involved. There’s only the passing flash frame of a back-lit poster-painted nipple to keep you engaged.
So, we hit a section of shots of Nick, John and Roger having a pout-off. John wins from Nick in second place and Roger a distant third. Kudos to Nick for the shoulder action, though. Simon is being lit by blue lights, so he does a little twirl! Right there, on the spot. And he claps. Isn’t he sweet. By the way, does anyone have the faintest notion as to what the hell this song is on about? It makes Nik Kershaw seem coherent (almost).
OK, we hit the next chorus and get to the stammering Geordie bit (‘why-eye-eye, wh, wh, why-eye-eye’). It’s a bit underwhelming, there’s painted, well-lit bondage models, chains, sadomasochism and a dancing Simon, but no real reason for it. The crowd seem very happy though.
Hang on, the screen’s going fuzzy and a painted man covered his eyes. The fans do the same, why? Well, remember that tsunami caused by Simon's ill advised jump earlier on, well it’s become a massive computer generated tidal wave which is about to engulf them and kill them all! That’s made them stop their dancing.
The effect when it hits the crowd is similar to having a small cup of water drizzled on them from a medium height. A bit underwhelming, really, much like the rest of the video. And that’s it, it’s never mentioned again, never referenced, in no way does it appear again in any form. SO WHY WAS IT THERE, RUSSELL?
It just fades out after that. God knows why.
One last quick question. What is Simon doing in ths shot?
I’m sorry, just let me off this one (keep saying that), I’ll do Wild Boys next. That’s funny and weird. It’s even got Rusty Lee in it.
I received the following from one of Occulomency's readers:
"Tech question. In "Hungry like a wolf" why does Mr Le Bon have bright yellow hair under his hat for some of the video and not for the rest? I'm glad he did keep it under a hat because it looked pretty tragic ... just wondering, you obviously have the answer."
I think I covered it well enough in my post Straddle the Line, because basically, I don't know. However, I guess this begs the question: "can Simon's hair ever look truly tragic?"
Well, lets find out.
Exhibit A:
Not so bad. I tried this look back in 1973.
Obviously I had a much cooler nylon jumper, though. Result: Neither of us look 'Tragic'
Exhibit B:
Hmm, not a bad haircut, but I'm not sure about the sunglasses. I'm really not. Mind you, I'm not one to talk. I have sported unsual accessories myself on occasion.
I'm saying not tragic, more unfortunate and that's down to poor accessorizing.
Exhibit C:
Erm.... It was 1984. We all looked a bit odd in 1984. I looked like this:
Result: Not tragic, more a product of the times.
Exhibit D:
Ah. That's not good, is it? He has my sympathy.
Holy crap on a cracker.....
Result: Tragic, happy now?
Simon, if you read this, here's a quick fix for those very bad hair days:
It's 'The Reflex' next time. I bet you all can't hardly wait.
Do you remember Secret Army, on the telly? You know the serious dull version of 'Allo 'Allo that starring Bernard Hepton as Albert Foiret. We named a cat Albert, he was very large, cross-eyed and ginger. The cat, not Bernard Hepton.
My father was incredibly fond of this programme. Still, he was also incredibly fond of the bacon counter at ASDA, but that's a completely different story. I digress.
This video is meant to be similar to that programme, but it isn't. It's so much better, but not necessarily for the obvious reasons.
My theory is Duran Duran decided 'New Moon on Monday' sounded a bit like a spy code word thing, and had themselves cast as revolutionaries, intent on overthrowing an oppressive regime. After all, we've had Simon as Indiana Jones, so what could possibly go wrong?
Well, lets find out.
First of all, in common with many Duran Duran videos, there are oh so many versions, so, so many.
The longest is a 17-minute "movie version" which includes excruciatingly bad dialogue and ham acting set to an extended remix of the song which isn't the 12" Dance Mix (which you couldn't dance to). Although it is particularly funny, it's hardly fair to expect you to sit through it in it's entirety.
This is the shorter version, but not the Dancing on the Valentine one. No, because the Dancing on the Valentine one removes almost all of the Nick's dancing and replaces it with quite good vignettes of the band.
No, you are getting five minutes of Duran Duran at their peak. Andy Taylor in his book is a more than a little scathing of this video. But I think that's unfair. It is irredeemably stupid and pompous, but my God it's fun.
Plus I really love the song, my favourite from Seven and the Ragged Tiger. I wish they played it live a bit more often.
So, the video was directed by Brian Grant, he had previously directed classics such as Olivier Newton John's Let's Get Physical. So we are probably in for a treat. The video was filmed in Noyers, Bercy and Paris, France when it was very, very cold, so I am given to understand.
We kick off with a French actor, obviously rehearsing for a play.
Simon walks up and the French Actor narrates a little tableau. In French it sounds quite good, artistic, even. But when you get your grandma to translate it for you, you find it says:
"Ladies and gentlemen, how are you doing? Welcome here tonight to see the strangest, the most beautiful show on earth. Hey you, you know this, right? Let us go see the wedding. Let's go see the baroness, the newlyweds, the mistress…."
Simon looks on in an almost otherwise otherwise deserted theatre. I say almost, there area couple of nasty evil not-a-nazi-but-obviously-a-nazi guards, also sporting natty little logos, but this type all tough and swordy. They are clearly malevolent but also seem to be under the control of a very pretty lady. She has noticed Simon.
What I really love though is Simon's badge. It's a sort of "not a swastika but still a symbol that's obviously meant to mean something as it's appearing on all branding for the Album and the subsequent singles" thing that I would have as a tattoo if:
a) I didn't have a significant needle phobia, and b) Tattoos of symbols depicting your favourite band on middle aged, middle-class men never fail to attract derision.
Simon gets his papers checked, whilst pretty lady slips away. If that is a secret rebel symbol on Simon's jacket, he's taking one hell of a risk actually displaying it, don't you think? If I was involved in a secret organisation that was probably illegal and subject to repression, I would:
a) assume that the organisation was known to the oppressive regime as such regimes tend to have well developed domestic security networks b) not advertise my membership of said organisation by wearing a badge.
Maybe that's just me.
This bit is a little confusing, Simon has his papers taken off him by the nasty evil not-a-nazi-but-obviously-a-nazi guard who beckons him to follow. So you are thinking long term incarceration and imprisonment for Le Bon, but no. Simon is lead into a dark passageway behind the theatre where he spots the pretty lady on a motorbike.
So, is Simon on the side of the nasty evil not-nazis-but-obviously-nazis? I would not have thought that likely.
Simon gets on the back of the motorbike and off they go.
It's dark, misty and slightly sepia toned. The nasty oppressors are beating the shit out of some poor bastard by a push-bike. We are in France, remember, so he probably was found to be outside, after dark, without a beret, stripy sweater and string of onions.
Sorry, I must try harder to avoid national stereotypes, mustn't I?
Anyway, Roger gets into an old Citroen. He's not going to be going very far then.
The oppressors are seen beating Banksie with a stick. In fairness, I'm beginning to come round to their way of thinking.
Nick has an underground lair. It was only a matter of time, was't it? I'm only slightly surprised that he didn't locate it in a hollowed out volcano. Sadly, it's in an old cellar. He is passing boxes of stuff to John who is wearing a magnificent coat. I'm partial to a coat. Oooh, the stuff in question has been thoughtfully marked by Nick as 'Explosives'. Cool, there's going to be one hell of a big explosive payoff at the end of this video then. You wouldn't spend such efforts on setting all this up without having an awesome pyrotechnic display, would you?
No.
Why John has decided to use a horse and cart is a bit beyond me, because I would have though such an anachronistic mode of transport would actually attract attention in a world which uses motorcycles and old Citroens. Anyway, I'm not one of these creative types, so what would I know?
It's good to see him use the correct pulling away from the curb procedure.
Andy is printing leaflets, Roger has dropped into the underground lair to say hello, which is nice. These leaflets, they bare Simon's symbol, the words 'This Time La Luna" (displayed at the same time Simon sings it, very slick boys, very slick) and a monochrome stylised image of what appears to be a kite and a crescent moon, set against a moody sky.
You have to hope that the kite is a red herring, don't you? We want the explosives.
Simon goes blasting off down a tree lined avenue while unfeasibly fast clouds billow overhead. It's a bit post-nuclear, this image. Anyway, we are soon distracted by some helicopter shots of Simon & pretty lady racing along a country lane on the motorbike. Simon does a single arm raisy thing, but obviously it makes the bike wobble and they sensibly stop such antics at once.
Roger and Andy manage to socially engineer themselves past the oppressing guards. These guards are shit. Roger and Andy look totally suspicious and although the guards, being ruthless oppressors, could search them, they don't bother. I would search anyone wearing red boots in these circumstances. Nice to see the oppressive regime have put out flags and braziers though.
Simon arrives on the bike, Nick and John arrive on the horse and cart. Yes, folks, Nick Rhodes driving a horse and cart. Amazingly, this is the strangest thing we'll see Nick do in this video. Under normal circumstances, Nick driving a horse and cart would be worthy of much ridicule, but not here. Here it merely raises an eyebrow.
Have you noticed that John and the horse have gone to the same hair stylist?
We can only imagine how much Nick hated doing this. He may be in France, but he's in rural France, driving a horse and cart. Do the maths.
Anyway, Nick and John leave the horse and cart containing the much anticipated explosives unattended while useless guards mill about the place. It's like the band had watched 'Allo 'Allo and though - we could make a really cool video about this, and then realised they actually couldn't. Great matching scarf and gloves from John though, and kudos to Nick for pretending to care about horses. Not so sure about his coat, however.
Anyway, the band and the pretty lady (she is stunning) meet in a cafe to discuss their plans. Simon really needs to take that badge off. Someone will notice, surely? That shifty looking old lady for a start.
The band go out onto the street with pretty lady and start surreptitiously distributing the leaflets we saw Andy with earlier. They are certainly planning something. The problem is, they are not being terribly discriminating as to whom they give the leaflets too. I'd assume that at least a portion of the local populace are collaborating, and so between the ham-fisted handing out of printed materials and the badge Simon is wearing, I would have expected even the most useless guards to have twigged something was afoot and picked up the band by now.
Somehow I find it comforting that the regime has not started rationing hair gel or peroxide. Maybe it was the threat of this that kicked of Duran Duran's insurrection. We will never know. Still, it's always funny to get a screengrab of Simon looking constipated, isn't it?
How the hell did these useless bastards get to be in charge of the cheese eating surrender monkeys? Hang on, I've answered my own question haven't I?
Did I slip into national stereotyping again? Sorry, I must not do that. It is rude and not funny, big, grown up or clever.
Anyway, the clouds go all fast and weird again and a badly superimposed moon appears unconvincingly. It's a bit like watching Scooby Doo meets the Nazis, only with less convincing acting.
Well, it's night time again, pop fans. The all-France formation lamp swinging team is out practicing while Roger and Andy go and play with a kite, John and Nick park the horse and cart. It's hard to see how this can end well, isn't it?
Remember kids, Duran Duran are trained professionals. They are able to open boxes marked 'Explosives' with a sodding great big axe without excessive risk of blowing themselves and half of France to kingdom come. Don't try this at home.
Roger and Andy have launched the kite from the top of the town church's tower. It's a magic kite. It shoots lightning.
I really can't think of anything to say about that. Who came up with that bright idea and why weren't they told to leave the creative meeting immediately and never come back?
Simon runs in to help with a flag. Following by oppressed masses carrying flags. You see all you revolutionary types out there in the internets, all you need to do to overthrow an oppressive regime is have flags.
The magic lightning kite is apparently getting it's magic powers from the moon. Lightning from the moon is travelling to the kite and being distributed down into the town square. To what end I hear you ask. no idea I am forced to reply
OK... The riot police have turned up. On horseback. Carrying light sabres. Yes, light sabres. So this means, by my logic, the oppressive forces actually are Jedi and Duran Duran are representing the evil Galactic Empire. I've been supporting the wrong side all these years....
But it's OK, John and Nick brought lots of explosives... Oh wait, no, they went down to the local paper shop and picked up some fireworks.
Anyway, the rebels and the light-sabre equipped riot police seem to be engaging in a gigantic bout of tarting about in a market square. It's not conveying 'rebellion' to me.
Simon is holding off an entire mounted brigade with a flaming stick. So, in Duran world, flaming stick trumps light-sabre. If that's the case, Duran Duran gigs of the 1980's where everyone held up lighters during save a prayer must have practically constituted a weapon of mass destruction.
Andy holds his arm aloft in triumph. Probably happy that for once, he's not limited to running about on scaffolding. John and Nick have got sparklers, so the forces of democracy are bound to win out over oppression. If only Che Guevara had access to sparklers....
The sparklers have frightened off the riot police, the town is free! The oppressive regime has fallen, through the power of magic kites and sparklers. Oh now is the time to celebrate. Now is the time to rejoice, rejoice.
We move into a phase of this video which is beyond belief. It contains my pet peeve, band members pretending to sing backing vocals, coupled with people who can't dance, dancing.
The shots of the five of them dancing in front of the not-a-swastika firework is hilarious and heartbreaking. It is so very, very wrong. So very, very bad. So profoundly unintentionally funny, yet not the funniest dancing in a Duran Duran related video. No, for that honour, you will have to wait for Arcadia's Election Day.
While the boys dance, the magic kite spits out electricity, the fireworks burn bright, the populace rejoice.
And Nick dances on....
Roger was once asked "if you could go back in time and meet yourself is there any advice you would give yourself and do you think you would listen?"
He responded ".... the dancing at the end of New Moon on Monday!"
As Marlon Brando said in Apocalypse Now: the horror, the horror....
P.S.
Just as an aside, I've been writing this on and off all week, I've watched the video maybe a dozen times in that period, I've only just noticed the fundemental flaw with this video as I'm putting the pictures in.
It's not a new moon, is it? It's a waxing crescent. If it was a new moon, you wouldn't be able to see it.
One of the problems with watching a lot of Duran Duran videos from the 'Seven and the Ragged Tiger' era is that it starts to give you a slightly warped view of reality. But let me give you some advice, if your version of reality in any way shape or form resembles any part of the following video, call your brain Doctor at once. You really need help.
Simon Le Bon once said: (the album) "is an adventure story about a little commando team. 'The Seven' is for usthe five band members and the two managers and 'the Ragged Tiger' is success. Seven people running after success. It's ambition. That's what it's about."
So this is the level of pretension we are dealing with over the next couple of videos.
I'm not going to cover the version featured on the video EP Dancing on the Valentine, because I can't find a link to it on YouTube, but I wish I could, mainly because I owned it and it's the version I remember best. It also is the silliest, although, in fairness, they are all pretty silly, just that it's silly with a funky stencilled topping.
No, we are getting the standard one today. You lucky people.
Russell Mulcahy was slated to direct the "Union of the Snake" video, he conceived it to be the first of a trilogy involving a lost document and subterranean worlds.
Mulcahy was forced to pull out due to other commitments, so Simon Milne had a call from EMI asking if he would fly to Australia to direct the video that was scheduled to start shooting later that week.
Milne knew the band well as he had filmed them in concert and assisted Russell Mulcahy on their "Rio" video and so four days later was directing "Union of the Snake" (information from the always awesome Duran Wiki).
It's a shame the trilogy didn't come off, but it might go some way to explain some of the more weird and seemingly random imagery going on there.
We start with the rugged adventurers, Roger and John, climbing about on a sand dune. They look lost and confused. I'm not surprised, they had been on a six month post Rio bender and suddenly they were spat out onto a sand-dune in New South Wales. Poor confused pop stars. But they better watch out, because they are being stalked by an angry mutant parakeet. Presumably the same one from 'My Own Way', you remember, the one that so amused Nick when it crapped on his Jupiter 8? Well, it appears to have mutated into green beaked lizard man who just lives to dance along to Nick's Fairlight noodlings.
He seems to be sort of proto-vogueing, a green beaked Madonna, only with more humility.
Simon is leading the party, as he should be, and there's a dude on a horse, dressed like T.E. Laurance. Not sure why. Maybe he'll play a really big part later on in the video. That must be it, it's far to explicit and dramatic an image to just chuck in there and then do nothing with.
Disappointingly, there are no headbands in sight on the visible band members, but happily, John is returning to his roots and wearing a scarfy-thing in a manner for which it was presumably never intended. Nice, might try that at work tomorrow. Actually, looking at the day I've got ahead of me, I'd better not. I actually have to wear a suit. I have a proper job, you know.
Looks like Simon is leading from the back. Even better, my kind of leader, our Simon. Great micro-creveat, there Simon. What's that meant to do, exactly? It would seem to me at least, to be a singularly ineffectual piece of cervical attire.
Anyway, moving on. The boys find a knackered Holden Ute at the bottom of a sand dune. There appears to be exciting pipes sticking out of the dune, but as they investigate the ute, they come across a cadaver. John and Roger look shattered by the news. John is so shattered in fact that he removes the stiff from the passenger seat and has a sit down in the cab. I'm thinking that a body that's stuck in a ute, in a desert is going to smell pretty bloody awful, so I am a bit surprised John took this course of action.
Roger has a sit down outside.
Simon is in better shape. He builds a fire, makes a shelter and drags an unconscious Roger over to the makeshift camp he has created. He goes to check on John in the stinky cab, having not noticed that those exciting and mysterious pipes have started smoking away in an exciting and mysterious fashion.
OK. A rather over made up girl dressed as an old time Cinema usherette appears. A bit like that shop keeper in Mr. Benn, but with more pouting and sideways glances. And no fez. I like a fez. Fezzes are cool.
John must be deeply unconscious, otherwise he'd have probably tried to shag her. Anyway, Simon does not waste any time trying to work out what the hell she is doing there in the desert, nope. He follows her into a lift. In fairness, he does do a bit of his famous 'I'm confused' face that he learned at drama school. He went to drama school, you know.
Now, about this lift. It's a bit, well, wacky in that special Duran Duran way that we have come to love and respect. Well, Ok, not respect, but love at least.
It's a rather Heath-Robinson affair, made of riveted steel girders, heavy gauge steel mesh and other sturdy materials. Just as well, sitting on the top of the lift is the mutant parakeet boy. Contained within the lift are normal parakeets. It is possible that these are merely the larval stage of the proto-vogueing mutant parakeets. In fact, as there is no other plausible explanation for why the fuck they are being kept in a lift in a desert, lets roll with that thought, shall we?
We have now descended into the underworld. Oh, but what an underworld. It's filled with exciting pipes, chains, scaffolding and steam. And gyrating boys and girls, don't lets forget them. Simon and The Usherette descend into this realm of Cerberus, looking a bit puzzled but he's obviously not worried that he's left his two mates outside in the desert which is known to have killed at least one person in the recent past. I think Simon's been a bit of a bastard really.
A small boy hears the lift coming and opens up the doors to some form of inner sanctum, allowing Simon entrance. Only it's quite obvious that the doors do not form part of a contiguous security barrier, so Simon could just walk around the side of them if he so wished. Poor security design by whoever is in charge of access control for the underworld.
The interior designer did remember to put in a large stain glass window. Underground. Yes, an underground stained glass window. The bloke who put this together must have been, to coin a phrase, 'off his tits'.
The Usherette leads the way past many interesting, exotic and exciting things, including some artistically arranged umbrellas for some unfathomable reason. it is hard to imagine why one would need a arrangement of umbrellas, underground in a desert? This would appear to be incongruous at best and just plain foolish if you are not feeling charitable.
There are also some of the most thread-bare and unservicable tents I've ever seen with carefully coiffured children living in them. Nope, me neither. Your guess is as good as mine from this point onwards.
Next we see a man wearing white make up and a chequered t-shirt juggling dice. That must mean something, surely? That's far to specific an image not to be expanded on.
The boy leads the way past heavily made up men doing some form of dance. Some girls approach, they look a bit like sort of priestess sort of things, I suppose.
It's Nick! Reading a some parchments, by candlelight, in front of some tailor's dummies. He's talking to someone, but I'm not sure who it is or why he is surrounded by tailor's dummies. There are many, many things that I'm not sure about regarding this video. It's almost as though the director just strung a load of images together that look expensive and sort of interesting rather than trying for any form of narrative. But that can't be the case. Can it?
I know I've moaned about overly literal videos in the past, but there must be a balance, surely?
By the way, we are over two minutes into this video now and there is one member of the band we have yet to see. That's right, where's Andy hiding?
Nick notices Simon, but doesn't seem to want to engage with him for some reason. The little boy runs away from the sound of the syn-drums. Again, I know how he feels. Nick has found a map, and he's obviously excited about it in his way. I'm not the world's best lip reader, but I think he says "I've got it". I hope he is referring to the map and not a letter from his GP telling him some news from the Genitourinary clinic.
Simon and the Boy get in the lift with the larval parakeet monsters. Dice juggling monochrome man is so disappointed to see this, he stops juggling dice. Poor him.
Nick puts the parchment he was please to find inside a large tube, and he seals it with a big silver bauble.
It is possible that we see Andy here, fleetingly. A bloke in leather trousers, sunglasses and sporting a pony tail is climbing some scaffolding. Andy has always had challenging hair, but this is probably the most conventional hair do he's sported.
The Boy escapes the parakeet infested lift. The smell of bird shit and the probably even more overpowering scent of a Le Bon who's spent one too many nights in the desert proves too much for the little mite.
A heavily made up man looks on suspiciously, but at least he is wearing a head band, so we know we are on solid Duran Duran video ground.
Andy appears to be leading the Boy to safety, via the scaffolding. It's not a role that's going to tax him artistically, but I guess it's steady work. Heavily made up dancers hug each other with anticipation, or something.
So, the boy climbs on top of the lift, Simon is still inside with the parrots and a lady gyrates away in front of some parakeets. I'm wondering if there is a single music video in the history of the genre that makes less sense than this.
Oh Christ. I'm not sure there's a name for what the heavily made up men are doing now. It's sort of fighting and sort of just poncing about. You know those really shit films that youngsters like about gangs of youths settling their scores by out dancing each other. It's like that, there must be a word for it, apart from bilge.
They must have liked it though, they go on to do very similar looking dancy-fighting bilge throughout the Wild Boys video.
Hang on, Simon's on top of the lift now. He must have noticed that it was full of birds, but how did he get there? That lady isn't doing any dancy-fighting, but she is a top class pouter. She could probably rival Nick in the pouty face stakes. Crazy hair too, but not lovely sexy crazy hair like the lady in the video-singles version of the Lonely in Your Nightmare video, just plain old Medusa crazy.
More dancy-fighting by the denizens of the underworld. It looks like an out-take from Zoolander now. Simon escapes the madness by climbing up a transparent pipe. He reaches the outside, and hosanna! Glorious news! John and Roger are not dead!
They are probably a bit miffed that Simon abandoned them at night in the middle of a fucking desert though. If I was them, I'd drive off.
I think they are going to, as well. But wait, what's this? Purple fireworks and that dude on a horse again. Even Simon notices this rather strange turn of events. Powerful things, fireworks. They can do much more than just look pretty. They can spook horses for a start.
So, Simon gets up and goes towards the pretty fireworks. He's looking surprisingly dapper considering the night he's had. Quite fresh in fact.
Sadly, when he gets to the top of the sand dune, he falls over. Perhaps the fireworks are actually an evil nerve gas, sent by their arch enemies. Spandau Ballet.
Anyway, it's morning, all of a sudden, and Simon wakes up. John and Roger have followed my advice and buggered off with the ute (serves Le Bon right in my opinion), so what is our flaxen haired troubadour going to do now?
Well, first off, Simon has apparently found a massive black elephant's dildo.
Oh, wait. It's just that scrolly thing Nick was playing with earlier. Never mind. Ah! That man on a horse!
What! That's it? Simon gets on the back of the horse which very slowly walks off. What about the underworld? Andy? Nick? That little boy? What about the Usherette? What has the last four minutes and twenty seconds meant Simon? You are the lead singer, you are in charge. Explain yourself.
It was quite a big weekend that, what with the epic finale to Doctor Who followed on Sunday with my pilgrimage to worship at the alter of Duran Duran.
So I suppose I'd better try to put together a coherent review of the evening's entertainment.
Well first off we've seen a few bands at the Arena now, and the sound quality has ranged from the reasonable (Kaiser Chiefs) to the horrible (The Verve), but Duran Duran got it just right, the sound quality was flawless.
Which lead to surprise number one.
Simon Le Bon sang in tune for about 98% of the performance. Now usually, and I love the band remember, he sounds like a bull seal being clubbed with a 26 inch rubber dildo, but not last night.
This is the first major tour since they shed Andy Taylor (again) and I don't think anybody missed him. He was always, well a bit too ugly to be in the band to put it bluntly, and his loss is not felt heavily. He's been replaced by a bloke named Dom who doesn't make a fuss and gets on with his job. Of course, last time they replaced Andy Taylor they got Warren Cucaburra who modelled his willy in rubber (and then beat Simon over the head with it to acheive that concert sound), so I presume they were a bit more thorough with the interviews this time.
Nick stood there as usual, pressing the occasional button. The big screens kept showing him 'working', but lets face it, he doesn't really have much to do, his Macbook Pro (proudly displayed) seems to do most of the work for him.
John was bouncing around, gurning like a real musician and generally having a good old time playing with his new keyboards and his old bass guitars. He's looking good.
Set list:
The Valley Red Carpet Massacre Nite Runner Hungry Like The Wolf Planet
Earth Falling Down Come Undone Skin Divers The Reflex Save A Prayer A
View To A Kill
Electro set: Last Chance On The Stairway/All She Wants Is/Warm Leatherette I
Don't Want Your Love Skin Trade Tempted
Notorious Girls On Film/Papa Was A Rolling Stone, Ordinary World (Reach Up
For The) Sunrise The Wild Boys
Encore: Rio
18 week scan today, all going extremely well. Charlie's a girl!
I don't know why but we are both surprised. Very happy, but we really thought Charlie was going to be a Charlie. So we'll have to think of something else to call her. Charlene!
Alistair was so happy at the news, he threw up (or maybe that was coincidence).
